Mine
by Liberty Sue
Summary: AU. "How do you let go of the past when the past won't let go of you?" Katniss is in her last year of college trying to deal with life, love and friendships. Rated Maturely for language and lemons.
1. Chapter 1

The bar smells of stale beer and peanuts. The late afternoon sunlight is seeping through the blinds that line the front of the bar creating a golden haze around the room. It's still quite. Just a few college students fill the booths lining the walls, their heads bent in soft conversation. The low drone of the baseball game that fills the screen of the TV over my head battles with the clanking of the glasses I wash in the sink.

The door creaks open as laughter fills the air. The afternoon rush is about to commence.

"Beer…Beer…I need beer." I smile at the strained voice behind me. I turn to find Finn leaning his arm against his forehead like a man dying in the desert sun.

"Hi, pretty lady, " he says as he flashes a smile that can stop a woman at forty paces. His emerald eyes sparkle as he flops his long, lean frame into the bar stool across from me.

"Rough day, Finn?"

"Baby, I just need a warm woman to ease my achin' muscles," he says as he winks at me and rolls his shoulders. The muscles straining against the tight fabric of his t-shirt. He shifts his face into a sultry pout and holds his arms open in invitation.

"How 'bout it, beautiful?" he drawls.

I make my way around the bar and into his waiting arms which immediately come around me. He smells of soap and aftershave.

"In your wettest dreams, baby," I breathe into his ear, the flirty words falling from my lips more easily with him than with anyone I've ever known. I suppose it's the fact that I know he's harmless. Nothing happening here. I nip his earlobe as I pull away. He groans and dramatically clutches his heart.

"Indeed, Miss Everdeen, indeed."

I pour him a tall Guinness and set it in front of him. He greedily gulps half the glass and wipes the foam off his lips with the back of his hand.

"Well, I suppose this will do in a pinch." He holds the glass up and tips it towards me before downing the rest, "Cheers!"

"So, bad practice, huh?" Finn is a baseball player. A star player in all aspects of his life and one of my roommates and very best friends. He is a genuinely good natured person who can bring out the flirt in anyone. Even closed off me. I have my back to him getting a beer out of the cooler for another patron when I hear a stool scrape the floor.

"Ugh, you have no idea," an exhausted voice says. I peek over my shoulder to see a sweaty, disheveled blonde boy with Caribbean blue eyes crumple onto the stool next to Finn.

"My soul for a draft, darlin'," I smile at him as I build him a Guinness and pull Finn another.

"$1.50 will suffice, Peeta" I answer as I set the glasses in front of my boys.

"Thank God," he groans as he brings the midnight liquid to his lips. I catch myself watching as his Adams apple bobs while he drinks. Finn catches my eyes and a knowing smile creeps onto his face. I roll my eyes and quickly busy myself cutting lemons.

As the bar begins to fill with the after class rush, Finn makes his way around the bar. His voice carries over the crowd. His laugh sincere and warm as he jokes with virtually everyone in the building. Peeta, however, seems to have set up camp at the bar with me watching the game. He usually plays the part of Finn's wingman quite well. His easy, charming personality combined with Finn's overtly flirtatious and outgoing nature make the two a deadly combination to the female population of Panem University. Many a panty has disappeared in the company of these two. Tonight, however, he's nursing his beer, his eyes trained on the screen above my head. He talks animatedly with the man to his left here and there. I don't think Peeta has ever met a stranger. He can make conversation with just about anyone. His ease with words and people is a trait that I fiercely envy. Usually that ease is accompanied by an infectious smile and sparkling eyes. Tonight, however, he just seems tired. Worn around the edges.

"What's up, Peet?" I ask as I wipe down the bar in front of him. The crowd at the bar has dispersed for a moment and I can actually breathe.

"Tired, Kat, that's all" he takes another sip of his beer, "I'm pretty sure Coach Snow was trying to kill us today. Plus, I really should be home finishing up my Lit paper…" he trails off. I know he hates his American Literature class. He put it off all 4 years and is suffering through it now.

"I can take a look at it for you, if you want," I offer, " It's what I do."

"I guess having an English major for a roommate has it's perks," his eyes sparkle as he lifts them to mine, "that would be amazing, Kat. I'd really appreciate it." He pauses as he looks at his watch, " Hey, what time do you get off, I can take you home."

I glance at the clock and a smile overtakes my face, "20 minuets, but then I'm supposed to sing a few songs with Gale," I pause eyeing his tired frame, "you don't have to wait for me. I can call a cab or Joanna to come get me later."

He smirks and tilts his head to the side, his almost white blonde bangs drifting into his eyes, "I can wait, Kat, I promise I won't fall asleep in my beer." He chuckles as he moves to find Finn. I watch him move away. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Watching him. I really can't help it. The boy is just that beautiful…especially when he wears those dark, worn jeans that hang just the right way on his narrow hips. I shake myself out of my trance and finish cashing out.

* * *

Gale is setting up behind the tiny stage at the back of the bar with the rest of the band. In the 12 years since I have known him he has become a truly gifted and beautiful musician. He can strum your worries away or stoke the fires of your soul. Over the last 6 years his band, Caged, has become the number one draw on campus and around town, as well as gaining fast acclaim across the eastern seaboard. His strong, muscled 6'4 frame with brooding good looks set off by dark mahogany hair and piercing diamond eyes might help just a little, as well.

Sometimes I look at my boys and wonder how I got tangled up with such beautiful men. All three are completely different, but all completely captivating in their own way.

Honestly, though I am loathe to admit it out loud, Finnick really is the most beautiful male I have ever seen. His tall, lean athletes body combined with a chiseled jaw, liquid eyes and a brilliant smile are hard to deny. He's almost too pretty. Too pretty for my taste, anyway. I really can't say that for the rest of the female population considering the throngs of admirers he has.

And Peeta. Oh, I try really hard not to notice Peeta and his messy blonde hair and ocean eyes. When I do find myself being drawn in by the strong line of his jaw or the way his dimple sneaks out when he smiles my heart stops and that unnerves me. It scares me. Really scares me. I don't do relationships. I don't let myself go there. Not anymore. Not after Gale.

And Gale Hawthorne is a whole different story entirely.

We grew up together. Literally right down the street from each other. He was my family. Our fathers worked together and our mothers are best friends. It seemed only natural that we start dating in high school. We spent every waking moment together anyway and the moment his lips first touched mine on a cold, snowy Christmas Eve my insides melted and I was lost. He's 2 years older than me, though, and when he left for college only 6 months after that first kiss my heart broke a little. It was hard - those 2 years apart - but we saw each other as often as possible. He would write me songs. I would travel to see his gigs, often singing beside him. I suppose it was my youthful naivety that I never saw that he was running around on me until I actually got to college with him. It was actually harder to reach him even though we were once again in the same town. He wouldn't return my calls and would often stay out all night. It was one month to the day after I moved to town that I walked into his apartment only to catch him, jeans around his ankles, banging a blonde cheerleader type on his dining room table.

Bastard.

I swore men off that night.

It took us a long time to get passed that night. Over a year. My best friend/boyfriend had betrayed me in the very worst possible way imaginable and apparently had been for almost 2 years. But we're ok now - 3 long years later. Friends again. I can't imagine it will ever be as it was before, but we are friends none the less. We even live in the same house when he's not on the road. He stays in the basement while I am tucked away on the 2nd floor. Plenty of room between us. I don't have to see him bring anyone home and he me…not that I have ever brought anyone home…but the space is there anyway. We make it work along with the 4 other people who live in the house with us. But my trust has never returned.

The mic crackles and the hard beat of the base drum pulls me out of my reverie. Time to get my rock star on. I agreed to do 3 songs with the band tonight. It's been a long day of classes and then behind the bar schlepping drinks. I'm beat. I relax with a bottle of Blue Moon as the band warms up, my feet screaming at me. I roll my shoulders and mentally prepare myself for the stage. I don't really like singing in front of a crowd. It still, after 5 years, makes me unbearably nervous. I'm not meant for the spotlight. I like to be the watcher, not the watched.

I feel strong hands tenderly touch my shoulders and begin to rub slow circles and then softly kneed my tired muscles. My head falls to the side as the pleasure Peeta's hands make ripples down my spine. A soft moan escapes my lips and his hands still.

"Don't stop…" I practically purr the words. I feel Peeta's breath against my neck as he leans into me, his thumbs stroking the tight muscle leading from my ear to my shoulder. I shiver at the contact, lost in the bliss he's creating with his hands. _Mmmm, his hands._

"Sing my favorite song tonight?" He asks softly against my ear.

"You keep doing that and I'll sing for you all night long." The words come out all breathy and completely unlike me. But I don't care. I am lost in his magical hands.

He groans at my words. "You really shouldn't say stuff like that to me, Katmiss," He leans his head against mine, his lips grazing the top of my ear. _Fuck. "_I might just take you up on that. I'm not like Finn, I…" His words are interrupted by a glass being slammed down on the bar next to us. I jump at the intrusion, startled out of my haze.

Gale.

"You ready, Catnip?" He glances sideways at Peeta.

"Mellark" he states by way of greeting.

"Hawthorne," Peeta returns in the same deep, monotone voice men use when staking their territory. I was no ones territory. My mood shifts immediately. His hands squeeze my shoulder one last time, "I'll be ready when you are," he says leaning over my shoulder to retrieve his beer.

I can feel Gales eyes on me as I watch Peeta cross the bar to where Finn stands surrounded by a group of girls.

"What's up with you two?" he bites out. I slowly turn my head toward him, my eyebrows raised.

"Nothing…not that it's any of your business."

"Didn't look like nothing to me," he dips his head, fiddling with the black leather cuff that encircles his wrist, " looked pretty cozy."

"Back off, Gale," I hiss as I shove my way by him and to the stage. My relaxed mood blown to bits.

* * *

The crowd is good tonight. Everyone seems to be enjoying the set. I'm in the middle of my second song when my eyes find Petta leaning against the far wall, his arms crossed over his chest, legs crossed at the ankles. His head is down as he listens to the haunting lyrics of Gales newest song falling from my lips.

_Your eyes light the fire catching within me  
My soul on fire  
Light me up  
Light me up_

His eyes find mine and I can't look away. I feel like I'm being drawn into him as the music crescendo's behind me.

_Something is changing inside so I can't see  
My soul on fire  
Light me up  
Light me up_

_Catching fire. Burning for you. Burn for me.  
My soul on fire  
Light me up  
Light me up_

_Catching fire…_

I see his eyes tear away from mine as his hand jumps to his pocket and pulls his phone out. His eyebrows knit together as his hand goes to his ear to drown out the drone of the crowd and wail of the guitar. He glances back at me as he heads for the door, his hand pushing at his hair.

Something is wrong.

When I pull my focus back to the band I notice Gale staring at me as he strums his guitar. A deep frown on his face.

The band plays another song without me after Catching Fire. I'm about to walk back on stage when the entrance door finally swings open revealing a visibly paled Peeta. His eyes are glassy with emotion and his hair looks like his fingers were raked through it a hundred times. I know this is a nervous habit of his and I am instantly concerned. He winds his way through the crowd to me with Finn following close behind.

"What happened?" I ask, laying a hand on this forearm, pulling him closer to me. Finn moves to the other side of him effectively blocking out the crowd and providing a meager form of privacy for the three of us.

"I need to go," he chokes out as his sad eyes lift to mine and I can't help but swallow the dread I find creeping up my throat.

"What happened," I repeat. He runs his shaking hands through his hair again before they scrub his face. I reach up to take his hand in mine, "Peeta…" he's scaring me. I've never seen this usually jovial man so quiet andat a loss of words.

"My parents…accident…" his voice cracks as he tries to stifle a sob.

I inhale sharply, "OK, I'll get my things." I hug him tightly, my arms circling his neck before moving to tell Gale I have to go, there's an emergency and I'll explain later. His frown deepens even further but he nods his head.

We are moving between the cars in the parking lot toward Peeta's jeep when he bends over at his waist resting his hands on his knees, taking deep breaths to collect himself. It seems like he's breaking apart right in front of me. I swing my messenger bag to my other shoulder and rest my hand on his back. "What can I do, Peeta?" I question. He stands back up and takes my hand, pressing it to his lips. "You're doing it, Katniss."

The ride back to the house is quiet. I'm not at all sure what to say in these situations. I just continue to hold his hand as I drive; I was not going to allow him to drive after that kind of news. He just stares out the window, deep in thought, every once and awhile bringing our joined hands to his face as if breathing us in. I find the gesture endearing if not a little worrisome.

As he fumbles with his keys at the front door I take his arm in my hand and turn him to me. My hand palms his cheek, " Do you want me to come with you? You're exhausted and it's a long drive. I can drive. Be there with you." I lay my hand on his chest. He nods and pulls me into him, resting his cheek on the top of my head.


	2. Chapter 2

I don't know how people work in hospitals. The smell alone is enough to make you run screaming for the hills. The stench of antiseptic and bleach settles in your nose like a bad song settle in your head for days. You just can't get it out. But that is not the worst part. It's the thundering quiet on the upper floors. It's the sound of death marching forward.

"Your father's awake," a young doctor with blue scrubs says from the waiting room doorway. It's been about an hour since we arrived at the hospital. Peeta's 2 older brothers were waiting for us as we ran up the stairs to the OR.

Relief washes over the brothers as they stand to speak with the doctor. Peeta grabs my hand and draws me up with him. I am hesitant and he tugs me harder. I feel awkward intruding on this private family moment but his arm comes around me and hugs me to him as he listens to the doctor run down his fathers prognosis.

"Mr. Mellark has sustained a moderate concussion and a fractured clavicle from the impact. We've performed an MRI and CT and have found no internal bleeding or further head trauma. But we would like to keep him overnight to monitor him. We've had to perform surgery on the clavicle to realign the bones and repair some of the damage to the bone with a few screws. He will be fine with some rehab and PT."

"Oh, thank God," Peeta says on an exhale of relief. "Thank God Dad's alright." He sighs in relief and pulls me even closer, a smile ghosting his lips for the first time since the bar.

"And mother?" Peeta's eldest brother, Marc, prompts the doctor tentatively. He adjusts the wire rimmed glasses on his face. I expect to see him run nervous fingers through his hair like Peeta does, but instead he smoothes his blue button down shirt leaving his perfectly combed hair alone.

The doctor drags in another long breath before speaking, " As I was not on your mothers case I cannot speak to the specifics. I do know she sustained more severe injuries. I will be happy to check, but for now you can go in to see your father. However, please make it brief, we would like him to rest."

The doctor shakes hands and accepts the brothers gratitude and leaves to find answers.

Peeta pulls me toward the room where his father is and my feet stop. He turns to look at me curiously. I know he doesn't understand the anxiety that is coursing through my body right now. My stomach feels like one huge knot. He cocks his head to the side waiting for me to say something. He would know what to do and say in this situation. If our roles were reversed and it was my family behind that door he would handle the situation with grace and dignity. Me? No, I am a bundle of nerves and cannot even form words my mouth is so dry.

"I..um…I feel..."

Argh, why can't I just get the words out without sounding like a complete idiot?

I take deep breath and try to continue, " I just feel awkward intruding on your father right now, Peeta. This is such a private family thing…you go on and I'll go get everyone some coffee and some snacks."

I suck. I suck as a friend. I can't even get passed my issues to support this perfect boy when he needs someone the most. I shuffle my feet, my eyes trained on the floor. I can't even look at him. I suck so much.

He reaches for the ends of my hair that have fallen over my shoulder and rubs them between his fingers. I tentatively look up and see the understanding move into his eyes.

"Ok, Katniss, I am a little hungry," he says quietly and moves to pull his wallet out.

"No, I got it, Peeta, you just go to your father. I'll be back in a moment."

He sighs and reaches for me, pulling me close again. "I'm so glad you're here. Thank you, Kat." He hugs me tightly and places a long, lingering kiss on my forehead.

A throat clears behind us and we leap apart.

"None of that, kids," Peeta's middle brother, Ryan, says and my face flames.

"Jeez, Ry, you have got to leave her alone," I hear Peeta say as I flee down the hall to the cafeteria.

* * *

I'm still in the empty cafeteria twenty minutes later when Peeta finds me. The chair echoes in the empty room as he pulls it out and sits beside me. I peak out from where my head rests on my folded arms.

"How's your dad?"

"Thought you were getting coffee?" He says softly, ignoring my question.

"Closed," I mumble, my eyes traveling the long empty room. "And the stuff in the machines is awful."

He simply nods his head in understanding and I feel shame creep into my cheeks. I feel terrible that I am so inept at any type of meaningful human interaction that I have to hide out in the cafeteria while he goes through this huge deal. I am such a shit human being.

"I'm so sorry, Peeta," I blurt out. "I'm so bad at this. You should have come with Finn or Jo…someone who knows what to do in these situations. Not someone who abandons you to hide in an empty cafeteria…"

He looks at me for a moment as if deciding what he wants to say. A frown forms on his face. He begins to say something but changes his mind and begins again.

"I'm glad you're here, Katniss," he pauses as if he's deciding whether to continue. When he does his voice is very soft. Almost a whisper. "You're all I wan...um…nee…I'm really glad you're here."

His eyes hold mine for a moment but then he quickly sits up straighter, chuckles and adds, "besides, can you imagine if Finn or Joanna were here? He'd be hitting on all the nurses and she'd probably be telling my father completely inappropriate jokes."

I laugh because I know he's right. That is exactly what they would be doing. I just can't help but feel like I am useless to him. I don't know what to do for him. I don't know what to say and I don't feel like holding his hand is enough.

He stands and grabs my hand, pulling me up with him.

"Come on. My dad asked for you."

"But…"

"He won't bite, Katniss, I promise. Plus, I need to find out about Mother."

* * *

Mr. Mellark is resting with his head back against a pillow, his eyes closed. Peeta goes to him, sitting on the edge of the bed beside him and taking his hand gently in his own. The gesture is so tender and loving. It's obvious they have a close relationship. Seeing them together like this makes my heart ache for my own father.

The resemblance between father and son is stunning. Mr. Mellark has the same broad shoulders and chest as his son, his arms thickly muscled with massive forearms and biceps. They have the same light blonde hair except Mr. Mellark's is cut more closely to his head. I don't know why, but I am taken aback when he opens his eyes to reveal the same azure eyes staring out at me that I often find myself getting lost in when Peeta looks at me.

"Hello, Katniss," he says in a low, gravelly voice. Peeta rubs soft soothing circles on my lower back as if to calm my nerves.

"Hello, Mr. Mellark, it's, ah, nice to meet you, sir."

"Please, please, it's Marcus," he struggles to sit up more fully in his bed. My eyes go wide when he winces in pain. Peeta immediately moves to his side to help arrange the pillows behind the older man. Mr. Mellark - Marcus - looks at this son with tender eyes. "Thank you, son," he says and he clears his throat and begins again, "damn collarbone - who knew such a little bone would hurt so damn much." He shifts again and then looks directly at me. "Anyway, Katniss, I just wanted to say thank you for brining my son home during this terrible time. I truly appreciate that you're here for him ."

This seems to embarrass Peeta, because he looks down and shuffles on his feet, "Dad…"

"I just wish the circumstances were different…" The door swings open and Marc, Ryan and another doctor stride purposefully in. Marc stands ramrod straight on the other side of Mr. Mellark's bed while Ryan slouches in the corner.

"Dad, this is Dr. Sullivan, he is the lead on mother's case," Marc says. His voice is so strong and controlled. The only thing betraying him are the shadows that linger under red rimmed eyes. I take Peeta's hand in mine. He looks down at our joined hands and then lifts them so my left arm crosses my body and over to my shoulder our hands still clasped.

The tension thickens as the doctor outlines Mrs. Mellark's prognosis. Severe head trauma. Lacerations. Internal bleeding. Coma. Peeta pulls me more fully into his chest. I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight. He sighs heavily into my hair as his hand snakes up my back and into my hair. "Oh God," he mumbles. Mr. Mellark lets out a choked sob and Ryan leaves the room. Marc stoically fires questions at the doctor getting as much information as he can.

"Can we see her?" Peeta asks. His voice is eerily cam and even as he rubs my back. I think the motion is more for his peace of mind now more than mine.

"Yes, one at a time. I'll get a wheelchair for you, Mr. Mellark."

Peeta releases his hold on me and I leave them to help Marcus into the wheelchair.

The hall is quiet, just a few nurses shuffling behind the desk down the hall. Shadows line the walls from the early morning sunlight streaming in the windows at the ends on the hall. Ryan is seated on a couch in an alcove a few doors down form Marcus' room.

"They're taking your dad to see your mom in a minute." His eyes lift to mine. They're darker than Peeta's but still an intense blue. He pulls a hand through his hair in the same manner Peeta always does. The dark blonde strands stand on ends at different angles all over his head. I see some tattoos peek out from under the sleeve of his Rage Against the Machine t-shirt.

"Yea, I think I'll pass on that," he says as he hangs his head, elbows resting on his knees.

We are silent for a long while. The tension is uncomfortably thick in the air. I begin to fidget. Shifting my legs. Twiddling my thumbs. Checking my phone, email, facebook - anything to distract me from the pulsating tension emanating from the man beside me.

"He talks a lot about you, ya know," he tells me out of nowhere.

"Oh?"

"Yea, I was beginning to think you didn't exist…you know, figment of his imagination and all." He barks out a laugh. "But, here you are."

I don't know what to say to that. So I go with, "hmm."

"Don't say much do ya? Kind of different from motor mouth in there." He jerks his hand toward the other room. "He probably does all the talking for you, huh?"

What the hell?

"That's ok, I can see what he see's in you, I mean, damn, look at your eyes - what are they? Silver? Wow. Yep, lucky guy, my little brother, to have you to come home to."

What? Sees in me? Come home to?

"Um, Peeta and I are just friends," I mumble.

"Ha!" he barks. "OK, whatever you say, Katniss." He rolls his eyes.

What. The. Fuck.

"Ry, leave her alone," Peeta says as he comes in the alcove. He tiredly leans against the wall glaring at his brother, his hand moving through the hair at the back of his neck.

"Whatever, little brother."

"You going to see mother?"

"Nah, I think I'll just leave that shit to you and the golden boy in there." He shoves his way out of his seat and leaves without a backwards glance.

"What just happened?" I ask, my eyes wide in confusion. "I think I may be asleep because I really don't know what just happened."

Peeta chuckles tiredly and takes a seat next to me resting his head back against the wall.

"I didn't hear much, but I think you were just verbally steamrolled by Ry - it happens," he says with a shrug. "Sorry about that."

"And he calls you "motor mouth." I laugh and he smiles shallowly in return. "Do you want to talk about it?" I ask laying my hand on his knee.

He sighs deeply and begins to sit up, his hands scrubbing his face.

"No," he says, "I'm too gassed. Too drained and confused and a whole lot of other things I can't process right now."

He stands and stretches his body backward, his shirt riding up revealing the lines of muscles that cross his stomach and I find myself staring too long at the delicious lines that disappear under the waist of his jeans.

Inappropriate, Katniss. The boy is hurting and you are mentally undressing him. So deliciously inappropriate, Katniss.

"So, come on. Let's go back to my house. Maybe we can come get Dad tomorrow…" he trails off as he looks at this watch.

"Jeez! We've been up for over 30 hours!" He groans. "No wonder I can't think straight, let's go."

He grabs my hand and leads me out into the bright, cloudless afternoon.

* * *

Ding ding…ding ding…ding ding…

The sound of my phone filters through the layers of fog clouding my mind. I groan and snuggle deeper into the warmth that surrounds me. My mind vaguely registers that my right side aches from sleeping on it and I stretch my legs but they barely move from the heaviness I feel blanketing them. Despite all that, I have never felt more comfortable in my entire life. I feel safe and warm and completely content and fall back under the spell of sleep.

"Just friends my ass." The voice vaguely registers in my mind as the warmth stretches and a rumbling groan sounds under my ear and I am quickly pulled more completely into wakefulness. The intimacy in which we are tangled makes my face burn in embarrassment.

"Katniss…" he breathes softly against me. He pulls me closer as I begin to move away.

"Not yet," He groans in my ear.

We are a tangled mess of limbs. I am cocooned in the warmth of his body. No space has been left between us and while I can feel the heat rise in my cheeks from embarrassment, I cannot deny how good it feels to be this close to him. His right leg is folded over my left, which is intimately positioned between both of his. His length is pressed tightly against my abdomen. Warmth spreads deeply in my stomach as I feel him twitch against me. When I move my left hand I find that I have snaked it up under his shirt to nestle against his heart. My face is burning and I try to borrow further into him to hide my crimson cheeks.

Oh my God, he feels so good.

He seems to hold his breath as I pull my hand from his shirt. I can't help but indulge myself by trailing my fingers down his muscled stomach. His body is hard under my fingertips. He shivers in response but lets me move off him. I try to hide the heat in my face in my hands. He must realize my mortification because he simply strokes my hair down my back as he moves to pick up his phone on the table in front of me.

"I don't even remember falling asleep last night," he groans. "Hell, I don't even remember coming home. Sorry I trapped you on the couch. I hope I didn't crush you."

"No," I mumble into my hands, my head still down. "It was, um, nice...I don't know how we ended up that way either." I gulp, trying to swallow my embarrassment. "Who are the texts from?" I ask. I desperately need to get out of this conversation.

"Um..damn…21 from everyone…15 from Finn alone…I didn't think…" He trails off, all the contentment from the morning leaves as I watch the events of the last day play across his face. He sighs sadly." Can you text them all back, Kat? I need to shower. Tell Finn I will call him when I'm done."

"Of course…" I say as he slowly makes his way up the stairs. I watch him go and want so badly to follow him and take him in my arms. That is just something I cannot allow myself to do, though. I have to keep some kind of distance between us so we don't tumble off the edge into an intimacy I just don't think I'm ready for yet.

There are a slew of texts on my phone as well. I text Finn first telling him the basics and that Peeta will call him later. This seems to satisfy him. I also text Gale and Madge but decide I need to call Joanna. She and Madge are our other house mates. They are also the closest girl friends I have ever had. I love them like my sisters. While Madge provides me a steady warmth, Joanna provides me a blunt truthfulness and a swift kick in the ass when I need it. After waking in Peeta's arms feeling completely content and completely freaked out, I need Joanna to give me some perspective.

"What the fuck, Katniss! Are you guys ok? Peeta?" She fires at me as soon as she answers.

"Hello to you too, Jo." I deadpan.

"Whatever. We've been calling for hours. Everyone is worried sick."

"I know and we're sorry. We've been sleeping. It's been a really long few days, but yes, he's ok..." I go on to tell her about Peeta's parents.

"He's different here. More subdued. I don't think it's just the situation either. It seems like more. He doesn't seem to want to talk about his mom."

"Maybe he doesn't."

"I guess, it just seems so unlike him, you know? Do you think it's just me? I feel like he should have had one of you guys with him instead. I'm so bad at this stuff. I don't know what to say to help him. Maybe he'd feel more comfortable talking to you guys. All I seem to be good at is holding his hand. I think he needs more."

"I'm pretty confident you are the only one he wants with him, Katniss."

"Why would he want me, I'm a mess." She laughs at me.

"You really are brainless, aren't you…completely oblivious." She continues to laugh at me. Full out belly laughs. I hold the phone away from my ear until she calms down. She finally composes herself and continues. Now I'm annoyed.

"Sorry, but really, Kat , in all seriousness, his relationship with his mother is, um, different," she pauses, "it's not my place to say any more."

"See he does talk to you…It'd be better if you were here…"

"Katniss, he'll tell you when he's ready. It's not a pleasant topic for him. But trust me when I tell you this: it's not me he wants…or needs." I just don't believe her. I am a hot mess. Anyone would be better than me in these situations.

"I don't know," I begin, but she sharply cuts me off.

"Fuck, Katniss, just fucking trust me, will you," she pauses ever so briefly, "So tell me, how hot are his brothers?" I chuckle and think to myself that maybe it is a good thing she's not here.

* * *

I feel like a new person after my shower. I dress in a pair of dark skinny jeans and a Panem University Baseball long sleeved t-shirt. The shirt is quite big. I'm practically swimming in it, but it's comfortable and it smells really good. It's Peeta's. I know it is. It smells just like him and I can't help myself from bringing it up to my nose and inhaling deeply. Both Peeta and Finn have an annoying habit of sneaking their laundry in with ours to wash and I just grabbed the first shirt from my clean laundry basket in our rush to leave the house. I'm a firm believer that if I wash it, I can wear it. But I know this shirt is Peeta's and I can't help the warmth that floods my body. It both scares and thrills me. I'm just not ready for him.

The house is fairly quiet, just the faint murmur of voices float through the house. I pause on the stairs to look at the photos that line the walls. Pictures of all three boys fill the spaces and inter mixed are family photos. Most are posed pictures. In all the family pictures Peeta's mother looks very hard. Like her face would crack if she smiled to big. It is a deep contrast from Marcus' bright, warm smile. I notice Marc often shares his mothers smile. I notice the younger he is, the more brilliant the smile. The older Marc got the harder it got.

It's Marc who I find in the study talking on his cell. I peek in and see his back rigid, his white button down shirt pressed and starched. He speaks clearly and precisely, most likely to a doctor. I don't stay to listen. I head to the kitchen to get a drink.

As I get closer to the refrigerator I can hear Peeta on the phone through the patio door. I still when I hear my name.

"…have you met Katniss…no, Finn…she's skittish….no, Finn, now's not the right time…3 years, I know…no, I can wait…" he silently listens for a minute or two, then, " like heaven, Finn, it felt like heaven."

A lump forms in my throat and I move away from the door to the other side of the kitchen, my heart pounding loudly in my ears. I try to swallow, but I don't think I can. I'm not entirely sure what they were talking about, but I do know the only thing that felt like heaven the last few days happened this morning on that couch.

I try to shake the feeling from my body. I can't think about that. I can't think that way about Peeta. About the way my body felt pressed against his this morning. About the way I feel when he holds my eyes with his. No, I can't think about that. If we went there and it went south like it did with Gale, it would break me completely.

"Nice shirt, " Ryan startles me and I nearly drop the glass I am holding on the floor. He has a smirk on his face.

"Why so serious, sweetheart?" My eyebrows knit together at the endearment and I try to steady my shaking hands. I say the first thing that comes to mind that I think will get him off my back.

"Going to see your mother today, Ryan?" I suppose I'm being purposefully nasty. I am trying to hit a nerve. This boy has been annoying the shit out of me since I got here. But part of me is ashamed for trying to hit him where it hurts when I don't know the whole story.

He frowns but quickly recovers. He brushes his bangs from his eyes and settles his hands on the island, leaning toward me. He leers at me and says, "I like you. I bet you've got some fire in you. I bet you're a spit fire in be…"

"For fucks sake, Ryan, leave her the hell alone!" Peeta yells as he comes through the patio door. His eyes are livid. He's ready for a fight.

"Settle down, little brother, I'm just getting to know your girlfriend."

"We're just friends," we shout in unison.

Ryan buckles over in laughter.

"Yes, you keep saying that." He laughs some more. "But what I see and what you say are two completely different things." He leaves the room laughing the whole way.

"I feel like I keep having to apologize for him. He's usually not this much of an ass. Actually, he's not usually an ass at all. It must be everything that's going on. He's not all that big on feelings."

He moves closer to me, but I make like I need to put my glass in the sink and put some distance between us.

"So, ah, what's the plan today?" I busy myself with filling the sink with water to wash the few dirty dishes I see.

He leans a hip against the kitchen counter and crosses his arms in front of himself. A frown appears on his face.

"Um, I think Marc is getting Dad in a little while. I just want to see him before we head home."

"We're going home? Don't you want to see your mom first?" I turn to him, surprised. I figured he'd at least want to see his mother before we left. My arms itch to hold him. To pull him to me and tell him that everything is going to be ok, but I am still reeling from what he said to Finn. Does he really want more from me? More than I am ready to give?

"I have practice and that paper is due tomorrow. Plus, I need to get you home. I'm sure you've got school stuff and work, too."

He moves to stand closer to me and I visibly tense. His frown deepens and his shoulders fall.

It was an involuntary response. I'm just so confused. This attraction I feel for him is not necessarily new; I've always found him attractive. It's the want that is new. It's that deep seeded want and need I keep feeling that is scaring the crap out of me. When I look at him I see a boy that is both devastatingly handsome and unequivocally kind. A boy that is so sweet and whom I adore with everything inside me. I have to keep some kind of control over these feelings or I could lose myself in him in much the same way I did Gale. I cannot do that. I simply cannot risk my heart again.

We are better off friends.

I just hope he understands that. Judging from the look on his face and the tension in the air I don't think he does.

"Don't worry about me, Peeta. I've got all that covered. We can stay as long as you need." I try to keep my voice bright but it breaks half way through.

"No, I want to go home." He turns to leave the room, shoulders slumped and head hanging low. Defeated.

I've hurt him.

Why can't I be a normal, functional human being with normal, functional emotions? I don't want to push him away. I just don't know what else to do. I have to keep some distance between us and these last couple of days have done nothing but bring us closer. It's too much.

I suck so much.


	3. Chapter 3

"Nice of you to finally show up to work, Sweetheart," my boss, Haymitch, says when I walk into the bar the next afternoon, his tone droll. He's an ornery , middle aged man with unkempt, stringy blonde hair and a paunchy middle. He's rude, crude and obnoxious. For some reason I love the old bastard like he's family.

"I thought Joanna let you know what was going on, " I say moving behind the bar to stand next to him as he pours himself a whiskey.

"She did. How's your boy?" His hands are still shaking which means the whiskey in his hand is the first of the day. Good to see he held out until 4pm today.

"OK, I guess. As well as can be expected." I start stocking glasses behind the bar and he leans against the register a few feet from me, eyeing me behind heavy lids.

"And how are you doing?" It's moments like these that most people don't see with Haymitch Abernathy. Moments when he is genuine and kind. They are fleeting and far between but I cherish them.

I shrug my shoulders, "OK. He seems to be handling it all pretty well. His dad is going to be fine. Mother - not so much, but we hope she'll pull through. His brothers are a hoot. All completely different. One's all buttoned up, the other all sloppy and obnoxious - you'd like him." I'm rambling. Avoiding.

"mmm hmm, I didn't ask about them. Asked about you. How are _you_ doing?" He points a gnarled finger at me while holding his glass in the air, swirling the amber liquid.

My shoulders deflate and I put the glass I'm holding slowly back in the rack. I haven't really talked to anyone since I got back. We got back to the house late last night and went straight to bed. I got up early this morning for a run and a full day of classes. I haven't seen anyone or wanted to see anyone. If I could have, I would have holed myself up in my room until the last few days were a distant memory.

"It sucks, Haymitch," I sigh trying to hold the emotion from my voice and then like an avalanche, it all just spills out before I even know what I'm saying, "it was so hard. I don't know what I'm doing. I didn't know what the hell to do for him and then his brother kept saying shit about us, and Peeta and Finn had this weird phone conversation I wish I didn't overhear and then there was the part where we woke up all tangled up…oh God, you don't want to know about that…" I feel my face burn.

"On the contrary, Sweetheart," he tells me, his eyebrows raised in mock supirse, "so tell me, did you finally find your misplaced heart after all these years and let that boy in?"

"Har, har, har…it wasn't like that…but I completely shut down and I think I inadvertently hurt him."

"Nooo! You?" He holds his hand over his heart a look of sheer mockery on his face.

I hate him.

"Do you want to hear or do you want to be an ass, because I've got work to do?" I start with my glasses again. My movements tense and clipped.

"Now, now, tell Uncle Haymitch what happened." Now he's laughing at me. Why is everyone always laughing at me?

"Piss off, old man."

He stops laughing. A frown appearing on his face. He narrows his eyes at me in concern and shoves off the register to move by me, placing a hand on my shoulder briefly as he passes, "It'll be ok, kid. You'll figure it out."

I honestly don't know if it will be ok, though. Peeta and I hardly spoke on the way home. I sank deeper and deeper into myself and when we did talk it was stiff and shallow. The tension was palpable. The closer we got to home, the more and more sad I felt. I would have given anything to take back those moments in the kitchen. I scrambled to find words to express what I was feeling but they just wouldn't come.

Maybe it's better this way. It hurts now, but maybe in the end, when we get a little distance from all this, he'll see what a mess I am. He'll understand I'm not good for him. He'll see only hurt can come from us.

* * *

I'm avoiding. I know I am. I woke up today feeling like road kill. The bar was slammed all last night, which was good because I didn't have the time to breathe let alone think, and I just couldn't think anymore. Every once and awhile my eyes would travel the crowd to see if his shaggy blonde head was there, but he never made an appearance.

I started my day off with an eight mile run. It's been awhile since I ran that long of a distance, but today I needed it. I needed the calm that my feet hitting the pavement provides. I needed the sunny blue sky and crisp fall air. I needed the ache in my muscles to replace the ache growing in my chest.

"Are you ok today, Katniss?" My friend, Annie, asks when our Victorian Poetry class is over. She's a quiet, earthy girl with soft, dark, auburn waves flowing around her shoulders and bewitching green eyes.

"Is it that obvious?" I try to laugh it off, but it comes out choked and shallow. She looks at me with concern in her eyes and I think she's going to hit me with a bunch of questions, but she just asks me if I want to go to a yoga class with her.

I jump at the idea.

The yoga studio is dimly lit by one Japanese paper lantern hanging in the far corner and a few candles scattered throughout. Mirrors line the front and side walls. The air is lightly scented with sandalwood incense and a soft strumming guitar filters through the speakers. Soft candle light casts dancing shadows along the walls from the little Buddha statues placed throughout the studio. I feel a deep peace settle over me almost immediately.

"Namaste," the pixie haired yogini says as she approaches me and takes my hand in welcome. Annie and I find a space near the back of the class. The studio is already filling up, just a soft murmur of voices can be heard over the music.

As we move through our Sun Salutation warm up, my mind wanders to his face and the hurt he tried to mask when I flinched at his closeness. I try to concentrate on the stretch of my abdominal muscles as we move into the deep bend of cobra, but all I can think of is the feel of his stomach muscles shivering under my fingers. I try again later to surrender to the burn in my thighs as we hold Warrior, pushing myself deeper into the pose so it burns more intensely and drives away the nagging image of our legs tangled together.

By the time we move into shavasana, the peace I felt when we entered is shot to hell. I'm a bundle of nerves, my mind refusing to rest. I keep my eyes closed and try to follow the yogini's calming words. I hear her voice move closer to me and she rests her fingers on my temples, gently rubbing soft, soothing circles, then gently moving them across my scalp.

"Rest your mind," she whispers, "whatever it is you're holding on to, let it go. Let it go." Her hypnotic movements ease my mind and I do finally find peace.

Annie and I decide to get dinner at the Thai restaurant a few doors down from the studio. My mind feels freer and lighter after the class. It feels nice to talk about such mundane things as school and yoga rather than all the drama my little group of friends share. She doesn't know Peeta or Finn or Joanna or Madge or Gale. She knows I'm dealing with something, but she never asks and I am grateful for the discretion. We enjoy our late evening dinners of Pad Thai and quiet, comfortable conversation.

I finally feel somewhat at ease when my phone rings.

"You better come get your boy, Sweetheart."

* * *

I find him slumped over the bar, head sagging and lulling to the side. I raise my hands in question at Haymitch who is grinning wryly at me from behind the bar. My eyes are wide in anger.

_How did you let this happen? _I mouth to him, my hands jerking wildly between the two men. I walk to Peeta and place my hand on his back. He stiffens a little.

"Peeta, what have you done?" I say, rubbing his back a little, my voice as soft and soothing as I can make it.

He jerks his head my way in response and sways in his seat, his eyes bleary with drink, "Kaa-nissss, my friend. Yrrr heeere," he slurs, "Look, Haymish, is my friend Kaa-niss. Whasup, friend Kaa-niss?"

"Damn it, Haymitch, get us some coffee, please." I get up from my seat when Haymitch doesn't move fast enough.

"Stay," I say to Peeta, trying to catch his wobbling eyes. _Good Lord._

"Seriously, Haymitch, why'd you let him get like that?" I ask in a hushed whisper.

"Hey, don't look at me. I'm not the boys keeper. He was half way gone when he came in about an hour ago."

"An hour ago!" I shout.

I hate Haymitch so much.

I try my best to sober him up before attempting to get him into his Jeep and home. He is leaning heavily on me as we make our way out of the bar. I'm not exactly a big person. I'm actually pretty small in stature, and Peeta is nearly six feet of muscle. To say I was having trouble maneuvering him is an understatement. I trip over the curb and we both nearly crash to the ground. Instead, he sways and sends me crashing into a car. He lands hard on me, his body pressed heavily against mine.

"Hmmm, Katniss, how do we keep ending up like this?" I attempt to push him off me, but he's just too heavy and he doesn't want to be moved.

"Just a minute. Things are spinning…and you smell so good." He inhales deeply.

"Peeta, I really need to get you home." I place my hands on his chest and push again. This time he relents and we make our way to the Jeep. He does ok getting in, but we have to stop twice on the drive so he can vomit on the side of the road.

_Good Grief. I will kill Haymitch tomorrow. Shoot him right through the eye with an arrow._

He has a hand to his forehead and his steps are heavy as we climb the stairs to his attic bedroom. I love his room. It covers the full length of the house with a small bathroom on one end. Being at the top of the house it is impossibly quiet up here. He has a large bed nestled in one corner under a magnificent sky light that is almost as big as his bed. There are two more sky lights nestled between exposed dark mahogany beams that light up the room brilliantly in the daytime. He loves it because the light is perfect for painting. He has an area set aside for his easel and, being an art major, has several stacks of canvases leaning against the wall. His finished work can be seen all throughout the house, but he keeps his favorites up here. My favorite is the sun rising over a still ocean, just the faintest hint of waves. He says he saw the ocean exactly that way on a family vacation a few years back. It's a mix of blues, reds, oranges and tans. In the foreground you can see the faint outline of a figure. He won't say who it is, but I find the whole piece hauntingly breathtaking. The colors and the emotion are just so…him.

He is visibly more sober now. Even verging on sullen when we cross the threshold of his room.

"You're gonna need at least a gallon of water and Tylenol, hun," I tell him lightly as I turn to his little refrigerator to get a bottle of water.

"Don't call me, hun," he snaps at me. I jump.

"Excuse me?" I turn slowly back around and find he is glaring at me from beneath his slightly curling bangs.

"I said don't call me hun."

"O…K…"

"I mean, you are always so damned hot and cold, Katniss. Just when I think we're getting somewhere, that you might actually want me touching you, you go and flinch away from me. I mean, I just don't understand why Finn, of all people, can practically maul you and I can't even touch you half the time. What the fuck?" I do not even know where to begin to respond to that. He stands and begins to pace the floor.

"Look, Peeta, if this is about your mother and you want to talk…"

"My _mother? _You think this is about my _mother_?" His voice is noticeably escalating with every word, "Ha! Well, I suppose we _could_ thank Mother for this situation. God knows I spent most of my life trying to get _her _to show some kind of love for me. Hell, show any kind of emotion for me other than a push or shove or, if I was real lucky, a hit upside the head. Why else would I hang on to someone so completely emotionally unavailable to me."

I gape at him. My jaw opening and closing, trying to form words, but it doesn't matter, he just keeps yelling at me.

"You practically flinched when I approached you in the kitchen after waking up in that amazing embrace...after you had time to think about it and get over your embarrassment of being that close to me. You wouldn't let me near you, and the you've been MIA since we got back only making an appearance when I need rescuing. Do you really think I'd hurt you?"

"Peeta, I…um, I…" I feel hot tears well up in my eyes. I bite down on my lip to keep them from falling. I will not cry. I will not cry.

"Do you? I'm not him! I'd never do that! If you were mine, " His voice breaks and then softens, "God, if you were mine." He pauses, sits on the bed and puts his head in his hands. I make a move toward him tentatively, like I'm approaching a wild animal, but he stops me, holding his hand up. He sighs heavily.

"Fuck it. You aren't mine and if the other morning is any indication you never will be."

He flops back on the bed, hands scrubbing his face and groans.

"This has been one fucked up week. You know what?" He turns his head to look at me, defeated, "I'm a drunk, emotional train wreck right now. Don't listen to anything I said, Katniss. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm a drunken fool. Just…just go away…leave me alone."

He turns on his side facing the wall. Dismissing me. I back out of the room and run down the stairs, tears streaming down my face.

* * *

It's not until late the next evening that I make an attempt to get out of my bed. I skipped all my classes. I asked Joanna to cover my shift at the bar. I just buried myself under my comforter and tried to forget. The trouble is, I can't forget. Every time I close my eyes I see him yelling at me with a look of pure torture on his face, y_ou aren't mine…you never will be._

I have never seen Peeta like that before. I've never seen him so angry. I've never seen him so defeated, and to know I was the cause makes my stomach roll over and the tears course down my face like a river, soaking my pillow.

If I am honest with myself, I would admit that it's more than a physical attraction that I have for him. _That's _the reason I let Finn "maul" me and not Peeta. I like Finn. He's fun and we have a good time and I know I can count on him if something goes wrong, but that is it. However, all Peeta has to do is look at me with those intense baby blues and my insides go all mushy. It's the connection to him that I feel deep inside me that scares me so much and makes me push him away.

I remember the first time we met freshman year like it was yesterday. My new roommate, Joanna, and I were meeting her friend from high school, Finn, to go to a frat party across campus. I was still with Gale at the time, but when I opened the door and there stood Finn and Peeta, it wasn't Finn that my eyes settled on, it was Peeta. My heart started thundering in my chest, my tongue tied and my eyes just simply would not leave his. Thankfully, Joanna shoved herself passed me in her enthusiasm to get to her first real frat party and broke the spell I was under. But it wasn't only that. For the rest of the night he stuck close by my side. He didn't try hitting on me, which was the first thing Finn did, of course, but we spent a good portion of the evening locked in quiet conversation on the back porch of the frat. His easy, charming manner made him easy to talk to, something I'd always found agonizing with people I hadn't know for a long time. He was funny and witty and his smile sent shivers through me even as we sat in a group at the IHop at 4am. We'd met up with Madge and our friends Rue and Thresh as well, but the only person who held my attention was Peeta.

"He's hot, right?" Joanna had said gesturing to Peeta's backside as we walked behind the boys to the cars.

"I've got a boyfriend, Jo," I said indigently.

"Yea, yea. Nothing wrong with looking, though, and I definitely saw you looking, Chica."

I told myself later, as I restlessly tangled myself in my sheets, that it was just the outline of his sculpted muscles beneath his t-shirt and the way his blue eyes danced when he talked about the schools acclaimed art department that was causing the ache in my core. I would not admit, even for a second, that it was because it felt like my soul leapt from my body and into his when his thumb stroked the back of my hand as we said goodnight.

I still tell myself that lie every day.

It was two weeks later when my world crumbled under Gales betrayal. Peeta watched as I fell apart and then helped, along with the rest of our friends, pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I was sliced open and lain raw and refused to entertain the idea of Peeta or any other male.

Until now.

* * *

My nerves are raw when I step into the kitchen to find something to eat. Madge poked her head in about an hour ago to tell me she made grilled cheese. She was standing at the foot of the stairs when I came barreling down after my fight with Peeta. She'd heard the whole thing and the look of concern on her face was enough for me to start sobbing in her arms. _He didn't mean it. He's had too much to drink, Katniss, _she had said as she stroked my hair. She sat with me until I fell into a fitful sleep.

I am pulling my sandwich from the microwave when the back door opens. I freeze as I hear his heavy foot steps.

"Katniss, I ah, need to talk to you," he says, his voice solemn. When I turn to face him, his face falls. I'm sure I look a fright. My eyes have to be red and puffy, my face blotchy from the buckets of tears I've shed since I saw him last. I'm still wearing my yoga pants from last night and the t-shirt is all wrinkled from sleep. He closes his eyes and takes a long, slow inhale.

I place the sandwich on the counter and start back to my room. "I need to take a shower," I tell him, my voice barely audible. I refuse to meet his eyes. He moves to step in front of me and places his hands on the tops of my arms. I am mortified when a sound much akin to a whimper escapes my lips and a tear slips from my eye. His fingers graze my chin and he lifts it so my eyes meet his, his eyes traveling my face. I move my face from his gentle hand, my eyes closed.

"Oh God, Katniss, I am so sorry," his arms come around me and I am racked with sobs, "I am so, so sorry."

He holds me to his chest until my sobs ebb, gently rocking me back and forth, smoothing my hair and placing soft kisses to my head. The tenderness he's showing is a stark contrast to the maliciousness he showed last night. _This_ is Peeta. This is _my_ Peeta.

My hands have fisted into his shirt. When I finally feel myself calming, I slip my arms up around his neck and take in a deep shaky breath, hugging him to me.

Peeta moves his hands up my sides and over my arms to my hands and brings them from his neck, stepping back. He holds my hands in front of him as his blue eyes search my face.

"OK?" He cradles my face in one hand and brushes the tear stains from my cheeks with his thumb. My face nuzzles his palm, eyes falling shut.

"I don't mean to be so cold, Peeta." The words leave my mouth on a shuddered breath. "I just…" I huff out a breath, trying to collect my scattered thoughts and I move away from him, twisting my hands together.

It's now or never. I can end it here completely or tell him what I've never been able to even admit to myself. My mind is racing with a plethora of different thoughts as he watches them play across my face. Can I do this? Can I let my walls down and let him in? It's all or nothing. Once I do, I am his.

His face is so kind and gentle. His eyes don't have his usual sparkle and his mouth is set in a slight frown, a line forming between his eyebrows. I hate that frown. It doesn't belong on his sweet, beautiful face. I hate even more that I put it there. I can't keep doing this to him. Hell, I can't keep doing this to myself.

"I just don't know how to deal with all …this." I wave my hands between us.

"Really, Kat, it's not a problem. I didn't mean to unload on you like that. Those are my issues. I can deal with them. I am really sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. I never want to make you cry."

"But you were right, I did flinch and you had every right to call me out on it, Peeta."

"No, I was drunk and I…" I cut him off.

"No, listen, I can't keep giving you mixed signals. It isn't fair…to either of us." He looks at me curiously and apprehension clouds his eyes. He steels himself, ready for my final blow. God, I really hate that I have done this to him.

"When we are close like that…you know…"my eyes glance up at him then back down, "you k- know, like wh-when," oh, God, I'm stuttering _and_ I'm blushing, "on the couch. I just get so scared. You scare me."

His eyes go wide at this.

"I scare you?" He almost sounds offended. I'm not making myself clear, obviously. "Katniss, I won't hurt you. You'll always be safe with me."

I start to pace. I need words but they are just not coming.

I abruptly stop and hold my arms stiffly at my sides. I suck in a deep breath, looking him directly in the eye and say the words that have been stuck inside me for so long as quickly as I can, "I'm not scared of _you_, I'm scared of all these _feelings_ I have _fo_r you_."_

His eyes get all cloudy again, but this time it's with another emotion all together. He moves closer to me, reaching out with this hands and drawing me nearer.

"What kind of feelings, Katniss," he asks in a voice so sexy I shiver.

My hands go to his chest, "You know what they are," I say shyly.

"Tell me." His eyes are searching mine, imploring me to say the words that I can't find. I'm not ready for the words, but I can show him.

My lips touch his tentatively. I move my lips against his slowly, reveling in the soft sweetness. His hands settle on my hips and he pulls me closer, deepening the kiss. What started as a spark quickly ignites into an inferno. I didn't know a simple kiss could feel so…consuming. It's the only word that can even come close to describing the feeling that is between us right now. Consuming.

I jump back when I feel a buzzing on my leg and then a shrill ring sounds. He chuckles softly as he pulls it out. "Just my phone," he says as he shows it and laughs a little. Then he sees who it is and his face falls.

His dad.

All the happiness we were feeling is sucked out the room. A single tear escapes his eye when he hits end on his iPhone.

"My mom is gone. I need to go back." I take him quickly in my arms. "Will you come with me?"

"You don't even have to ask."

* * *

_So, this chapter was hard for me to write. I struggled with getting them together so soon_, _but if I held out much longer this story was going to be really long._**  
**

_I hope you enjoyed it.  
_

_Please leave me some feedback. I'd really like to know what you think about my writing style and how I can improve. Your criticism is always welcome (just be nice :)  
_

_Thanks again for your nice comments and all the follows and favorites.  
_


	4. Chapter 4

What do you do for a baker when his wife dies? Apparently, you bake a cake. And cookies and sweet breads and candy.

"It's like an audition or something," I say in awe at all the confections laying on every surface of the Mellark kitchen. I set a German Chocolate Cake on the counter with the rest. This one is from a woman dressed in head to toe pink. She teetered on 4 inch heals, with hot pink rhinestones, of course, as she anxiously searched the entry for a glimpse of the widowed Marcus Mellark. her face fell into a deep grimace when I thanked her and then shooed her away.

"See who can bake the best and become the hot bakers new wife…people are sick." Joanna scoffs as she dips her finger in the white frosting of a Coconut Cream Cake, "mmm, tasty, though."

The past couple of days have been a whirlwind of activity. The Mellark men and Finn have been racing around running errands and wrapping up last minute funeral details while Joanna, Madge and I have been manning the house and helping in anyway we can. We have cleaned, polished and buffed every surface of the house. We made sure all the laundry was done. We neatly folded and put away everything that was Mrs. Mellark's in hopes of saving Marcus that heartache.

None of us have had time to breathe. Peeta and I haven't had one moment alone. It doesn't seem like anything has changed between us except for a quick kiss here and there. There just hasn't been time. If the others have noticed a difference, they haven't said anything.

"Are you and Peeta OK now?" Madge asks quietly as we rearrange the refrigerator for the 4th time. There simply isn't enough room for all this food.

"Um, yea," I awkwardly stumble over my words. I really hate talking about this kind of stuff, "right before he got the phone call, we ah, kinda, um, I kissed him."

"You what?" she yells and almost drops a plate of deviled eggs.

I giggle. I actually giggle and her eyes go wide in amusement and she giggles too, "I don't think I have ever heard you giggle before, Katniss." She moves to me and takes me in a warm embrace, "I am so happy for you, honey."

"What are all these girly noises I hear in here?" Joanna comes waltzing in with yet another dish for our collection.

"Katniss kissed Peeta!" Madge exclaims practically bouncing on her feet and clapping her hands like a fourteen year old.

"About fucking time!" Joanna says with a whoop.

"Does this mean you're together now?" Madge says at the same time Joanna asks, "Have you done it yet? How is he in bed?"

"Well, no… and I wouldn't tell you anyway," I say sending a pointed look at Joanna and get an, "awe, you're no fun," in reply.

Then to Madge, "I'm not sure. We haven't really had much of a chance to talk or do much of anything. All this happened," I say waving my hand around the room. "It's all been a bit overwhelming."

"Do you want to be with him, Kat?" Madge queries, laying a hand on my arm.

"Yes, I, ah, I think I do. I mean, it's all so new and you know how I am about relationships." I sigh and unwrap a plate of sugar cookies, taking a blue one for myself and then placing it on the table for everyone else, "but, it's getting impossible to deny these feelings I have for him and, I don't know, I just trust him, I guess."

"He's a good man. He'll be good to you." Joanna says seriously and then, because it's completely impossible for Joanna to be serious for more than a minute, adds, "if you won't tell me how he is in bed, at least tell me how good a kisser he is…I mean, those lips…"

We are laughing and, God help me, giggling when Peeta, Finn and Ryan walk through the patio door. Madge jumps up and launches herself at Peeta.

"I'm so happy for you!" She says kissing him on the cheek and hugging him tightly. Peeta looks at me curiously over her shoulder. I blush and wonder if maybe I wasn't supposed to say anything. Maybe he doesn't think we are together or worse, maybe he doesn't actually want to be together.

"I see the cat is out of the bag," he says with a wink.

"Cat? What bag?" Ryan says.

"Oh thank God!" Finn says dramatically releasing an exaggerated breath , "I can finally say something." Of course Peeta would have told his best friend.

Peeta walks to my chair and leans down and presses a kiss to my lips that sends a bolt of lightening right to my toes. "I've been wanting to do that so badly since the other night." My cheeks redden and I bury my face in his shirt.

"Oh, _that_ cat," Ryan scoffs and stuffs his mouth with a cookie, sitting heavily in the seat next to Joanna, "that cat has never been in any bag..."

* * *

There is a monotony to ironing that is surprisingly soothing. The long, even strokes over the fabric lulls me into a calmness that I often find myself getting lost in. I do my best thinking at the ironing board. Sometimes, though, it brings thoughts I'd rather not have. As I draw the iron over the back of my charcoal gray shirtdress I find myself propelled back to a funeral 10 years earlier. Visions of my father laying in a casket fill my mind. My sweet, strong father pale from the morticians makeup, cheeks unnaturally colored with a dusting of rose that I hated. I thought he looked like a clown and it had angered me when I heard an old lady say how handsome and peaceful he looked. A woman who barely knew him. A woman who didn't know the fire and passion that used to light my father from within. My little sister, Prim, had screamed and buried her head in my side when she saw him laying there, her sobs echoing through the building, her tears leaving a wet spot on my simple black dress.

My father had been a crew boss at the coal mine when an explosion took his and the lives of 5 other men, including Gale's father. My throat begins to close when I think of Gale and I walking home from school, the two of us only 11 and 13, to find the sheriff and our father's bosses sitting in the living room of my house with our mothers. Gale had taken my hand as we stood watching our mothers clutch each other while the sheriff delivered the news of our fathers accident. The other men had assured our mothers of investigations and pensions and accidental death coverage. I only knew that it felt as if a pit had opened up and swallowed me whole. My whole world turned over in an instant.

"Hey, what's all this?" Peeta asks as he enters the laundry room. He turns me and wipes the tears I didn't know were falling from my face. I place the hot iron down and turn it off.

"I was just remembering my father." The sadness is evident in my voice and he hugs me to his bare chest.

"I didn't think how this would affect you, I'm sorry this is bringing up bad memories for you, do you want to talk about it?" He really is so sweet.

"No, absolutely not. Sometimes it all just sneaks up on me. I guess we've been too busy and the iron just got me to thinking." I give him a smile I know doesn't reach my eyes, "I don't want to think about that right now." I trail my fingers over the strong plains of his chest. I've never been this close to him while he's shirtless and I have to say I like it a lot. He shivers under my fingers and it makes me feel powerful that I can elicit this reaction from him by a simple touch in a laundry room.

"I just came to get my shirt," he says as he leans down to capture my mouth with his and pushes me back against the washing machine, "but I think I'll take this instead." His hand fists in my hair as the other travels down my thigh to the hem of my thin, cotton robe bringing my thigh up to wrap around him. He's stroking my thigh and trailing his fingers around the edge of my panties when Ryan bursts through the door.

"Geez, seriously guys, get a freaking room." He tries to sound annoyed but there is amusement lacing his voice. Peeta doesn't move from my mouth. He simply reaches for Ryan's freshly pressed shirt and tosses it at him.

"Get out, Ry," he grunts between kisses, "leave us alone."

Ryan laughs as he leaves and I hear him say, "don't go in there…live porn…baby bro's got his hands full, literally…"

I can't help but let a soft moan escape when he releases my mouth and trails soft, wet kisses down my neck, collar bone and then, finding the v in my robe, smoothing his tongue down the valley of my breasts.

"I seriously need to get you home and in my bed," he groans into my ear as he grinds himself into me causing a flood of warmth to pool in my core. My head falls back and he attacks my neck again.

"Peeta!" his Dad says loudly from the other sided of the door, "let the girl get dressed, we need to go soon."

Our breathing is labored as we reluctantly part. He sighs and touches a kiss to my forehead. "You are driving me crazy in this little, tiny thing." He lets his fingers trace the edge of my robe, grazing the skin between my breasts, his eyes liquid with desire.

I reach for his shirt and hand it to him. "Here, go, before we really get ourselves into trouble," I tell him, giving him a little push out the door. When he is gone I turn and lean heavily against the door. I place my hand over my thundering heart trying to calm myself but I can do nothing but feel him pressed against me and the thrum of desire still pulsing through my body. All thoughts of fathers and mothers and funerals are scattered in the wind.

* * *

I find Peeta in his old bedroom staring out the window at the setting sun awhile after coming home from the funeral. The sky is painted a beautiful shade of pink with fading strokes of blue and white. It's been a long, solemn day and I can see the tension riding his shoulders. I approach him softly and stand by his side, our bodies barely touching. He takes his hand out of his pocket and reaches for mine without turning his head.

"I thought I'd feel something…more…today." His voice holds a sadness I've never heard before.

"What do you mean?" He turns and sits on the bed, bringing me with him.

"I just thought I'd feel something other than this stifling guilt." He sighs heavily, "It's the only emotion I seem to be able to dredge up."

"What do you feel guilty about, Peeta?"

"I guess I just feel guilty because I don't feel bad that she's gone…I can't say I feel good she's gone…but I don't feel sad she is either," he pauses, and jumps to his feet, his hands scrubbing his face, "shouldn't a son feel bad his mother is dead?" His voice raises at the end with panic.

I watch the internal debate wage inside him. Even in her death she is making him feel inadequate. I am glad, in that moment, that I never knew Helen Mellark. I am glad I never got to witness the abuse she imposed on this family because I would have wanted to kill her myself. Throughout the whole, horrible funeral mass I watched as the Mellark men sat motionless. Each handling their grief in their own way, but none allowing a single tear to fall. It was like she had chased all emotion out of these men. She had sapped all of them of everything they had to give.

"You can only feel what you feel, Peeta," I tell him as I move to stand in front of him. I place my hands on his chest, smoothing the fabric of his shirt and loosening his silver tie. "There is no right way or wrong way to feel in these situations. All you can do is surrender to whatever it is and go with it. Don't judge yourself for what she ultimately caused."

He huffs out a breath and takes my hands in his, kissing my knuckles, "I know we haven't really talked about everything that happened this week, but I am so glad, that in the end, I ended up with you here at my side." He pulls me closer so I am flush with his body and takes my lips in a searing kiss. My mind goes blank as I feel his tongue softly stroke my bottom lip asking for entrance. When I open to him and our tongues dance I feel weak and moan in delight. Why did I ever deny this boy anything?

"You are with me right… completely? I haven't misread anything? You really want this?"

"Yes, Peeta," I say placing a soft kiss on his lips, "I'm right here," another kiss, "with you. I really want this." He smiles into my mouth and quickly picks me up, my legs immediately wrapping around his waist, my dress riding up to the tops of my thighs. He sets me softly on the bed never breaking our kiss and settles his body between my legs. I am hopelessly unaware of anything going on outside of the embrace we are in, the weight of his body pressing me into the mattress causing an intense flame of desire to course through my body. He is kissing me with such passion that it feels like he is trying to borrow his way inside me. My hands tug at his shirt, releasing it from his pants. I find the hem and begin to glide my hands up his bare sides, needing to be closer to him, when I hear a throat clear from the doorway. We tense in the moment, neither of us moving in hopes whoever it is will leave us alone.

"Sorry to interrupt, Son, but I, ah, need you downstairs." Peeta's dad turns to leave. When I turn my head I see there is a dusting of pink in his cheeks but it's also accompanied by a ghost of a smile.

Peeta groans and leans his forehead on mine, a smile overtaking his features. "Seriously, I just need you alone for a few minutes…ok, maybe a few _hours_…is that too much to ask ?" He kisses me again. "I don't want to ever leave this spot. Should've locked the door." He kisses me on the nose but reluctantly pushes himself off me.

A pang of nervousness begins to fill my chest as he leaves. Every time we are alone I am overcome with a sharp desire to lose myself in him and I can't help but wonder if maybe there is a reason we keep being interrupted. We've been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past week and it would be really easy to let it race out of control. Maybe something is telling us we need to slow down.

I smooth my rumpled dress and adjust my necklace. My legs wobble a bit in my 3 inch heeled black boots as I walk over to the mirror. I find a woman staring back with mussed hair and plump lips. She looks…happy…and I think, _I just don't know if I can slow down._

* * *

There are some nights when I just can't sleep. When I'm just so tired my mind will not shut off and I keep replaying the days events. Tonight is one of those nights. I try to bring back images of his lips on mine but it seems like the only thing my mind wants to conjure are images of caskets and explosions. 10 year old images mixing with moments from today haunting the recesses of my mind.

Madge is asleep next to me, snoring softly and I make my way out of the bed so I don't disturb her. I wish I could slip outside and run a few miles to take the edge off, but it's well after midnight. The house is quiet except for the faint drone of a TV coming from Peeta's room. His door is cracked open and I can see the flickering glow of the TV. I push on the door and it creeks open a little more. His eyes snap to mine.

"Hey," he says tiredly, "what are you still doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep." I push the door further and step inside. He's propped up on several pillows, hands behind his head, comforter around his waist.

"Yeah, me too," he motions to the spot beside him, "want to sit…watch some TV?"

I climb onto the bed and settle myself in the crook of his arm, head resting on his shoulder. He is warm and soft and I instantly feel myself calm. I wrap my arms around his middle and snuggle myself in close, his arms circling my shoulders and pressing me into his side.

"Mmmm, you feel nice," I whisper as my legs stretch under the covers and tangle with his.

"You feel better," he mumbles into my hair and then flips me quickly onto my back. A sharp giggle escapes me. He hovers above me, lips just inches from mine. When his lips touch mine everything changes and it's like a fire ignites between us. Like napalm running through my veins. His hands are everywhere, roaming above my t-shirt, over my little shorts. He groans as his hands find their way under my shirt and find my bare breasts. I arch my back underneath him unable to contain a long, deep moan. He lifts my shirt up and his mouth latches on to my breast and lightening shoots through me.

"Katniss, you don't know how long I've wanted this," he says on a moan as one hand snakes up my thigh and under the hem of my shorts.

Something inside me stills and suddenly I can't breathe. I am completely aware of what is happening and where we are quickly moving. The blood in my veins has turned molten and I feel like I am on fire, but my brain is screaming at me to stop.

This is too quick. Too fast. Too much.

He must feel the change in me because his hands still.

"What's wrong, Kat?" He is breathing hard and I can feel his heart pounding against my own. His eyes are soft and concerned as he brushes a stray piece of hair from my forehead.

"I just…I don't know," I am completely embarrassed at my lack of experience and I can't find any words. So many emotions are running through me. I still feel the sweet rush of ecstasy but a strong feeling of inadequacy is quickly overtaking my body. I move my head so I'm no longer looking at him. I can't meet his eyes and see the disappointment I know is there.

"Hey," he says softly, "Katniss, look at me." He removes his hand from my shorts and smoothes the creases in my forehead with his thumb. I'm still frozen underneath him as he smoothes down my top.

"I..I…can we just slow down…this is all just overwhelming me a little…I'm so sorry, I don't mean to lead you on." I still can't look at him, my head turned to the side. I wonder if he can sense the vast difference in our experience levels. I wonder if he has any idea just how inexperienced I am. Can he feel the fear that is coursing through my body right now? I don't want to disappoint him, but I don't know if I can handle this so soon.

Why did I ever think I could handle a man like him? A man who can have…probably has had…any woman he wants. I try to turn my head further as I feel a tear escape my eye.

"Don't do that, Kat, you didn't do anything wrong," he pleads as he leans his forehead on the side of my face, "Oh God, Kat, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to push you. I didn't mean to scare you…" He sucks in a deep, shaky breath. "I just want you so bad."

He pauses and sighs heavily.

"Katniss," he pushes up on his elbows and takes my chin to make me look at him, "you make me feel things I have never felt before and I can't seem to think straight when I'm near you."

When I do finally meet his eyes, it's not disappointment I find, it's worry I see etched on his face. I let myself soften beneath him and I feel him relax. He places a soft kiss on my lips and rolls off me, pulling me with him so I am nestled against his chest once again. I wrap my arm around his middle and hug him.

"I want you, too. So much. I just…Peeta… I feel like I lose myself when we are like this and it scares the hell out of me…I just need to get used to it, I guess."

He hugs me tightly, placing a tender kiss to my head. "It's OK, Kat. All I know is I need you in my life. I will wait as long as I need to. I promise. Just don't run from me."

"I won't run, but should probably go," I tell him before start to move to get up and return to my room. He pulls me back to him.

"No, stay, please. I've hardly slept since the day we woke up on the couch. Please stay." He brings the back of my hand to his lips and kisses each knuckle, "You're safe with me. You trust me, right, Kat?"

"Of course I do." He places my hand over his heart and I fall into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

I wake in the same position in which I fell asleep. The early morning sun is blinding me and there is a chill in the room from the open window. I bring the comforter up around my neck and gently turn myself to look at Peeta sleeping next to me. He looks so much younger when he's like this. His thick, blonde eyelashes cast a faint shadow under his eyes and his cheeks are colored slightly from the cool morning air. I never realized how thick his lashes are. I guess I've always been caught up in the blue of his eyes. I smooth his hair from his forehead and silently curse myself when he begins to stir. I didn't mean to wake him.

His arms tighten around me as he cuddles me close. "I could get used to this," he says on a tired sigh, but groans when he opens his eyes and find the room so bright.

"What time is it?"

"7:18"

He groans and stretches, "I guess we better get moving. We need to get home today. Do you want to shower first?"

"You go ahead. I'll get the others up," I tell him. He moves to get up, but I hold him in place, thoughts of last night eating at my mind.

"Peeta," I say softly, "I really am sorry about last night."

He gathers me in his arms and holds me tight.

"No apologizing anymore, Kat." He pauses to nuzzle the crease in my neck, " I told you, it was my fault. We will get there…together. I will wait for you." He gives me a long kiss to make his point before rolling of the bed and trudging to the bathroom.

I am mindlessly twisting my hair into a braid, my mind still inside that kiss, when I step out of the room and nearly run into Joanna coming out of the door across the hall.

That room is Ryan's, I am almost positive.

My eyes go wide at her disheveled appearance. Her face is flush and her dark, pixie hair is all over her head, her mouth puffy like she has just been thoroughly kissed.

"Seriously, Joanna…Ryan?"

She smiles wickedly as Ryan pokes his head around the door frame, wagging his eyebrows, "seriously, sweetheart," he says to me with a wink and pulls Joanna back in the room by the waist, laughing loudly as she shrieks and squeals.

"We need to get going soon, Jo!" I shout through the door and roll my eyes at their raucous laughter. I can't help but laugh at them, too. It's a welcome sound after the last few days.

I'm quietly humming to myself when I find Marcus struggling with the contents of the refrigerator.

"I think everyone in town is afraid I'm going to starve…Helen did run this house, after all," he says sadly.

"Here, let me," I tell him as I move a bunch of containers around and retrieve a breakfast casserole. I busy myself pulling plates from the cabinets as Marcus settles himself at the island bar. I place a fresh cup of coffee in front of him. He breathes in the strong scent.

"It's been nice having you kids here. It's helped very much," he says as he tries to adjust his shoulder without wincing.

"There's nowhere we'd rather be." I check on the casserole in the oven.

"Well, I don't know about that," he chuckles, "but my son is very lucky to have you all…especially you, Katniss." I turn to say something, but he continues, "he's been floundering these last few years and it's nice to see him settle down."

"Well, I can't say how settled he is, " I say nervously, "we're kinda just trying to figure everything out."

"Yes, yes," he pauses taking in my reaction. Then, carefully, he says, "I think you're good for him. He seems very happy even though this isn't the best time."

A smile curves my lips. I thank him as the others make their way into the kitchen, the smell of fresh coffee and food drawing them like flies to a picnic.

* * *

The feeling in the house is different as we pack to go home. It's not necessarily happiness filling the air, but the somber, dark cloud has lifted. Laughter can be heard echoing the halls.

Ryan approaches me with an unusual cautiousness as I am loading bags of food in the back of the jeep. "Hey, I'm sorry about last week…truly. I wasn't…yeah, um…I'm just glad you're back and nothing I said ruined things for my baby brother." He's tripping over his words. Maybe he does have a heart after all.

This man never fails to catch me off guard.

I can't help but hug him.

"Huh, Peeta kept telling me you weren't actually an ass…guess I should have believed him." I say laughing. Yes, it's official, I like Ryan Mellark.

As we pile into the cars I see Peeta and Marcus engaged in a tight, but careful embrace. Marcus leans in and says something close to his ear that causes Peeta to smile and look my way. I cock my head in question.

When he settles himself in the car, he leans in for a kiss. What he whispers in my ear has me ducking my head as a happy blush covers my face.

"I'm forbidden from ever letting you go...good thing I don't plan on it."

* * *

_So, I had absolutely no ideas going into this chapter when I finished the last because, honestly, according to my outline, Katniss and Peeta were not supposed to get together until after the funeral, but the last chapter just didn't come out that way. I ended up with a huge plot gap. I had to start from scratch and rework my entire outline. Plus, Friday was my birthday and copious amounts of beer and margaritas were involved...yeah, this was a tough one, for sure._

_I hope you're happy with the result.  
_

_Thank you to everyone who has alerted and reviewed.  
_

_Again, let me know what you think. Your criticism is always welcome.  
_


	5. Chapter 5

_Please refer to the rating. It's a tad shorter, but I think you'll be satisfied _;)

* * *

It seems I rather enjoy waking up in the arms of a beautiful man. There is something so sublime about the way he holds me tucked safely into his chest. Like two puzzle pieces perfectly joined. There is something so tender about the way his hand always finds mine in the still of the night. I feel safe and warm and wanted. The world could burn and it would be OK as long as I can feel his long legs between mine and his warm breath caress my neck.

Yes, I enjoy waking in the arms of my man.

It's only been two days since we returned from his mothers funeral and we have been busy playing catch up with everything we missed. Professors don't really give much of a pass even for a family death. Apparently, neither do evil baseball coaches. Even if the sport isn't "in season" right now, they still have to suffer through brutal workouts and practice. So, I've been savoring these moments together alone in his bed.

He's still sleeping, his breath deep and even. He is laying on his back and I have my head resting in that little space under his shoulder that seems to have been created just for me. I know he will wake any moment. He always starts to stir at the same time. I blame the sky lights because, while they are beautiful and serve a very practical purpose in this room, especially for an artist, the early morning light has no damper and will yank you out of the deepest sleep whether you like it or not.

These are my most favorite moments, though. Moments where I can indulge myself in mapping the planes of his torso. He doesn't wear a shirt to bed. He tells me it's too constricting. He also tells me, with a wink, that I should try it sometime. I coyly tell him maybe and return his wink.

I let my fingers wander softly over his skin. It's smooth and soft with only a smattering of course, light hair sprinkled between his pecks. I run my fingers through it , rubbing the hairs between my fingers gently, careful not to wake him. His breathing is still deep and even. I trail them through the valleys his muscles create, tracing each line with my fingertips under his pecks and down to the lines that cross and make up his stomach.

Such a beautiful expanse of skin.

My fingers find the fine trail of soft, downy hair that leads below the waist of his shorts. I lick my lips and inch the comforter down a little further so the V leading to his pelvis is exposed to me as well. I inch myself up on my elbow so I can see the full expanse of the man laying in front of me.

I place soft kisses down the center of his stomach while my hand plays with the downy hairs leading downward. I let my tongue dip into the V and follow it down. I see him twitch in his shorts and I smile, pleased with myself.

He's been so sweet and gentle these last couple of days. He's let me set the pace, relinquishing all control to me. I know he must be frustrated with me, but he doesn't show it. I think he's afraid he's going to scare me away. I don't blame him after the way I reacted the other night.

His gentleness has only made me more bold.

My fingers dip under the waist of his shorts and his hand immediately grabs mine.

"Having fun?" His voice is deep from sleep and sends a shudder through me.

"mmm hmm." I continue to place light kisses up his torso. When I lift my eyes to him, his eyes are heavy with desire. I smirk when I close my mouth on this nipple and his eyes immediately fall closed and a soft moan escapes his lips.

I move to his mouth and pull my hand from where it is still clutched in his.

"Let me," I whisper into his mouth before I take his bottom lip between mine. I tug on it slightly before releasing it and making my way back down his body. His body shivers as my tongue glides across his skin and down the line of hair to his shorts.

My hand smoothes over him and I find him hard under his shorts. His soft _mmmm _emboldens me further and I inch his shorts down until he is fully revealed to me. I glance back to his face to find his eyes wide in surprise.

"Let me," I say again.

When my mouth closes over him he hisses out a breath. I take my cues from the sounds he is making and the way his hands have threaded through my hair, gently pulling on the strands when I do something he particularly likes.

I am in love with the sounds he's making.

The way he is moving beneath me is making me burn with desire. His breathing is getting more labored the closer he gets and a light sheen of sweat is beginning to cover his skin. His hands tighten in my hair causing me to moan in delight. I cup him in my hand working him to the point of no return.

His hips buck up into me.

"I'm so close, Katniss," he says on a groan of pure pleasure.

He tries to pull me off him, but I will have none of that. I keep working him until he erupts and I take everything he has to give.

"That was amazing," he says when he has come down. I smile against his skin where I have laid my head. He grabs me under my arms and hauls me up to the pillow and leans over me. "Amazing," he whispers again and places a smoldering kiss to my lips, "spectacular."

He releases my mouth and pushes away from me a little so he can look at me. His head cocks to the side and he grins down at me.

"You look very pleased with yourself, Miss Everdeen."

I _am _very pleased with myself. At this very moment I feel like I could take on the world. Like I could dance on Broadway or climb Mount Everest. But all I can do is smile shyly at him and bite my lip.

"Oh, you have got to be the sexiest thing I have ever seen." Peeta dives in for another kiss, his thumbs drawing circles on my rib cage, only grazing the sides of my breasts. He's being so careful with me it makes me sigh with delight.

I am falling hard and fast, and I know, in that moment, if I'm not already in love with him, I will be soon.

Peeta is toweling off his hair when he steps out of the bathroom twenty minutes later. I had really wanted to join him but something still held me back from that final step.

_Soon._

"This is perfect," he says as he fits a tight black t-shirt over his body and motions to where I am still lounging in his bed. A smug smile still plastered over my face.

"This is what I want to wake up to every day…you in my bed." He sits next to me, the mattress giving a little under his weight causing me to roll slightly closer to him.

He kisses me gently on the lips and then finishes with a kiss to my forehead. I love how he always finishes his kisses.

"I just wish I didn't have class, because I'd spend all morning making you feel as good as you just made me feel." A flush breaks out over my body at the thought.

"Soon," I whisper.

* * *

I am singing softly and dancing down the hall to my room in nothing but my robe after showering in Peeta's bath. My mood is still sky high. I feel powerful and girlie and beautiful all at the same time. I can still taste him on my tongue and feel him beneath my fingers. When I bring my hands to my face I find I smell like his body wash. A sweet reminder of him to carry through the day.

I am startled to find Gale sitting on my perfectly made bed with his head in his hands.

"Gale. What are you doing here?" I ask looking around. I haven't seen him since the night I sang with him at the bar. He looks tired and moody.

_Great._

"Do you know how I got to start my day today, Katniss?"

_Fantastic. My real name. Here we go._

"No, Gale, do tell." He ignores my sarcasm.

"Well, I'm searching the house for you, hoping to catch you before you leave for your morning run, which I see you skipped today," he says looking me up and down, his eyes slowing when they get to my bare thighs, "when I find Peeta all chipper in the kitchen making some breakfast."

"OK, so? You found me," I say getting a little exasperated, "what did you need so early in the morning, Gale?"

"Just let me continue," he says allowing a little venom to slip into his voice, "when I ask if he knows where you are he tells me you are upstairs and I think, _I just checked her room_, and then I realized why his voice is so smug and chipper…because you're not here upstairs…" he shows his hand around my room.

"Gale, I don't know what you're getting on about, can you just get to the point." I'm purposefully being obtuse just to annoy him.

_Who the hell does he think he is?_

"What are you doing, Catnip?"

_Ah, back to the nicknames._

"Getting ready for class."

"Your bathroom is in there." He flings his hands to the bathroom that joins Madge and my room.

"Your point?"

_Fuck. Him._

"Are you really fucking him, Katniss?"

"Do you have to be so crass, Gale?" I bite out. I will not let him get to me today. I feel too good.

"Do you have to be so precious, Katniss?" he mocks and I clench my teeth together so hard my jaw hurts.

"It's not really any of your business, is it?" I say between my teeth.

"You are my business, Catnip," he says as he twists the silver ring on his right hand that I gave him years ago.

_The fuck I am!_

"I'm pretty sure I stopped being your business the minute you decided to fuck half of Panem," I yell. Now I'm seething. Why is he always the one to ruin my good moods?

"Is that what this is about?"

"This," I motion my hands to indicate my body, "has nothing to do with you, at all."

Gale stands up from my bed and steps close to me, his hand reaching for my face. I step back and hold up my finger up to him, but he takes another step to me anyway, his nose wrinkling.

"Ugh, I can still smell him on you," he sneers in disgust. He shakes it off and calms himself.

"Look, I still care about you, Catnip." His voice is softer now, but his large, hulking frame is still hovering over me. He's making me very uncomfortable as his hand grazes my chin. I know he'd never do anything to physically harm me, but I'm standing here in nothing but a thin robe that barely graces the tops of my thighs.

I feel exposed and vulnerable and I'm starting to shake.

"Everything OK in here?" Finn asks from the open doorway. My eyes snap to him and I visibly deflate, thankful for the interruption.

Gale lets out a short laugh then says, "Yeah, just fine, aren't we, Catnip" and leaves.

Finn approaches me and takes me in his arms.

"You alright, baby? You're shaking."

"He just makes me so mad."

_Sometimes I hate Gale Hawthorne so much._

* * *

"I think we should have a party," I tell Peeta as we are getting ready for bed that night.

"When?" He asks as he pulls off his shoes and places them neatly in his closet, then nicely folding the flannel shirt he just took off and placing it on the back of his chair. Peeta is nothing if not tidy. I imagine he learned that from his mother, the warden. I wonder how he will deal with me leaving my clothes on the floor all the time. I'm not known to be the neatest person.

"I'm thinking tomorrow. We have all that food we brought home and we're not all going to be able to eat it and no one is working." I pull my hair tie out of my braid and begin to unravel it. He moves to me and replaces my fingers with his own. Slowly and methodically untwisting each piece.

I love the feel of his fingers in my hair.

"Jo, Madge and I all talked today and we think we can pull it off…just a small thing…I want everyone to meet my friend Annie and Jo said she's got a few people to invite…Rue, Thresh…you guys I'm sure have people...I think it's doable."

"Sounds good to me. Finn and I can get a keg." He pauses and I hear him take in a deep breath. "You gonna tell Gale?" I turn to face him.

"Finn told you what happened this morning?" He nods.

"Well, he does live here."

"That he does." I practically hear him think _Not that I have to like it. _

"Sorry I didn't warn you he was looking for you. I just didn't really think anything of it."

"Probably didn't help that all I had on was my robe." His face turns hard and his mouth moves down in a frown.

"Do I need to put limits on where you can wear that robe…like not outside this room?" I have to say, possessive Peeta is kind of cute.

He takes my face in both his hands and places a soft, lingering kiss to my lips. "Do you want to talk about it?" He kisses me again, his hands moving to my waist.

"Not when you do that."

I feel that familiar heat rising in me again. I swear all he has to do is touch me and I flame to life. He keeps one hand at my waist, holding me to him, while the other travels up my side and to that sweet spot right below my ear.

He's searching my face,his eyes twinkling. He's asking permission.

I stretch my body up so I can be closer to his mouth, my arms wrapping around his neck. My tank top rides up and Peeta's hand finds my bare skin. His hand feels huge on me, practically covering my entire side. His thumb drawing slow circleson my ribs. It feels exquisite.

I crush my lips to his. Long, slow kisses. Both of his hands are on my waist and he is lifting me up so my legs wrap around him. I instantly come in contact with his hardness and I cannot contain the gasp that falls from my lips. He grinds his hips into that sweet spot between my legs causing a relentless ache.

"Let me," he says echoing my words from the morning. "I want to make you feel the way you made me feel."

He settles me down on the bed and kneels between my legs to draw my booty shorts off my body. He looks into my eyes and waits for me to nod my OK. His eyes are soft, but filled with desire. I lift my hips for him. I can feel the nervousness creep into my body as I lay bare before him for the first time. I shove it back down.

_I want this._

His tongue snakes out from between his lips and he peers up at me from under heavy lids. The look he gives me can only be described as ravenous.

He climbs up between my legs, his hands running themselves under my tank top and up my back, releasing me from its confines. Slowly his gaze runs over my naked body. I want to hide and I even move my arms to cover myself, but he holds my hands away.

"Don't hide from me, Katniss," he purrs into my ear, "I want to see you. You are so beautiful." His eyes are on my face to make sure I'm still with him and he hasn't gone too far.

I smile at him and softly tell him, "OK."

_I can do this._

I will myself to relax as he explores the top half of me with his tongue. Sucking and nipping his way down. He pauses only to lavish attention on each breast, first with his hands and then, thankfully, with his mouth. I groan loudly with appreciation and he smiles against me.

"You like that?" he whispers against the underside of my breast causing goose bumps to break out all over my body. I can only groan my assent.

He slowly moves a hand down my body sending shivers coursing through my body. I am quivering with desire as his hands swirl over me. I want to push his hands down so he can quench the gnawing ache I feel between my legs. I am growing more and more impatient as the ache consumes me.

_Oh, God, I think I'm going to break apart beneath his hands from the anticipation alone._

His hips start to move against my thigh. I can feel him pressing his length into me over and over again.

Finally he cups me and I push myself into his hand needing release.

"Aaahhh," I moan loudly. His mouth finds mine again as his fingers dip into me.

"Mmm, you are so wet for me, Katniss." His tongue slowly tangles with mine. Deep, slow, penetrating kisses. He is still pressing himself into my side over and over again as I feel a sweet gathering start build.

I am lost. I can feel nothing but him all around me as all the blood in me seems to race down to that one spot. Then there is the explosion and I am shuddering my release. His mouth swallows the deep moan I cry.

He is still thrusting against me when I snake my hand down and grip him under his shorts. It isn't long before he finds his own release.

As our breathing calms and our bodies are sated, he nuzzles my ear.

"You are incredible. I cannot wait to make love to you. " He presses another blinding kiss to my mouth.

"I want to make you mine in every way."

_Doesn't he know I'm his already?_

_Completely._

_In every way._

_His._

* * *

_Sorry this is so short, but I really thought you would enjoy this sooner rather than later. I wasn't planning on making it so explicit, but you know, hey...sometimes it all just comes out whether you intend it that way or not.  
_

_I hope you liked it. Still haven't found a beta...so, I apologize for any mistakes you find.  
_

_Leave me some feedback and tell me your thoughts!  
_


	6. Chapter 6

"Wow, this is a really nice house, Katniss." Annie exclaims as she looks around the entry of our house. She runs her hands down the mahogany railing leading to the second floor. The house is a hundred and twenty- year-old Victorian and still has some of the original woodwork and other fine details intact. The railing and the ceiling in the entryway are finely detailed and make a breathtaking statement when you first walk in.

"Yeah, we got really lucky with this house. It's beautiful, for sure, but it's still really old and the maintenance can be a bit much for a bunch of college students."

"How did you come across a place like this so close to campus?' She asks, her eyes fixated on the giant, iron and crystal chandelier hanging in the stairwell.

"Actually, my boss, Haymitch, owns the place. You remember that old reality TV show awhile back where they drop a bunch of people in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the clothes on their back to see who can survive the longest?" Annie nods her head, her eyes wide. "Well, he won that and got a boat load of money. He bought the bar and a bunch of properties in town and invested really well…and we needed a place to stay…so, here we are."

"Wow, _that_ guy won the Hunger Games?" Annie had met Haymitch a few times when she'd come in to see me. She never stayed too long, only for a drink or two, but she got the pleasure of Haymitch a couple of times when he was mostly drunk and disorderly. "I can barely believe he can keep himself upright, much less win a wilderness survival game."

"Haymitch is actually shrewder than you think. He's a pretty cunning old bastard. I can give you a tour another time, let's go out back with everyone."

Annie has quickly become one of my favorite people this year. She's sweet and genuine, but she's also very mellow, laid back and a bit odd, so I'm not sure how she's going to take my crazy friends, but I think they'll love her too.

We nearly collide with Gale as he stumbles out of the basement with his guitar. His eyes are like slits and he smells like he just smoked a pound of weed.

"Hey Catnip! Who's your friend?"

I turn to find Annie gaping at Gale. I don't blame her, though. He looks smoldering in his tight black t-shirt and torn blue jeans that are hanging perfectly from his narrow hips. He looks every bit the rocker with his chains hanging from his belt, rings on his fingers and tattoos covering his arms. His hair is still wet from his shower and I watch her eyes follow a drop as it falls and runs down his muscled arm.

"This," I say taking her arm and bringing her attention back to the here and now, "is Annie Cresta, my friend from class…Annie, this is Gale Hawthorne."

He holds out a hand to her, "Nice to meet you, Annie Cresta." He gives her a blazing smile then turns to me, "Hey Catnip, I need to talk to you…you got a minute?"

I frown a little. I really don't want to get into it with him again. It seems like every time I see him lately all we do is fight.

"I don't want to fight, Gale."

"Naw, none of that, I just want to talk for a minute." He looks so genuine. Like the Gale I used to know. I suppose if I have to talk to him I might as well do it when he's high. At least then I know the chances of it turning into a shouting match are slim. He's the sweetest thing when he's high. Drunk, not so much. I like him this way much better.

I tell him I'll find him in a little while and we make our way out to the party.

"I didn't know you lived with him…didn't you say you used to date?"

"Yep," I say, "now he's just the troll that lives in our basement."

"I heard that!" Gale yells from the kitchen.

After I introduce Annie to Madge and show her the food and beverages I go to find Gale. I miss our friendship. I miss the way we were when we were kids, before we became more than friends. It was so easy. We were just Catnip and Gale. Two kids who spent most of their time running around the woods together climbing trees and skipping rocks. It always seemed like we knew what the other was thinking, either finishing each other's sentences or not even needing to say anything at all to communicate.

He was the only person I ever wanted to talk to. The only person I _could _talk to. Words just don't come easy to me and most people would rather assume I'm cold and stuck up than to actually take the time to get to know me and see that I just don't have an easy time speaking to people. I'm not witty, quick or clever. Most of the time I trip and fumble over my words, causing me to feel uncomfortable and stupid. Instead, I choose the safer path of simply not saying anything at all.

With Gale I didn't have to speak. He understood me. He already knew everything because he experienced it with me. He was the other half of me. The Fred to my Barney. Ethel to my Lucy.

We had a closeness most people never find their entire lives.

It's the reason he broke me so badly. But, it's also the reason I had to forgive him. The reason we're still friends. At times, best friends. I miss my friend.

I miss that Gale.

When I find him, he's snarfing a plate of brownies. He lazily looks up at me and smiles, his grey eyes dancing. He holds a brownie out to me as he comfortably moves around the kitchen. Like he doesn't have a care in the world.

His smile is easy tonight and I have to wonder how much assistance he's had with that. I wish he smiled more. It softens his features. Gone is the brooding, hard man and he's charming and approachable. Makes me think of the boy from long ago. It seems the only time I see it these days is when he has a guitar strapped to him or like now, when he's high.

It's a stark contrast to the angry, arrogant man I found in my room yesterday.

"So, I've got an idea for a song," he says as I take the brownie from him. "I think we should rework this old Pat Benatar song I heard on the classic rock station the other day."

And just like that we are back to normal. Like yesterday never happened.

"Pat Benatar? Seriously?" All I can think of is synthesized 80's pop rock and it makes me cringe.

"Seriously, I think we can strip it down and put our own spin on it. Your voice would be perfect, Catnip. Here, check it out," he says as he brings his guitar to his lap and begins strumming.

We are leaning over the island with our heads together laughing and watching a YouTube video on his phone of the song "We Belong" so I can get the words when the feeling of Peeta's hand on my back makes me jump.

"You're missing your own party, Kat." He says. His voice low and even. I straighten and he slips his hand under my sweater as he pulls me to him. It's an intimate gesture that doesn't escape Gale's watchful eyes. His eyes follow Peeta's hand and he smirks a little and shakes his head.

"Just doin' our thing, man," Gale says and straightens to leave. "Think about it, Catnip. I think it'd be great."

"What was that all about?" Peeta asks after Gale is gone. His voice has a hardness to it that I don't like and it sets me a little on edge. I busy myself by wrapping the brownies back up and putting them away in hopes of keeping my temper in check.

"He's got an idea for a new song. We were going over it."

"mmmhhhmmm," he says as he shakes his head in disbelief.

"What?" I ask, getting more frustrated.

"You really don't see it do you?" He's smirking at me and I don't like it. I narrow my eyes and raise my shoulders at him, silently asking him what the fuck he's talking about.

"He's manipulating you, Katniss," he says with an exasperated sigh, his arms lifting then flopping to his sides.

"How? We've been singing together for years, Peeta…years."

He places his hands on the center island with his head hanging low. I can feel him gathering himself, trying to dampen his temper. He huffs out a quick breath and looks at me sideways.

"Did he at least apologize for yesterday?"

"In his own way," I say. It's not really the way Gale and I work. I also know that that answer will not satisfy Peeta. I watch him shake his head and then look at me, distaste filling his eyes.

"So, in other words, no." He pushes himself away from the counter and downs the rest of his beer in one gulp.

"That's not how we are. You know there's a lot of history." My throat is threatening to close up. This conversation in quickly getting out of my control.

"Oh, I know all about the history, Katniss," he bites out, his lips morphing into a sneer, "I was there for the worst of it, I held the pieces of it in my hands." He crushes his cup in his hand and tosses it in the garbage can. His movements harsh and deliberate and I can't help but wonder if he wishes he had something more substantial than just a red Solo cup to throw around.

"You were only there for a fraction of it, Peeta…"I say softly. I want to continue, to try to explain something I know he'll never understand, but he cuts me off with a sardonic laugh.

"And what a fraction that's been. I just don't get you two," he shouts.

He pauses and quickly reins himself in when he sees me startle at his tone.

"He cheats on you; you forgive him. He treats you like you're his property; you forgive him. Now, when you're finally trying to move on to something good, he's trying to reel you back to him. I mean what does he have to do to make you let him go? Kill someone?"

"Peeta! That's not fair. It's not like that…he's my best friend." As I hear myself say it, I wish I hadn't. I see him stiffen.

"Yeah, and what am I?" This time it's me who tenses under his scrutiny.

When I don't answer he just huffs out a long sigh, "I need a beer."

He roughly shoves the door to the patio open, leaving me feeling dejected and confused.

* * *

"Here, my sweet, you must try this," Finn says as he comes from behind where I am standing in the yard talking with Annie. He lays his chin on the top of my head, his hand wrapping around me. My nose wrinkles as the scent from the cup he is holding fills my nostrils. It's another one of his infamous party concoctions. I roll my eyes and Annie chuckles at the look of disgust that covers my face. Finn is known for his ridiculous drink creations that often result in a gag, heave or even the occasional vomit.

I feel him still at Annie's laugh, his interest piqued.

"Well, hello there," he drawls using his best come hither voice, "I don't think we've met yet. Finnick Odair," he tells her holding out his hand. She only looks at it and then back up to his face, unimpressed. A quick snort escapes me and I quickly lift my hand to cover my mouth.

Finn's mouth drops open in disbelief. I don't think he's ever been rebuffed before.

I pat his arm and try not to laugh as his eyes dart back and forth between Annie and me, jaw dropping open and closed. I take pity on him and make the introductions. Annie simply nods her head in his direction. When he recovers his ego, he tips his hat to her and makes his way over to the beer pong table Peeta and Thresh are preparing, occasionally glancing back in our direction.

"Not your type?" I question, my voice mirroring the disbelief I know Finn is choking on.

"Oh, he's cute enough. I just hate guys like that. You know, the God's gift type," she tells me, the aversion evident in the look she's giving me. "They're always so shallow and self-centered. Too bad, really. It's be nice to find someone who looked like that but was a real person, too."

I ponder this. She's not wrong, necessarily. Finn does come across that way at first. He knows what he looks like and he often capitalizes on it. But I also know how genuine and good he is. I believe, whole-heartedly, there is more to Finnick than he lets the world see. I know there is. He's proven it over and over throughout the years I have known him. He gives every bit of himself to the things the believes in and the people he loves.

"There's more to him than that, Annie," I admonish her. She only scoffs at me and I'm taken aback a little. Annie never struck me as so judgmental. One of the things I like so much about her is her friendly, easy, accepting manner.

"Maybe," she says shrugging her shoulders. A loud cheer comes from where Thresh and Finn have begun their game, Finn downing a cup of beer after Thresh artfully lands his first lob. She rolls her eyes as one of Finn's admirers wipes some beer from his face and his fingers graze her face in thanks. What I notice, however, is how his eyes are not on the girl by him, but firmly planted on Annie's lithe form.

* * *

"What's that twat doing here?" Johanna asks with a dramatic wave of her hand at the two girls coming through the gate to the back yard. I turn to see a tall blond girl in tight, black hot pants and loose, sparkling, hot pink off-the-shoulder top. Her heavily makeup covered face scans the crowd and lights when her gaze falls on Peeta. My back is instantly up and I practically snarl when she makes her way toward him.

Glimmer.

She is the twat, so aptly named by Johanna, that Peeta saw off and on over the summer.

I loathe her. I loathe her over-privileged, BMW driving, Louboutin wearing ass.

Madge, Jo and I spent hours snickering over her ridiculous make up or her perfectly coifed hair. Even though I was far from admitting my feelings for him then, my stomach still tied itself into tight knots whenever I saw them together. While Peeta rarely, if ever, brought girls home, the nights when he would stay out left me tossing and turning in my bed hoping to hear his footsteps above me in his room.

Jo hands me another drink and Madge appears at my side, all of us watching as Glimmer strokes a hand down Peeta's arm. To his credit he moves away, but I am still seething inside. He must feel my eyes on him because when he looks in my direction his face falls and he grabs her arm and leads her back to the gate.

"Delly, why the fuck did you bring that mutant here?" Johanna says to the girl striding toward us. Delly is Peeta's high school friend. She's friendly to the point of annoying most of the time, but she's a pretty decent person when her mouth is shut. She, like Glimmer, is the typical, loud mouth, ditzy sorority girl. Big tits and an even bigger mouth. Unlike Glimmer, though, she and Peeta have never been more than friends and I can tolerate her in small doses.

"Oh, she needed to talk to him about something…practically begged me to bring her here." Her eyes fall on me and she beams.

"Katniss, I can not tell you how happy I was when Peeta told me he finally got you to say yes to him," she gushes. "He's so happy and I am just so glad I don't have to watch him with my sisters anymore…it was getting a little awkward in the house." She winks at me conspiratorially and I just blanch at her. Does she ever think before she speaks? Does she want me to punch her?

Madge sees my jaw clench and takes Delly by the arm and leads her away before she gets fed her teeth, "So tell me, Dell, what's going on at the house these days?"

To distract me, Johanna shouts, "I think it's karaoke time!" and takes my hand, pulling me to where the machine is set up on the porch. I'm not sure why we need it as Gale is sitting in the corner playing his guitar for a few people. Johanna is insistent, though, and I choose my favorite Florence and the Machine song, "Kiss With A Fist." It seems like a good way to blow some steam and rid some tension. Johanna joins me and soon we are belting out the lyrics and she is dancing around the porch like a maniac.

However, my eyes stay trained on Peeta standing by the gate in a quiet conversation with Glimmer, no matter how hard I try to concentrate on the song. His eyes flicker to mine every once and awhile. He is careful to keep any emotion from his face but I can see he isn't happy. I can read it in his body language. The short jerks of his hands. The tightness with which he holds his shoulders. Is he still unhappy with me or with her?

I feel all the self-doubt and apprehension that I have been trying to bury since Peeta and I started this _thing _we have begin to fill me as I watch him lay a hand softly on her arm. A pit opens up deep inside me when I watch him take her in his arms. She relaxes in his arms and tries to hold him too, but he takes her shoulders and pushes her gently back. He leans his head down so he can look her in the eye. I wish I knew what he was saying.

I want to throw up.

After the song ends I head for the kitchen to get a tray of Jello shots from the fridge and bring them back to where Johanna and Annie are talking.

"That's my girl!" Jo says and hip bumps me.

I scoop the slick substance out with my tongue, the cherry flavor sliding down my throat with ease. I do the same for a second and then a third. I feel a set of eyes on me and find Gale staring at me from across the yard. When we make eye contact his eyes travel over to where Peeta still stands with Glimmer. His eyebrows raise and he shakes his head.

Finn approaches us and makes a crude comment about gladly letting any of us use our tongues on him. When he sees me staring a hole through Peeta he takes me under his arm and kisses my temple, then whispers in my ear. "It's nothing. You know him and you are all he has ever wanted." He kisses me again and pulls me in for another long hug. Finn's tenderness disarms me and my eyes go soft and I feel like crying; all anger drained from my body.

I know he's right. In my heart, I know he is right.

He's mine.

One bimbo at a party is not going to change that. Still, I cannot help the relief I feel when I finally see her leave and Peeta make his way to the keg.

Finn squeezes my shoulder and makes his way over to him, leaving me to my thoughts.

"Maybe I misjudged him," Annie says softly, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Hmm?"

"Finn, he seems to really care about you."

She looks down into her empty cup, then over to where Finn is standing with his head bent close to Peeta's. Their faces are shadowed but I can see Finn listening intently to whatever Peeta is saying, his hand laying on his shoulder. Finn says something and pulls a joint out of his pocket and places it in Peeta's hand. He claps him on the shoulder, but Peeta's face never lifts into a smile, the frown already present only deepening. Peeta downs his beer and heads inside. I watch as Finn's face falls for a second . When he turns and finds us staring his way he plasters the fakest smile he can muster upon his face and heads back to the beer pong table.

I try to swallow the lump in my throat. If Peeta wanted to talk to me he would have come to me.

_It doesn't matter. He's a good man. _She_ doesn't matter._

Annie's hand lands on my arm and squeezes. I try to bring myself back to our conversation.

"Oh, Yeah, Finn… he does," I tell her, "Finn's the best."

* * *

I am very tired and plenty drunk when I finally make my way up to Peeta's room. My head is spinning and my legs are wobbling with every step.

I just want to see his face.

It's been at least an hour since he went inside. Finn had eventually made his way back to me saying Peeta had a viscous headache brought on by the Glimmer and just wanted to lay down with a joint and chill. I wondered why he couldn't have just told me that himself. Maybe the little argument we had combined with his issue with Glimmer had put him over the edge. I don't know.

I need to see his face.

I find him at his easel savagely dragging his brush over the canvas. It is mostly blacks and blues and dark, deep reds. It's not easy to look at.

"You ok?" I ask tentatively running my hand down his back, "Finn said you had a headache."

I want to ask about Glimmer. The words are perched on my tongue, but I can't release them. I am too much of a coward.

"I'm ok now," he says tiredly. His features are drawn and his eyes rimmed in red. He pulls me close, fitting me snugly into his chest and breathes me in on a shaky breath. I feel like something is wrong. I _know_ something is wrong, but when he takes my head in his hands, his fingers tracing the lines of my ears and captures my lips with his, all coherent thought vanishes from my mind.

His kisses are different from all the others we have shared so far. Where before they were fueled by a fiery passion, these are filled with a quiet desperation.

He holds my head still as he presses deep, lingering kisses to my mouth, along my jaw and then gently on my eyelids. When he allows my head to list to the side, he gently sucks and nips at the sensitive skin beneath my ear sending shivers coursing through me. My knees go weak and something deep inside me tightens and begins to tremble as he bends and slips an arm behind my knees, the other around my back and carries me to the bed.

The room is bathed in soft moonlight when he turns his bedside lamp off. He tosses his shirt to the side and steps out of his jeans and boxer briefs. I sigh as he slowly pulls my jeans from my body, placing butterfly kisses all the way down each leg to my toes.

When I lay bare before him he gently settles himself between my legs, placing his length at the apex of my

thigh, his hand firmly traveling up and down my body. I am so absorbed in the feel of him so close to my entrance that I nearly miss the words he whispers into my ear.

"I love you, Katniss, you have to know that." I swear I feel a tear fall on my face before he places a lingering kiss to the same spot and moves his hand to my entrance. His fingers slide in easily; I am so ready for him. I am lost.

Peeta shifts himself just slightly so his length glides easily back and forth over my clit. The motion causing me to quiver and quake with every pass.

I strain my hips upward needing him inside me. Any nervousness I had felt before is long gone. He places a hand on my hip bone to keep me in place.

"No, Katniss, you will not be drunk the first time we make love." His voice is strained and hoarse with his own desire, but still he holds me firmly in place. I groan loudly as he slowly draws out the pleasure he's building inside of me, the need in me unbearable as he comes so close to slipping inside.

_Please. Oh, God, please._

"I want you to remember every moment, every stroke, every word…_everything_ about our first time." His words punctuate every stroke and when he kisses me fully on the mouth I feel like he is drawing my very soul through my mouth and into him.

"I love you, Katniss, please remember that, you _have _to remember that_."_

I arch my back, my nails scraping down his back as white lights explode behind my eyelids. My orgasm so hard and blinding I am left breathless. How does he do this to me? He isn't even inside me and yet he drives me to such complete ecstasy.

He shudders as I feel him tighten and jerk his hips as he spills himself on my stomach. His shoulders shake as his forehead falls between my breasts. He breathes heavily in and out before rolling me over so he is on his back and I am settled in my spot just below his shoulder.

I try to look up at him but his embrace tightens. That odd feeling of dread creeps back in when I feel his chest rise shakily beneath my head. I begin to speak, to ask what is wrong, but he hushes me.

He strokes my hair, lulling me into a fast sleep, holding me tight against him.

"Sleep, baby. Just sleep."

* * *

_The writing process can be so frustrating sometimes. It literally took me 4 days for any words to come for this chapter. I just couldn't start. There were no words. My muse had left me. Then, when the words finally did come, the story changed...as it always does. That part of the process I love...how a story j__ust morphs on you spontaneously.  
_

_One point I want to make is I'm totally embarrassed that I spent 5 chapters misspelling Johanna's name. LOL!  
_

_For everyone who wants them to actually have sex...they will. I just think Katniss had way to many issues to deal with in the last chapters and Peeta is too much of a gentleman to take advantage of someone completely drunk for it to happen in this chapter. Also, it really hasn't even been a week since they got together. Be patient. I'll make it worth it.  
_

_I'm also toying with the idea of giving Finn and Annie their own side story here in "Mine". Let me know your thoughts on that. Do you want me to keep it strictly K/P or have some fun with F/A too. Let me know!  
_

_Thank you so much for all your kind words. This chapter is the set up for some drama. I hope you enjoy it. _

_Please review and leave me your thoughts. I love everything you have to say.  
_

_Lastly, thank you, katnissinme! You're the best!  
_


	7. Chapter 7

Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it. Seriously, why put myself through this when I know it's going to end badly. This happens every stinking time. It's just not worth it.

There are knives in my eyes. I can feel the blades moving in and out, scraping my brain. I try to pry my eye open, slowly peeking through the slit I've created but am quickly blinded by the burning rays of the sun pouring through the skylight above me. Reflexively, I roll into a fetal position but the churn and burn I feel as the fermented contents of my stomach froth inside me propels me to my back again, my arm slamming over my eyes.

_Why, oh why, do I do this to myself?_

A deep ache starts to dig at my lower back and my neck burns. I hate sleeping on my back. If I turn to where I am most comfortable, my side, I will surely lose everything in my stomach. I opt for sprawling face first on the bed. I don't particularly like lying like this, but at least my stomach stays in one place and the bile doesn't swim up my throat.

"You're going to suffocate yourself like that."

_If only I were so lucky._

I mumble something unintelligible into the mattress, unable and unwilling to move. Peeta chuckles and brushes my hair off my bare neck and back. His fingers trail a feathery line down my spine before he places a gentle kiss on the back of my neck. I sigh.

"I've got some things to do. I'll see you later." I feel him smile against my ear.

"Don't die," he says laughing all the way out the door.

My head is fuzzy and muddled but I need to get to the bathroom. My bladder can wait no longer. The upward motion has daggers slicing through my temples and down the back of my neck. My limbs are heavy and numb.

_How many shots did I do last night?_

I try to bring the night back, but everything is blurry. I remember Peeta and I arguing about Gale. I remember Annie shooting down Finn. Delly? A tray…maybe two… of Jello shots, and…Glimmer?

_Fuck._

I can't think about that right now. What I want more than anything is to pull my head off my shoulders, stuff it in a drawer and then hide in a dark closet for about a year until this hangover stops. I don't even remember what day it is. Do I have class? Work?

Holy hell...what was I thinking?

When I finally stumble into the kitchen, Johanna barks out a loud laugh.

"You, my friend, were awesome last night!" She slaps me on the back nearly dislodging the contents of my stomach that I have been trying so hard to keep down.

"Damn it, Johanna, easy." I groan. "What the hell happened last night?"

"Not much, I just know you were in rare form after Glimmer showed up."

"Ah, so I didn't imagine that?"

"No, but I wouldn't worry about it…I heard you guys last night," she says wagging her eyebrows and winking at me. The perplexed look I give her makes her roll her eyes. "Seriously, girl, you need to drink more so you can learn to handle your liquor better. I think you're gonna want to remember that by what I heard."

I can feel my face flush, because I do remember. Mostly. I remember the agonizing way he slipped over me and the desperate need that consumed me. I remember the deep penetrating kisses and the heavy weight of his hand holding me in place. Most importantly I remember his words. I can _feel _his words whispering over me even now.

_I love you…you need to remember that._

He loves me.

I also remember the dread, seemingly permeating the very air we breathed. Pushing itself in.

"Why was she here?"

"I don't know. The boys left awhile ago like nothing was up." She sees the concern in my eyes and rubs my arm. "Hey, I'll gladly go with you to kick her ass, if you want, Kat, but you know you're going to have to deal with chicks like that all the time if you're going to be with him."

"I know…but I don't have to like it."

* * *

By the time I start feeling human enough to venture outside, I've already missed my classes for the day. After I poured about 5 bottles of water down my throat and inhaled a giant plate of fried eggs and bacon my stomach began to settle and I was able to free myself from the knives in my brain…mostly. My body still feels lethargic, but I need to hook up with Annie and get her notes from class before she has to work at the health center.

There is a light breeze in the air. The coolness washes over me and I can practically smell winter coming. The Panem campus is not a huge campus, but it is a beautiful one. The manicured lawns, tree lined roads and grandiose historic buildings give the campus a warm and welcoming feeling. I love it. It feels like home.

I find Annie just outside the Alma Coin Humanities building. The large oak doors creek open as students file out of the building. Her graceful figure flows down the steps and her face brightens when she sees me. She looks every bit the siren in her flowing maxi skirt, jean jacket and boots; her hair falls in waves around her head and shoulders. Annie carries a peacefulness that draws me to her. She always seems so calm and sure of herself. Like she's completely comfortable with who she is. She's open and friendly with a quick smile and welcoming aura. Sometimes I wonder if there is anything that would make her lose it. I suppose that's why I was so caught off guard with her reaction to Finn. It just seemed out of character.

"Well, you've seen better days," she says, smiling wryly at me.

"Ha, ha. How is it that you look so perfect after a night like last night?"

"I suppose it probably has something to do with the fact that I didn't single-handedly down a tray of shots by myself." She loops her arm through mine and we begin walking toward the student health center. Normally, I would feel uncomfortable being so close to someone that wasn't part of my core group of friends, but there is just something about Annie that sets my mind at ease. She's like an empath pulling out my negative emotions and redirecting them elsewhere.

"Did I really do that?"

"You were definitely trying to be a hero last night." I'm not sure if that was it exactly, more like trying to drown my nagging insecurities, but I'm still too hungover to protest. "And you played a mean game of beer pong, I'm sure Finnick doesn't look any better than you today…speaking of the devil…" she says pointing to the door of the health center where he stands with Delly.

"Huh, must be his month to test. Finn is nothing if not responsible." Seems weird he'd be there with Delly, though.

"Good to know he has some redeeming qualities," Annie quips snidely. Even in my still hazy state, her comment catches my ear. I really do not understand her nastiness regarding Finn.

I notice immediately when Finn sees us. His eyes go wide like saucers and he looks uneasily around like he's been caught with his hands in the cookie jar. He says something to Delly then plasters a smile on his face and bounds over to us, his long legs easily eating up the ground.

"Ladies! What brings you out on this fine fall day?" His perfect white teeth are sparkling in the late afternoon sun. His smile is so broad and other than the fact that he is slightly out of breath he seems and looks perfect. He doesn't look at all like we were up most of the night drinking and it pisses me off a little.

Maybe I do need to drink more so I won't be such a damn light weight.

"Delly, Finn?" I say looking around his shoulder. "Really? You really want to go there?" I shudder at the thought of her being around us even more than she already is.

"Ha!" he barks out, and pointedly tells me, "no, not my type at all." He gives Annie a long look and emphatically repeats "At. All." But she only looks away like the falling leaves are the most interesting thing she's ever seen.

Just then the glass door to the health center slams open and Peeta comes marching out with Glimmer following closely on his heels. We are quite a distance from them, but I can tell they are having a very heated discussion. His face is red with anger and his hands are flying in different directions. He even stomps his feet, pointing to the floors above him. She just stands there perfectly dressed in a little Lilly Pulitzer pink dress that shows her ample cleavage perfectly, twirling her luxurious blond hair around her finger and occasionally saying something that further pisses Peeta off.

My stomach clenches and I know all the color has drained from my face.

"What the hell is going on, Finn?" I barely squeak out, my voice catching on the words.

Finn lets out a defeated sigh and mumbles "fuck" under his breath.

"Glimmer has been hounding Peeta for a few weeks now. Ever since he stopped seeing her she's been texting and calling him non-stop….showing up at places…you know, like last night." His hands move into his hair and I am surprised to see his hands shaking. He's nervous. "She's not taking no for an answer and when she found out about you…well, it's not been good. Peeta's a little freaked out right now."

"What? She's stalking him?" I say, the shock evident in my tone.

"I guess, kind of…" he pauses, choosing his words carefully. "I just wouldn't put it past her at this point to make shit up." He looks at me squarely in the eye when he says that. I feel like he's silently trying to tell me something else, also, but I'm just too hungover, tired and now angry to think straight.

I'm about to yell at him for being so cryptic when my phone dings in my pocket. It's a text from Gale.

_Need to talk to you. Meet me at Haymitch's, asap._

"Now what? Damn it…I have to go." I turn to Annie to ask her about her notes and I find her intently studying Finn. She seems oddly perplexed, but her demeanor has noticeably softened toward him.

Finn, however, is shifting awkwardly on his feet. He's not paying attention to anything but me and the argument going on across the quad.

I can't deal with this right now. My head is starting to throb again and my stomach is making waves.

I get the notes from Annie and leave the two of them behind, my mind furiously trying to make sense of everything the past few days have thrown at me.

* * *

Haymitch smirks and raises an eyebrow at me when I enter the bar. He points a shaking finger to the back room where I hear whoops of laughter. I rub my temples trying to ease the throbbing the loud, incessant music is causing.

"Here," he says placing a shot of whiskey on the bar in front of him. My lip curls. He only laughs and says, "hair of the dog and all that, sweetheart. Trust me. I know of which I speak."

I don't know why I'm taking the advice of an obvious alcoholic, but I down the whiskey as quickly as possible anyway. The amber liquid burns like battery acid down my throat.

"Brrrrr," I shiver. "Holy hell, that's nasty shit."

He howls in laughter as I make my way to Gale.

The atmosphere in the dimly lit room is charged with energy. The guys from the band and a few others are milling around the room, playing pool and talking, sometimes shouting happily to one and other. I see Gale leaning against a bar height table talking animatedly to his drummer, Cato. When he catches my eye he lifts his chin in greeting and a huge smile blankets his face. He walks to me, his heavy black boots pounding and his belt chains jingling with every step. He must have been here drinking for awhile, because Gale rarely makes a sound when he walks.

"Catnip!" He places his drink on a table and takes me in his arms, swinging me around in a big circle. When he puts me down, my head doesn't stop spinning and I have to hold on to his shoulders to stabilize myself. His happiness is infectious, though, and I find myself smiling just as brightly as he is.

"What in the world is going on, Gale?"

"Oh, I've got _great_ news, Catnip!" He downs the rest of his beer. He's definitely three sheets to the wind already.

"You'll never guess." He leads me out to Haymitch to get another round. "Catching Fire is literally catching fire!" I look at him quizzically, not sure what he's talking about.

"Our song, Catnip!" he shouts. "It went viral! An A&R guy from Capitol Records called this morning! Capitol! He wants us to come in to record it…for real! This is it, Catnip! This could be our shot…the BIG time!" My eyes go wide and I am instantly filled with excitement for him. This is all he's ever wanted - to escape his mediocre life so he can live life on his own terms.

"That is awesome, Gale! I'm so happy for you!" I say taking him in my arms for a tight hug.

"Not just me, Catnip," he says holding me away from him so he can see my eyes. "Us! You and me. This is _our_ song!" My stomach drops a little and I take the shot Haymitch just placed in front of me and swallow it, not even tasting it as it coats my throat, I'm in so much shock.

I shake my head in disbelief. This has always been his dream, not mine. I just did it for him…for fun. The thought of singing in front of hundreds of people or my voice on the radio makes me apprehensive and sick to my stomach at best.

"I…I can't do that, Gale." His face falls, disappointment written all over it.

"What do you mean? Of course you can. It's our song. I wrote it for you…hell, I write every song for you." He runs a gentle finger under my chin and lifts it so I'll look at him. "Please. For me," he pleads, his eyes soft and beseeching.

"Gale, you know how I am about singing in front of people…I hate it, I don't know if I can handle it."

"We'll do it together, Catnip. I'll be there every step of the way. It will be like it was." I blanch. How it was wasn't remotely good. He sees the change in my face, but misreads it.

"Is he why you don't want to do the record? Peeta wouldn't like it, would he, and you know it."

"That's not what I said, Gale."

"You know I saw them last night, Peeta and Glimmer. I know how guys are and I know how you are." He lays a hand on my shoulder but I shake it off.

"Just because _you're _a guy like that, doesn't mean he is. You know nothing about Peeta," I bite out, anger curling through me again.

"Oh, I know plenty. I've been thinking…you give it up yet? You never told me the other day." My hand tightens into a fist. I want to punch him.

"That is none of your fucking business," I say through my teeth. He only laughs arrogantly and brushes me off.

"That's what I thought. You would have gladly thrown that in my face if you had…or he would have, considering the looks he's been giving me…_is _giving me…" he says motioning to where Peeta has just come in the door, staring daggers into Gale. "I'm just saying, Catnip, if you think you can keep a guy like that…if you think he's any different, you're kidding yourself."

My fist collides with his face in a violent crack and he stumbles back into a table laden with beer causing the bottles to crash to the floor. I fucking hate drunk Gale.

_Fuck, that hurt._

There is a loud chorus of "whoa", a few gasps and more than a few claps. Peeta is at my side immediately. He picks me up by the waist and carries me over to the bar before I pounce on Gale again.

"You're a fucking asshole, Gale Hawthorne!" I yell across the bar.

"Nice hit, sweetheart," Haymitch says as he sets a bag of ice for my throbbing hand on the bar.

"What the fuck did he say to you?" Peeta snarls.

"Nothing. It doesn't matter. Fuck, my hand hurts." He examines my throbbing hand, turning it over and pressing on my knuckles, pulling my fingers. I am trying really hard not to cry, but I can feel the tears prickle my eyes.

"I don't think it's broken, but it's going to be sore for a few days." He kisses my hand. "That was one hell of a shot, Kat, remind me not to piss you off." I let out a tight laugh even though my hand feels like it's on fire.

* * *

We leave my car at the bar so I can keep the ice on my aching hand. I'm quiet the whole ride, my mind replaying the words Gale said to me like a skipping record. Pictures of Peeta and Glimmer floating through my mind make my stomach wind itself into tight knots. I can't get the thought of them tangled in sheets out of my head. Her perfect, curvy body moving on top of his.

I want to be sick.

I don't know how to stop the visuals. I'm so deeply lost in these distressing pictures that I hardly even notice we are home and he is kneeling before me checking my hand again and saying something to me.

"What?" I mumble flexing my hand. This day is rapidly becoming one of the top five worst days of my life.

"I said, I think I've got some Vicodin somewhere, do you want one?"

"Maybe later. It'll just make me sleep, and I really don't want to sleep right now."

Before I even know what I'm saying, the words tumble out of my mouth, "Peeta, what the fuck is going on with you and Glimmer?" He looks at me stunned and nervously scrubs his hands over his face.

"Finn told me you saw us at the health center."

"And? What the fuck is going on? Twice now I've seen you with her, and I have to tell you, it's killing me. So many awful thoughts are in my head that I just can't get rid of. I need to know what's going on. It's making me sick." My eyes are pleading and my stomach feels heavy. I want to puke.

_Do I really want to know this?_

He turns from me and begins pacing the room, his hand, predictably, running through his hair.

"I really didn't want to say anything until I knew what was going on myself, Kat. I still don't know anything concrete. She's acting like a fucking psycho. I wasn't keeping anything from you, I swear."

"It doesn't feel like that, Peeta. It really doesn't." I drop my head in my hand and wince as pain radiates up my arm. He notices my pain and kneels in front of me again, kissing my knuckles. "Is it bad?" I ask.

"Possibly. Probably not. Finn and I both think she's lying - thus the reason she's being so mysterious."

"Just tell me."

_Oh God, I really don't know if I want to hear this._

He puffs out a breath and places his hands on his thighs, rubbing them over the fabric of his jeans. He hangs his head before gathering himself and turning his face to me.

"She says she's pregnant."

Oh God, I really am going to throw up. I feel like all the air was just sucked out of the room.

"But, like I said, I just don't think she's telling the truth.," he adds quickly. "She's been hounding me for weeks now and then I finally tell her to get lost, that I'm with you and she dumps this on me…and we _always, always_ used protection. Always."

"What happened today, at the health center." I can't look at him. My eyes transfixed on the floor beside him.

"I wanted her to get tested, to know for sure. But she wouldn't go in. Kept guilting me, telling me I just didn't want her baby…bullshit like that. She's fucking toying with me, Kat. I know she is." His blue eyes are full of sorrow, pleading with me to believe him. To not leave him.

I slide myself into his lap and wrap my arms around him, sinking into his chest. How can this be happening? We just started being together and already it's going to hell. I want to cry. I want to break my other hand. I want to kill Glimmer.

Most importantly, I don't want to lose him. I won't let him go without a fight.

"Peeta, what are we going to do?" A tear rolls down my cheek. He catches it with his thumb.

"We?" He cocks his head to look at me, his eyes filling with hope. I nod and let my fingers wander his abs, drawing little circles around the waist of his jeans. I let the rest of my fingers sneak down between his legs as I lean in close to his ear.

"Did you mean it?" I ask in a barely audible voice.

"What?" He breathes out.

"You love me?"

He smiles at me shyly, a wisp of blond hair falling into his cerulean eyes.

"Yes," he says then kisses me softly on my lips, "but I didn't think you'd remember."

"Kinda hard to forget something like that." I playfully hit his chest with my hand, forgetting I smashed it on Gales face and wince in pain. Again, he takes my fingers and brings them to his mouth for a tender kiss.

"Maybe we should talk about this," he says holding my hand in front of my face.

"Don't really want to do that." I say sullenly. "Hasn't this day been bad enough already?"

"Katniss, you punched Gale…in the face." He sits down on the floor with me still in his lap. I lay my head on his chest. I don't want to do this now, but I don't think he's going to let it go.

I gather my courage and mumble into his chest, "I'm…he just knows all the buttons to push, Peeta."

"What buttons, Kat," he says as he strokes my back.

"He's playing on my insecurities." He nods, imploring me to continue.

"You want me, right?"

"Of course I do. You know I do."

"Well, I'm afraid that if we don't do it, you'll find someone who will, but I'm also afraid that once we do it, I'll disappoint you and you'll realize it's just me, plain old me and you won't want me anymore…you'll want someone…else…someone prettier, sexier with bigger tits and um, stuff," I say quickly and quietly. My cheeks are hot. He lifts my chin so I'm looking him in the eye. He doesn't waver from my gaze.

"Not possible." He leans his head to the side in concern. "Katniss, I can't wait to be with you, but I told you I'd wait as long as you need and I can guarantee that you will never disappoint me…ever…It will _always_ be you, no matter what." He looks me solidly in the eyes, willing me to understand. "It's only ever _been_ you."

He always know exactly what to say and how to say it to make me feel better. Even with everything hanging over our heads, I just want him so much and I tell him so the only way I know how. I lean in and give him the deepest kiss I can muster.

"I'm ready," I whisper. I need this. I need to feel close to him. I need to know he is mine.

His lips are soft and pliable under mine. I want to show him how deeply I care about him. Show him how beautiful he makes me feel. I want him to feel how loved he makes me feel.

I let my greedy mouth savor his lips and neck as they drag over his skin. He tastes salty and a little tangy from being outside. I feel him surround me and easily lift me straight from our place on the floor and carry me to the bed.

"I love how strong you are," I tell him tugging at the hem of his shirt, so very eager for him. He sets me gently on the bed and tosses his shirt over his head. My hands travel over him as I try to remember everything from this moment. To somehow keep this memory sealed inside my head forever.

I shudder as he pulls my shirt over my head, his eyes reverently moving over me. Strong, calloused hands feel their way over the curves and valleys of my body. My skin is hot and damp as a tidal wave of need consumes me. He has me naked in seconds and I wonder how I ever lived without this.

A low, animal sound escapes him when he settles himself between my legs and takes his first taste of me. The shock of it screams through me and I let out a low, guttural moan of sheer delight. My thighs quake as he moves his tongue over my most sensitive areas.

I am writhing under him as he greedily laps me up like a kitten at a bowl of milk. My hips buck as the pleasure grows too hard to bear. He holds me in place, his hands like vices on my thighs and hips. When he slides one, then two fingers in me, my hands fall to the comforter , bunching it in the fingers of my good hand, holding on for dear life, for surely I am going to fly away at any moment. I am shuddering and arching under his skillful mouth, ready to break apart at any moment from the sheer intensity of feeling.

"Come for me, baby," he murmurs against me, still licking and teasing.

And, I do. Wave after wave of sheer pleasure rips through me and I loudly cry out in ecstasy.

He licks his lips hungrily as he fumbles with the button on his jeans and stumbles when he kicks them away. He makes for his night stand for a condom, but I stop him. "I've got it covered."

His eyes darken and are dizzy with desire. I lean up as he struggles with his boxer briefs and wrap myself around him, pushing his briefs down over him.

"God, I love your body," I say as I lick long lines down and around his torso. He groans in pleasure.

My vision wavers as he pushes me back down on the bed.

"I have to be inside you, right now," he growls harshly, his body frantic with need. The feral look in his eyes sets me on fire with desire and I pull his hips to me.

"Please, Peeta, hurry."

He doesn't hesitate and drives himself into me in one hard stroke, tearing through whatever little there is left of my innocence. He freezes immediately. His face awash with a wave of different emotions. Disbelief, shock, horror, then pure love. Pure, unadulterated love.

"Shit, Katniss. Fuck." He squeezes his eyes shut, the muscles of his arms quivering as he tries to gain some control over himself. I move my hips and he hisses. "Don't move…I didn't know…I thought…I mean, I assumed… Don't move, I don't want to hurt you, just…I need a minute…for the love of God, don't move."

I feel myself relax around him, adjusting to the size of him and get used to the odd feeling of being filled so completely. Slowly, some of the tension eases from his body and he begins to move ever so slowly inside of me. My body stretches and gives in to him and it feels glorious. Simply glorious.

His hands skim over my body and he leans close to my ear whispering sweet nonsense to me. Lovingly, he peppers my face and neck with sweet, sultry kisses. I moan deeply when his mouth closes over my breast and he sucks gently, drawing even more pleasure from deep within me.

His pace quickens as the need in him grows. I watch as his blue eyes deepen with desperation and he begins to build to his own release. His muscles are dancing under his skin, driving me insane. He eases himself up a little so he can reach a hand between us. As soon as his nimble thumb finds my bundle of nerves I come undone beneath him. I cry out desperately as colors explode in my eyes. We are shivering and shaking as we fall over the edge together.

I never dreamed such pleasure was possible.

"Is it always like that?" I ask, panting and trying to catch my breath while he lays on top of me, spent, but careful not to smother me. But the weight of him is not at all suffocating. Instead, it makes me feel safe and warm.

"No, it's not…not at all. I have _never _felt anything like that. You destroyed me, Katniss."

He lifts his head, brushing away the sweaty stands of hair that are stuck to my face. With the bluest, dreamiest eyes I have ever seen, he looks me over with awe.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He says softly, his thumb stroking over my lips and down my neck, "I wouldn't have been so rough…so careless."

"I don't know. I didn't want you to not…you know…it's just embarrassing, Peeta." I all of a sudden feel intensely shy and I want to hide my eyes. He nuzzles my cheek with his nose.

"Hey, look at me." When I do he is smiling brightly. His eyes dancing.

"Katniss, I love you so much…so damn much…there is no way I deserve you."

* * *

_I just want to give each and every one of you who have left reviews for me a huge, huge thank you. It makes me want to write better, longer and faster. I love it._

_Many of you were very concerned with where this story is heading. I assure you I am a big fan of HEAs._

_I hope you are happy with this chapter. It was fun to write. You asked for it…Did I make it worth it? A part of me still feels like I rushed their coupling, but, just like Katniss, I couldn't wait any longer...so, it's out there now…_

_Please review! I need to know how you feel, plus, it lets me know you're reading and I'm not wasting my time!_

_Lastly, Katnissinme, thank you. I feel much better about it now._


	8. Chapter 8

I am awakened by his feathery touch traveling the curves of my body. I am on my side facing away from him with my top hand resting on a pillow beside me, the pain diminished from the Vicodin, but still present. His naked body is curled tightly around me and I can feel him hard and long against my back. Pushing the blanket down, he leaves us exposed to the chilled morning air flowing through the window at the far end of the room. I hardly notice because his fingers are leaving a trail of fire as they slide over my skin, coaxing me awake.

Goose bumps explode over my flesh as he licks a sultry line from my shoulder to my ear. "Wake up, beautiful," he whispers seductively into my ear. I stretch under his skillful hands coming alive with each stroke. His hand travels down my top leg, encircling my thigh. I feel so small and delicate beneath his large hands. He bends my leg up so I am exposed to him. His groan vibrates through me when his long fingers find me ready for him. Slowly and gently he eases himself into me. With each achingly slow stroke his emotions pour into me, filling me with everything he has. I feel loved and cherished and I know I will go to the ends of the earth for this man.

Sated and spent, we lay with the covers around our hips facing each other, the air thick with our lovemaking. I draw circles through the hair on his chest. It's quiet, just the sound of our breathing fills the air. A subtle nervousness prickles my skin.

"I didn't think this was possible," he says quietly still brushing his fingers over my skin like he's trying to convince himself I'm still here. "I thought you'd leave me for sure, or we'd have a huge fight, hell, after yesterday, I half expected you to punch me," he tries to laugh, but it just comes out sounding flat and pained.

" I won't lie, the thought did cross my mind, but my hand already hurt too much," I say trying to ease some of the tension I feel emanating from him, but I know my voice is tight and weak. We are facing something huge and life changing, and rather than face it last night, we used our bodies to avoid the issue at hand. A part of me felt so needy and desperate and I just had to know he was mine. I had to make him feel that. To make him know I couldn't let him go.

"Do you regret it?" His voice is barely above a whisper, like he would choke on the words if he said them any louder. He rests his large hand on the side of my face, fingers smoothing the loose strands of hair behind my ears.

"No," I say without hesitation. I don't regret it. I may have been impulsive and careless, but damn it, I love him and I needed to show him that. Even if I can't say it now, I need him to know we are in this together and nothing can change that.

His arms tighten around me. "I don't know how to make this right, Katniss. I may have royally fucked up here and I am terrified I won't be able to fix this if she isn't lying. I don't know what to do." He presses his forehead to my hairline, his hot breath making my skin tingle.

"We'll figure it out," I tell him, looking up into his sad, miserable eyes. "Together, Peeta." I rest my hand on the side of his face, my eyes willing him to understand the depth of my commitment. "_We _will get to the bottom of this and if the outcome isn't what we want…well, we'll deal with that, too. But right now we concentrate on finding the truth."

Some of the tension leaves him and he places a lingering kiss to my forehead. "OK," he says on a breath and he squeezes his eyes shut, his head falling back on the pillow.

"I mean, you did say you always used a condom, right?" I whisper, even though I know condoms aren't 100%.

He nods. "Plus, all those girls over there are on the pill." When I roll my eyes he swallows hard. "Um, Delly told me that when I asked…Anyway, yes we _always_, without exception, used a condom…and I would have noticed if one had broken…" I don't say anything and look away from his face. I don't want to think about how many times 'always' is. He notices my abrupt silence.

"Speaking of condoms…" He nuzzles my hair to get closer to my ear and whispers, "last night was the first time I've ever been without one. It felt amazing. Thank you for trusting me with that."

My face flushes at his words. "Well, I know you and Finn get tested all the time..." I let my words taper off. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable thinking about _why_ they feel the need to get tested all the time.

"Everyone always makes it sound like there are tons of girls…there aren't, we're not _that_ bad, it's just rumor. If we'd slept with as many girls as everyone says, we'd never have even gotten out of bed. Seriously, it's rumor." He pauses to catch my eye to make sure I'm listening. "It doesn't matter now anyway, that's over now. There's only you." I sigh when he kisses me fully on the mouth and his hands travel down again when the door bursts open.

"Guys! I've got a plan," Finn announces regally as Peeta scrambles to pull the blanket over our naked bodies and I slink down in the bed.

"Finn! What the hell!" We shout in unison.

"Jeez, settle down you two. It's not like I haven't seen it already anyway." He lets out a loud guffaw before continuing. "Katniss, darling, it's not going to help any slinking down in the bed. I'm just going to assume you're down there blowing him while I'm trying to tell you my plan." He says wryly.

Peeta seems to have found some humor in the situation and is laughing loudly. I, on the other hand, am absolutely mortified and a fist to the stomach tells Peeta just how funny I think the situation is.

He bites his lip to stop, but his bubbling laughter seeps through anyway. "Finn, you're embarrassing her. Just wait outside while we get some clothes on, ok."

I peek my head out from under the covers. Finn catches my eyes and wags his eyebrows at me, "Come on, Kat, you sure you don't want to play with both of us...I've got time…we can hatch my plan later."

"Finn…that's enough," Peeta growls, but a grin still plays across his face.

I let the thought of them both naked and at my service fill my mind and a sly smile slides over my features. I watch Peeta's face fall as all the humor drains from him. I smirk.

"Go Finn," he says, his voice hard and flat. Finn turns and leaves immediately sensing the change in the atmosphere.

I slide from the bed and pull on a little pair of shorts and a tank top, humming to myself. Peeta is quiet as he pulls his jeans over his hips. He watches me with flaming eyes as he tries to discern how serious I am. I think I've rendered him speechless.

"Serves you right for teasing me," I say and I see him release the breath he's been holding. "You're cute when you're all dominate and possessive." I kiss him quickly on the nose and give him a playful shove but he catches my arm and hurls me onto the bed, rolling over me and pinning my hands above my head. His eyes are dark and carnal.

"You. Are. Mine."

Those simple words shoot straight to my core. Desire explodes in me as he swoops down and kisses me with blinding intensity. I struggle to free my hands needing to touch him, to feel him…to get him undressed again but he won't let me go and it feels magnificent.

"Seriously, guys," Finn whines as he comes in the room again, "it already smells enough like sex in here…I want to tell you my plan."

"Finn, so help me God, if you don't leave right now…." Peeta draws in a breath, "you are so lucky you are my best friend or I'd murder you where you stand and bury you like Hoffa…OUT!"

We really need to remember to lock the door.

* * *

Finn's plan evidently includes Annie, whom I find waiting patiently for us in the kitchen.

"Finally!" Finn says with exasperation. "Really guys, I know you just started doing it and everything, but we have got things to do and people to take down!" He greedily rubs his hands together, the thought of putting Glimmer in her place making him giddy.

"Finn, I will be happy to complete the break in my hand by smashing it into your face," I say as I pull out the chair next to Annie at the table.

"Oh, I heard about that," he lets out a clap of laughter, "you were the talk of the bar last night. Gale's got a pretty good shiner to show for it, too."

"Good, serves the bastard right," Peeta says placing a steaming cup of tea in front of me. He pulls his chair closer to me and wraps his arm around my shoulders. The light above the table makes a halo over his head and I have to smile at the ridiculousness of it all.

"I told you I could handle him," I say smugly.

"And handle him you did. I wish I'd been there," Finn pouts. "Now you just need to do the same for Glimmer…no, no, no, like I said, I've got a plan! Annie and I are going to play secret agents for a little while." He winks at her and she rolls her eyes. I swear Finn can make a game out of anything, even something as life-altering as this.

"Come on, Finn, let's hear it."

Annie is quietly taking in our repartee, her eyes moving between us like she's watching a tennis match. She takes my swelling hand in hers and examines it.

"You need to get that looked at, Katniss," Annie says laying my hand gently on the table. "I'll take you over when we're done here, ok?" I nod my head. Maybe I'll at least be able to get some good pills to take the edge off. Vicodin makes me too sleepy.

The master plan really doesn't involve me since my presence seems to only further ignite the wrath in Glimmer. So really, my part in the plan is to stay away from Glimmer. Which couldn't suit me more. I've got enough on my plate with a major paper due in my Ancient Mythology class, not to mention work and the training I need to start for the Thanksgiving marathon I'm signed up for.

And then there's Gale. My stomach drops at the thought of him. What am I going to do about him and the record? I don't want to do it. I don't want to have my voice on a record because once it's there and it gets any type of attention they're going to want me on stage at all their shows. It's too much. I don't have time to travel. I don't want to travel with Gale. And then there are the crowds. I know he already plays some pretty decent sized shows when he's out of town. Shows with crowds that are way bigger than those I sing in front of at Haymitch's. I have no desire to be the center of attention. No desire at all. I just don't want any part of it, but I really don't feel like I have a choice. That song was written for my voice. If I don't do it, who will?

And, of course, I haven't even told Peeta the whole truth yet. That conversation is not going to end well and I dread it with every fiber in my being.

I am lost in thought when Peeta lays a hand on mine and squeezes. "You ok?" he asks. "You're staring at your tea." I look down and notice it's gone cold under my hands. Standing, he takes it from me to warm up in the microwave and brings me a muffin from the basket on the counter to go with it. "Eat," he says softly before returning to the conversation at hand.

I pick at the muffin, not hungry at all. How can I eat when my stomach is already filled with lead? I need to run. Running is the only thing that helps me cope when life throws me curve balls.

I stand abruptly, my chair scraping the floor, sending a loud screeching sound echoing in the room. All three heads turn to me, yanked out of their conversation.

"Babe?" Peeta says with concern in his eyes. He stands also and moves toward me. "Seriously, are you ok, you look a little peaked. You need to eat." He rubs his hand down my arm, his eyes searching my face.

"I need to change so I can go running…you, um, don't need me for this plan…I'll be down in a minute." I quickly turn and run up the stairs. I pull out my black lycra running shorts, a green top and sports bra and change my clothes, relishing the moment when I can finally hit the streets. I'm knotting the laces of my Asics when Finn opens the door.

"You really need to learn to knock, Finn," I say blandly. He sits on the bed next to me, the mattress sinking with his weight.

"Everything is going to be ok, Kat." He nudges my shoulder with his.

"I know." I sigh. He wraps his muscular arm around my shoulder and pulls me to him. It took me a long time to get used to Finn's affectionate, touch-feely ways, but I cherish it now. He makes me feel so much better with just a simple embrace. He's warm and sincere and I really couldn't ask for a better friend.

"He loves you, but more importantly, he needs you. This is tearing him up inside."

"I know Finn…and I know it's not his fault…well, it is…but it's a mistake…this kind of thing happens all the time." I sound like I'm trying to convince myself.

"I still don't think it's real. I truly believe she's making it up. She was acting too weird and psychotic, even before she found out about you and then she springs this little gem…I just don't buy it. She won't get a paternity test and we know she was with a bunch of guys at the same time as Peeta, too. It was one of the reasons he broke it off with her." I didn't know that. That makes me feel a little better. Lowers the odds a bit.

"Peeta is a good guy and she knows it, Katniss. She's playing him. That's all there is to it and I'm going to prove it." He takes my arms and pushes me away a little so he can look into my eyes. "He'd do anything for you, you know. I'm pretty sure he thinks you hung the moon." He smiles adoringly at me.

"I know, Finn." I rub my fingers on my temple. I can feel a headache forming. "I know, and I wouldn't have slept… gah…you know…last night, if I didn't know that."

"You can say it, Kat, I'm a big boy, I know you guys are having s-e-x." He whispers each letter as he spells the word. I know he's teasing me but my face is still red hot. He laughs. "You're too easy, Kat. Come on, I need to see what that sexy little friend of yours is thinking about our little plan." He takes my hand and leads me back to the kitchen where Peeta and Annie are talking softly. They stop abruptly when we enter.

"This is all going to work out. Finnick has a good plan," she says as she affectionately rubs her hand down Peeta's arm. Apparently, my charming boyfriend has made a good impression on her even though Finn has failed miserably. She retrieves her bag from the island counter and glances at Finn. "I'll give you a call when I figure out the schedule tonight, Finnick."

"I look forward to it," he says suavely. She rolls her eyes, but a slight smile graces her lips.

I step toward Peeta and he opens his arms for me and gives me a long kiss. "I love you," he whispers.

"Ok, come on, let's get that hand checked out, Kat." She's already half way out the door by the time I unwind myself from Peeta's warm embrace.

"Ugh, I think I'm in love," Finn whispers wistfully after her.

* * *

My hand is not broken, but they wrapped it pretty tightly when I told them I'd be running at least 8 miles when I left to ease the jostling. It helped. The Rx they gave me will help even more. I just hope it doesn't make me itchy like most narcotics seem to. It's amazing how easily doctors will hand out pain killers these days.

I am tired and drenched with sweat when I make it back to the house. My legs are beginning to cramp and my stomach is woozy. I forgot to eat. I had a power bar in my pack and inhaled that at about mile 4, but it wasn't enough. I know better. I'm not at all sure how I made it that far. I guzzle a bottle of water and head for the shower after spending awhile stretching my sore and aching muscles.

The house is quiet and I am thankful for a little peace. I've had enough of people for the moment. The hot water relaxes me somewhat. I let the water run over me and even take gulps of the steamy, hot water. It makes me cringe, but I'm craving it. I guess I didn't drink enough either.

I towel off and throw on a pair of shorts, bra and pull on my robe. The image of Peeta's possessive eyes flash in my mind. I really do find that domineering trait of his to be incredibly sexy.

I'm finishing with my hair and singing the Pat Benatar song Gale told me about when there is a soft knock on my door and he steps through, his eye slightly black and blue. Pretty much the same color as my hand. His head is hanging low and I can tell he is sorry for the things he said to me.

"Sounds nice, Catnip." He says softly, leaning heavily on the doorframe. I want to be mad at him. I want to hate him for all the petty fights and nasty words we've had lately, but my resolve waivers when he lifts his diamond eyes to mine and I can see the remorse written in his stare. "You always did pack a good punch." He smiles slightly and I know he's remembering the same thing I am. I was 8 when he told Jaime Jones I wanted to kiss him. I decked him the same way I did in the bar - with every ounce of strength and anger in me. I left him with a black eye that time, too. It's always about a boy with him, I guess.

"I guess we always did know how to fight," he mumbles when I remain silent.

"That's the problem, Gale, we're too much alike. We know all the right buttons to push and we're not shy about hurting the other. There's too much combustion between us." I flop myself back on my bed, tired and exhausted. My mind is a little fuzzy and my stomach is growling angrily at me. I need food.

"I like the fire, Catnip, it's what makes us so good together."

"No, Gale. It doesn't. It hurts." I'm so tired of this song and dance.

He hangs his head in defeat and moves closer to where I am on the bed. I sit up immediately and tuck my legs under myself.

"I just hate seeing you with him. It kills me."

"Gale," I groan.

"You belong with me." His eyes are fierce now, willing me to see his point.

"You're the reason we're not together, Gale. You! You did this, not me. I loved you and you threw us away!" I am exhausted. I am so fucking sick of this argument. I wish he would just let me go. Let me move on.

The tears come violently. Big, turbulent tears. They are not tears for a lost love or a lost boyfriend, but tears for a lost childhood. For a lost friendship.

He kneels on the floor in front of me and takes my battered hand in his, moving it to his lips. I try to pull it away, but he is yanked from me and thrown into the wall by Peeta.

Gale has 4 inches and about 25 pounds on Peeta, but he tosses him like he weighs nothing. Before I can even process what is happening Peeta has him on the ground and is pummeling him, sending fist after fist into his face. Gale is too stunned to react. I scream for them to stop and I hear Finn and Thresh thunder down the hall when they hear the commotion and then pull Peeta forcefully off Gale.

"You will stay away from her," Peeta roars at Gale. "You hurt her again and I will kill you!"

Gale is sitting hunched over on the floor and I see blood pouring down his face. I wipe the tears from my eyes and go to him so I can check his face. I wipe the blood gently away with my towel. Peeta shrugs Finn and Thresh off him and hit's the wall, leaving the plaster broken and crumbling.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," he growls and lopes up the stairs to his room.

Gale smirks at me as Peeta disappears. I want to rip that smirk right off his face.

_I can't win._

Will I ever master the balance between the two of them?

I sprint up the stairs after Peeta leaving a battered Gale behind for Finn and Thresh to take care of however they wish.

"I'm sorry, Peeta, I wasn't thinking." I say from the doorway. He is sitting on the end of the bed with his head in his hands. His hair is rimmed with sweat, his shirt straining over the muscles in his back. Angry red cuts line his knuckles and seemingly wink at him as he flexes his hand over and over.

"How many times are you going to let him do this to you, Katniss? How many fucking times is he going to make you cry before you say enough is enough?" His voice is tired and weary.

"It wasn't like that, Peeta, he was apologizing."

"And that made you cry?" he scoffs. "Keep lying to yourself, Katniss, because you can't lie to me." He stands up and moves to his easel. He picks up the black and blue canvas he painted the night of the party and smashes it over his knee, breaking the wood and ripping it in half.

"I am so fucking sick of this! He is always here!" He throws the broken canvas in the corner and turns to me, his eyes full of ire. "Don't you see? He's always going to come between us unless you do something about it. You can't keep holding on to the past. You have to let him go if this," he waves his hands between us, "is going to work. You have to…don't you understand? Don't let him destroy us."

I gasp at him.

"What are you saying, Peeta? Are you giving me an ultimatum? After everything?"

"Katniss, the worst part is, you don't even see that he does it on purpose!"

"Like Glimmer isn't purposefully between us? You may be having a kid with someone else, Peeta! My past isn't the only one between us!" I am angry now and I want to strike back. It's in my nature to hurt when I feel cornered.

"At least you don't have to live with my past!"

"And what's going to happen when your past leaves a baby sleeping between us?" The words are out before I can stop them. Pain contorts his face.

I sink down onto the bed. Between Gale and Peeta I feel like I'm being drawn and quartered. I am the rope in their little game of tug-o-war. My heart hurts and I feel like I am being ripped apart at the seams. Hot tears fall from my eyes as silence falls over his room like a shroud. The bed dips as he lies on his back behind me. We do not touch. We do not speak. Too many words have been spoken already.

I curl up into a tight ball and begin to weep. I can not stop the deluge of tears. I am broken and fearful that we are always going to have this albatross around our necks.

I feel him roll to his side and pull me into the safety of his body. "Don't cry, baby," he whispers, "please don't cry. I'm sorry."

I turn into him and uncurl my body, fitting myself against him. I am emotionally drained. If I could crawl inside of him I would. Instead, I snake my hand up his t-shirt and ease it over his head. He unties my robe, parts it and slides the straps of my bra down to cup my breasts in his hand. His hands are soft and soothing. When his lips meet mine there is no urgency or desperation. No fire or out-of-control passion. Just an agonizing need to heal and be healed. I surrender to the feel of his hands. My body slackens like melted wax beneath him. He's so gentle and tender I tremble with want.

A soft pelting of rain can be heard on the skylights and on the open windowsill. The smell of ozone is strong as it wafts in on the breeze. The low rumble of thunder shaking around us brings flashes of lightning that dance on the walls. It mirrors the tempest of emotion I feel welling up between us. Emotions we have been riding all along and are now crashing around us.

His mouth never leaves mine. We are connected from our entwined legs all the way to our tightly clasped hands. When he slides into me I gasp at the enormity of it all. At how our passionately charged emotions from just moments ago can be contracted and bound into such an intense and deeply moving moment. Our souls knitting together, stitch by delicate stitch.

Tears break from my eyes as I ride out this wave of intensity and as he moves inside me the tears stream down my face at the unfairness of it all.

* * *

_Please leave feedback. I'm drained and wrecked from writing this chapter._


	9. Chapter 9

Annie calls as I'm putting the finishing touches on my Mythology paper a few days later. I'm tucked away in my favorite part of the university library on the third floor. It's a little alcove in the very back behind the bound periodicals. There are times when I won't see anyone for hours at a time. The table is long, solid and sturdy. The hard, thick edges are worn from years of use. The ample space provides plenty of room to spread my books all over the table and not worry that someone else will want to sit with me. I have never even told my friends about this little piece of academic paradise. For a bibliophile such as myself, this spot is my own personal heaven.

I can spend hours happily ensconced here with the musty, almost vanilla smell of old books lingering in the stale air. Stacks of books always surround me like old friends whether I need them or not. I just like to have them with me. They comfort me. Ease me. I am one of those crazy people you see smelling their freshly bought textbooks or running their fingers lovingly over the pages of an old novel.

The library provides much the same level of therapy as running does for me and by the time I leave to meet Annie I'm feeling pretty good. The crisp fall air hits me and I breathe deeply, letting it fill my lungs and leave me feeling energized. My paper is done and I can relax. At least where school is concerned. There are about a thousand other things to worry about, but at least I can check that one meager thing off my list.

When I near the house I see Annie and Finn on the front porch, their heads close. Finn whispers something in her ear and I think I actually see her blush. She pushes him off the steps in annoyance, but I'm pretty sure I know what I saw.

Finn and I are going to have to talk.

I look at him suspiciously when he approaches.

"What?" he says innocently. I just narrow my eyes at him. "We'll talk later," he says and kisses my cheek. "I'm going to find Peet. Be back in about an hour."

Annie and I settle in the kitchen with warm cups of spiced tea. Her hair is pulled up into a messy knot on the top of her head. It is oddly both severe and cute. Her sea glass eyes are bright and I really hope it's because she has good news for me and not just because of the scene I just witnessed with Finn.

"So," I begin, taking a deep breath in preparation. "Lay it on me."

"Well, let me start from the beginning." She takes a sip of the warm tea and smiles. "It took us a couple of days to work it all out, but today we were finally able to get a look at Glimmer's medical records at the clinic. What we did is not at all legal, but I know you'd never say anything to anyone. Finnick, Thresh and I would all be expelled and even face possible legal ramifications." I nod my head, but the veiled warning is unnecessary. My lips are forever sealed.

"It was all pretty fun, I must say…don't tell Finnick that. His ego is already too big." She smiles again, this time it's bigger and lights her eyes. I really am going to have to talk with Finn. Possibly even invoke the friend code.

"I made an early appointment for Thresh saying he had called with stomach issues. He's a pretty good actor. Scary as hell to look at, but a good actor none-the-less."

"Thresh is a big teddy bear," I say, getting a little impatient and thrumming my fingers on the table. She notices and quickly continues.

"Ok, yes…so, the plan was to get Thresh access to the computer records." Thresh is a computer engineering major and a known hacker. I love Thresh, but I never thought I would need his hacking skills. "Finnick came with Thresh as a friend. His job, of course, was to work his magic on my boss…you've met her, the woman who manages the whole facility with an iron fist." I shake my head remembering the forty-something woman who took all my information when I hurt my hand on Gales face. She had her hair pulled tightly into a low bun on the back of her head and wore a perfectly pressed suit which seemed ridiculous among all the scrubs and jeans I saw everyone else wearing.

"I really had my doubts that Finnick would be able to distract her at all, she's such a tight-ass, but he did. He can be quite convincing when he wants to be, I guess. He had her eating out of his hands for at least 30 minutes. I'm not exactly sure what was going on behind the door and I really don't want to know, but when she came out she was slightly mussed." Annie lets out a little shiver. "Pathetic, really. I lost most of my respect for her this morning."

"He does have a way with women, even cougars." I say rolling my eyes, but silently wishing she would just get to the damned point.

"Anyway, regardless of what Finnick was doing, Thresh and I were able to access her records pretty quickly. It's actually kind of frightening how easily he was able to do it." She takes a deep breath and lays her hand on mine. My stomach drops and I close my eyes steeling myself for what I know is going to come out of her mouth.

"She is, in-fact, pregnant."

There it is. _Fuck._

I had been praying so hard the last few days that she was faking. I suppose that would have been too easy.

I hang my head willing myself not to cry. I've shed way too many tears over this situation and I don't know how many more I have in me.

"It still doesn't mean it's his, Katniss. You have to remember that. Her chart said she's almost 9 weeks along. CVS paternity tests can be done at 10 weeks. It's invasive and he might have a hard time convincing her, but there are also more pricey, completely safe DNA tests out there now, too." She squeezes my hand and stands to put an arm around me.

"Katniss, we still don't know all the facts. It's going to be ok. From what I hear about the girl, there is little chance it's Peeta's."

I can't hold it in anymore and a choked sob escapes me. I let her hold me while I cry even though I just want to go hide under the covers of my bed for the next 2 weeks. I feel like the world is caving in on me. Every bit of the peace I felt after my library time is gone.

I gather myself together taking a deep, cleansing breath. I just need to keep praying and keep repeating that it's not his. The universe, God, Buddha…whoever…will hear and make it so. It has to be someone else's baby. It has to be. There can be no other outcome. There just can't be.

"I like Peeta," she says with a sincere smile. "I think you're good together. Despite everything, I think you will make it. He seems to love you very much."

"I know." When I get to my feet to get a bottle of water from the fridge I sway slightly and have to grab the counter for balance. Annie is at my side immediately. She looks closely at me, studying my features.

"Are you sure you're alright, Katniss?" She moves the hair away from my face, concern in her eyes. "Your lips are a bit dry. Are you eating and drinking enough?"

I nod. "Must be all this damn crying I've been doing." I try to joke but I know it falls flat. I reach for the refrigerator door and pull it roughly open. I am thirsty. I've just been so busy and really haven't been thinking much about eating and drinking. I down the bottle quickly. She nods her head and smiles slightly.

* * *

I run as if I'm running from something or someone and I suppose that is exactly what I am doing. I pretty much shooed Annie out the door after I drank the bottle of water and ran upstairs to change my clothes. I want to knock two birds out with one stone - training and therapy - and just run until I cannot stand or think any more. Run until I am too exhausted to do anything but sleep. My training schedule calls for a nice LSD of 13 miles. It's my longest distance yet, but I couldn't be more eager to put 13 miles between me and the news Annie just delivered. It's the perfect remedy. Much more productive that crawling under my sheets. Plus, with everything that has been going on, I'm already behind on my marathon training. I need to push myself if I plan to finish with a decent time. This is an excellent distraction.

I only have one gel pack, a power bar and a bottle of Vitamin water left in my pack, but it will have to do. I set my iPod on my angry running music, mostly old Rage Against the Machine, and head out. The weather is perfect for distance running. Cool 60's, clear sky with the sun just starting to descend to the horizon. I let the light pounding of my feet lull me into complacency and just let my body take over.

It's been almost 2 hours when I finally round the corner to our house. I'm exhausted. I had to walk for about 15 minutes at around mile 10. My body just wouldn't carry me any further. My shirt has so much sweat in it that it is hanging off me. I could wring it out and it would look like a waterfall, I'm sure. My head feels a little woozy and I'm seriously thirsty. I think I could drink a gallon of water in one gulp. I'm even seriously considering sticking my mouth under the water hose when I see Glimmer walk out the door of our house.

Our house.

I do not want that bitch anywhere near our house. Ever.

_What the fuck, Peeta?_

But, I don't see him, only her wearing a tiny pink lace skirt and a tight grey t-shirt that shows off her still perfectly flat stomach. When she sees me she smirks, looking over my sweaty, tired body with disdain.

"Well, aren't you just pretty as a picture," she says with fake sincerity. She smooths her hands down over her shirt, stopping on her belly and rubbing a little circle, making sure my attention is drawn to the area. She smiles brightly and I want to put my fist down her throat. If I wasn't so tired and my head so wobbly, I probably would.

"Well, aren't you pretty as a porn star," I say with the same mock sincerity. Her face falls from a fake smile into a deadly glare. The old adage "if looks could kill" is pretty apt right about now, but I'm not scared of her. I'm pretty sure I could have her on the ground in three seconds, even in my current state.

"You won't be able to keep him, you know. Once this baby comes, you won't be able to keep him. I'll have him again. He won't be able to stay away from his baby or me and you know it." She sneers the words, her face contorting with malice. My stomach clenches at her words but I am careful to mask any feeling from creeping on my face. "Why would he want _you_ when he can have me and _our _baby?"

"Maybe because you're a whore who's put out for at least half the guys at Panem. He's too good for you, Glimmer. You're crazy if you think this is going to work out the way you want. It's most likely not even his. From what I've heard the odds are definitely not in your favor." Wrath fills her eyes and all I can do is smile. "Now, get the fuck off _our_ property and don't come back."

I leave her standing, gaping at me at the end of our driveway. I need to get away from her before I punch her in the throat. I walk coolly into the house, trying not to let my hands or knees shake like they so desperately want to. I will not give her the satisfaction of knowing how much she got to me. Once I make it into the house, though, I sink down the inside of the door let my head fall in my hands.

Peeta finds me a few minutes later in the same position, scoops me up without a word and carries me up the two flights of stairs to his room. I'm feeling pretty pathetic and sorry for myself in my soaking wet clothes and matted hair. Especially, since I know he just saw Glimmer with her perfect hair and perfect clothes.

He doesn't say anything for a moment. He probably doesn't want to talk about Glimmer any more than I do. He hands me a bottle of water from his little refrigerator and pulls my sticky shirt over me, hanging it over the side of his laundry basket to dry.

"You need to keep up with your fluids, Katniss," he says running his thumb over my chapped lips.

"I am," I say, taking a big swallow from the bottle. I lie back on the bed and put my arm over my eyes. I'm still reeling from my encounter with Glimmer. I feel self-conscious lying here half-naked with just a sports bra that only makes my tiny breasts look even smaller. I lay my other arm over them. I know it's silly. He's already seen me completely naked many times. Still, though, I feel all those old insecurities bubbling to the surface.

He takes my shoes off, pulls a foot up, places it on his shoulder and leans into me to give my leg a deep stretch. I feel the muscles tighten briefly and then relax under the pressure. He does the same for the other. The feeling of his hands gently massaging each leg sends shivers up my body. The tightness in my body eases under his hands. I'm amazed at the power his touch has over my body. I so easily become putty beneath him. He eases my foot off his shoulder and takes both legs in his hands, then moves my knees out into a deep butterfly stretch, opening my hips. He presses gently down on my knees until they hit the bed and he groans.

"Mmm, you are so flexible." I open my eyes to peer at him. He's looking hungrily over my lower body splayed wide before him. It's my turn to groan when he lies down on top of me, pressing himself intimately against me, want immediately pooling deep inside me. He moves my arm over my head and kisses me softly, running his hand down my side. It's not until he starts to kiss my neck that I snap to my senses and begin to weakly push him away. I have got to smell bad and I know my hair is wet and sticky with perspiration.

"Don't, Peeta," I whine. "I'm all sticky and sweaty."

"Mmmm, I want to make you even more sticky and sweaty." He nips at my skin and begins to pull the strap of my sports bra down. I swat at his hand and squirm under him. He lets out a guttural sound and I feel him harden against me.

"Ewww, I'm gross, look at me," I whine more.

"I am looking at you and you're gorgeous," he says into the skin of my neck, his hot breath making me quiver in delight. "Look, at these," he says holding my breasts in his hands, his mouth falling over one as he pulls and nips at one tip and then the other. "Mmm, perfect."

"They're not perfect, I don't know what you see in me, I'm tiny and I have no curves…" he smiles against the underside of my breast, his blue eyes dancing mischievously.

"Are you fishing for compliments, Miss Everdeen?"

"No, I'm just such a mess and I've seen the girls you've been with, Peeta, and I just don't get why you'd want me when…" He cuts me off with a searing kiss on the mouth.

"I want you because you're beautiful and you don't know it…" He kisses me again. "I want you because you would do anything for your friends, even if it makes you intensely uncomfortable…" He trails kisses down my torso, punctuating each word and then eases my shorts off. "I want you because you make me feel more loved with one look than anyone has ever made me feel in my entire life." He lies back on top of my naked body, the rough fabric of his jeans rubbing intimately over me. "And if I could, I would spend every minute of my life buried deep inside of you." I blush at his words. "And this," he says, grazing his fingers along my pink cheeks, "this, may be the thing that makes me want you the most. Your innocence and shyness undo me."

He circles his arms under my back and picks me up. "But if you feel so messy, we can easily remedy that with a nice"…_kiss_…"hot"… _kiss_… "steamy" …_kiss_… "shower."

His clothes are off in mere seconds and we are underneath the hot spray of the shower. He takes his time lavishing every part of me with soap, then rubbing shampoo into my hair and rinsing it out by gently letting his fingers run through the knots in my hair, down my back and over my bottom. I let my head fall back so the spray runs down over my face, trickling into my mouth and down the rest of my body. His hands go still in my hair. I freeze wondering what's wrong.

"What?" I question wiping the water out of my eyes.

A light smile graces his lips and he looks at me with heavy, questioning eyes.

"You really don't know what you do to me, do you?" His voice is ragged and filled with lust. When I just widen my eyes at him in question he attacks my lips and soon he has me pressed against the shower wall with my legs wrapped around him, moving furiously in and out of me. I think the entire house can probably hear us, but I can't be sure because I am floating away on an enormous wave of pleasure.

I am exhausted when it's over, although completely satisfied. I wrap myself in one of his gigantic, fluffy towels but I find I have to hold onto him; my legs are like Jell-O. He lifts me and for the third time today carries me to his room.

"We need to get some food in you. I think it's about time I take you on a real date." He twirls a piece of my wet hair around his finger, looking at me with loving eyes. "We've kind of done all this backwards, haven't we?"

I just shrug my shoulders. I haven't really thought about it. I like the way we've done everything. It's been perfect. Well, minus all the arguments and our extra issues, anyway. But the idea of food right now makes me very happy and I tell him so before I head down stairs to find something sexy to wear on our first date.

* * *

Sadly, I had to raid Johanna's closet for something cute and sexy. My closet is sorely lacking in that department. I choose a form fitting, burnt orange dress that dips down in the front showing off what little cleavage I have and plummets all the way down the back, too, where it pools loosely around the small of my back. I pile my hair loosely on top of my head with about a thousand pins so he can get the full effect of the dress.

I get exactly the reaction I was hoping for when I come down the stairs to find him waiting in the living room with Finn. He doesn't see me at first, so I can admire him in his darkest blue Diesel jeans and a closely fitting, light blue button down that hugs him in all the right places. The shirt makes his eyes look as bright and blue as the Caribbean ocean on a cloudless summer day. He makes my mouth water and I have to remind myself to breathe.

It's Finn who sees me first and he lets out a loud whistle and motions for me to turn. I do and he makes another noise that barely registers because Peeta is on his feet and over to me in one second flat.

He takes my hand and leads me back to the stairs.

"Wait, I thought we were going out?"

"How am I supposed to take you anywhere when you look like that?" He says with a low rumble into my ear. The sound makes me shake in my knee-high boots. He picks me up and sets me on the bottom step so we are eye level and runs his hands up my thigh and up my dress and I know exactly the moment he finds I'm not wearing any panties.

The look he gives me is ravenous and I know exactly what we'd be doing on these stairs if Finn were not in the other room.

"Food," I say, demurely, batting my eyelashes at him. This is really fun. "I'm really very hungry, baby." I lick my lips and run a finger from the dimple in his chin all the way down to the button on his jeans and then finally delicately over the growing bulge in his pants.

"Food can wait." He says as he throws me over his shoulder and carries me fireman - or caveman - style all the way back to this room.

* * *

We finally settle ourselves an hour later in a corner booth at the back of the Thai restaurant Annie and I had gone to a couple of weeks before…has it really only been that long ago? It seems like it's been a year. As I sit, his hand lightly grazes my behind and I can't help the blush that spreads over my face as I remember how he had roughly set me on my feet and turned me so I was bent over the bed. How he quickly smoothed my dress up over my hips and rammed himself in me so quickly I let out a squeak of surprise that quickly turned into a long deep moan as he took me from behind.

"You're so damn cute when you do that," he says as he nuzzles my ear and scoots as close to me as possible in the booth. "I love that I can make you blush so easily." I'm pretty sure I'm going to spend every moment with him in a state of fluster if he keeps looking at me like that.

"And you can't give that dress back to Johanna, because I don't think I'd ever be able to look at her in it again."

"Good idea. I don't want you to look at her like you've been looking at me." I can't help it when my hand travels over his legs and I lean in for a long kiss. I cannot keep my hands off him. I really wish I could just crawl into his lap and have my way with him again. Right here, public be damned.

I never knew I could be like this. So wanton. So…horny.

When the server sets our food in front of us I am finally able to contain myself. I really am extremely hungry and the food is so delicious.

"Annie and I were here the night Haymitch called me to come get your drunken ass at the bar. Remember that?"

"Yeah. And I'm still so sorry for yelling at you like that. It really was uncalled for." He looks sincerely at me as he twirls his rice noodles on his fork.

"I'm not." I pause to take a sip of water. "I'm not sorry it happened at all." He looks at me curiously waiting for me to continue.

"Peeta, it's what made me finally acknowledge my feelings for you. I don't know how long they've been lying dormant in me, but once you said all that to me and sent me bawling to my room, they all came flooding to the surface. It was like a tidal wave of emotion and I spent all night and day scared to death I had finally driven you away for good."

"Well, I'm glad then too. I just wish I hadn't been so harsh." That makes me laugh quietly to myself.

"I'm a little stubborn, Peeta, you know that. Sometimes I have to be forced into doing something. You know, hit over the head. Especially when it involves feelings." I sigh, knowing how hard-headed I can be. He takes my hand in his.

"I think I would have waited forever for you." This draws my eyes to his. "I think I've been in love with you since the minute I first set eyes on you. Do you remember that?" I nod, feeling my face warm, my food forgotten.

"You were wearing a little green tank top and those tight, tight jeans. Your hair was pulled back in that loose braid you used to wear." He licks his lips at the memory. "And you were so damned shy. I think it took half the night for me to coax two words out of you. But I loved it. It was like a challenge. And when you did finally speak, it was like my world came into focus."

I don't know what to say. His words are making my eyes pool and my heart stutter.

"And when you turned Finn down straight away I knew you were different and that I had to get to know you." I laugh at the memory of Finn floundering at my rebuff…very much like he did with Annie at the party. The only difference being he didn't pursue me like he is Annie. "And how you had a scowl for every guy at the party except for me. Yep, I fell hard and fast for you that night. Even after the whole Gale thing - man I wanted to kill him for that - that beating the other night was long over due - all I wanted to do was hold you and keep you safe. I would do anything to protect you."

"I wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for you guys. Really. You saved me." I say sadly, because it's the truth. Peeta and our friends put me back together again.

He leans over to kiss me softly. He deepens the kiss and brings a hand to my face, gently caressing my hair. I sigh into him as my heart flutters wildly inside my chest. Surely he must be able to feel it because it feels like it's trying to jump right out of my chest. I rest my head just under his chin.

"I do, you know." I say so quietly I'm not even sure he heard me.

"What?" he questions, lifting my chin off his chest, searching my eyes lovingly.

"I love you."

It's a simple declaration. The world doesn't crumble around us. Nor did it shift on its axis. Nothing out of the ordinary happens except for the look that covers his face. It's a look I've never seen before. A look I hope I never see him give anyone else. It's a look of pure elation and joy. It's a look I want to see every day for the rest of my life.

"I love you, Peeta."

"Say it again," he says as his hand travels up my thigh and draws circles on my bare skin. His smile barely contained. He's lighting up the room.

"I love you." He takes my face between his hands and kisses me again and again, peppering my face with delicate kisses and mixing them with deep sultry ones to my mouth.

I wish I could bottle this moment and sample it for the rest of my life.

I am so happy.

I am so in love.

xoxo

* * *

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	10. Chapter 10

We are noisy when we arrive home from the restaurant, the door banging against the wall as we practically fall through it in our excitement to get upstairs and in our bed. Our hands playfully paw at each other and I tug his shirt tail from his pants, my fingers fumbling with the buttons as I walk backward, his lips fused with mine. His hands are on my bare thighs when we make it to the stairs and as I climb up a few steps, his hands find their way up, bunching the thin fabric of my dress to an indecent level.

"Peeta! We're on the stairs, anyone can walk in!" I swat his hands away, but they remain firm where they rest just below my hips.

"Come on, baby, no one's here," he says nipping at the flesh on the back of my thigh.

"You don't know that!" I'm trying to be serious, but I can't help the giggle that escapes my lips and my weak protests fall on deaf ears anyway. Maybe it's the wine we had at dinner, I don't know, but his hands are driving me mad. They are so big and I am so small. He circles them completely around me and lightly brush the sensitive skin between my legs. My body immediately begins to tingle everywhere.

I try to protest our location again, but my head falls back on a thick groan when I feel his wet tongue on the back of my knee. My legs tremble and I am ready to collapse as he bunches the dress around my hips and turns me to face him, pulling me down onto the step above him. He settles himself between my legs and covers my mouth with his for a deep kiss, effectively silencing any further protests I have.

"No one is here," he says against my mouth. "Trust me, I won't let anyone see." My resolve crumbles and as his mouth travels down my belly all rational thought is lost and I can't think of a single reason to stop him.

"Seeing you in this dress has been driving me insane all evening." He moves the dress away from my breasts and swirls his tongue around my nipple and then under like he knows I love. "I think you should wear it every day."

My whole body is quaking in nervous anticipation. His hands and mouth are everywhere and I am becoming dizzy just trying to keep up. They move down to my waist, splaying wide as he holds me down to swirl his tongue around my belly button. I squirm as soft giggles escape my lips when he latches on to the space just above my hip that is so very ticklish.

It's not until his hands quickly lift my leg over his shoulder and his face hovers above me that I loose every thought in my head.

_My God, this is hot._

My hands weave into his blond locks as his tongue swirls and circles over me causing me to shiver and shake all around him. When his fingers find me my head falls back onto the step above and I tug on his hair trying desperately to bring him even closer. He moans huskily and deepens his assault on me. It's not until he has worked me to the point where I am about to break apart under him that he finally drives himself into me, causing us both to cry out.

Our entire group of friends could be standing at the foot of the stairs and I would never know it. I wouldn't care, either; I am so gone in the feeling of his body in mine.

"I can't believe we just did that," I pant as he lays his head on the step by my shoulder, completely spent and out of breath.

"You never cease to amaze me, Katniss. I can't believe you _let_ us do that."

* * *

The smell of cinnamon rolls wakes me from a deep sleep. My body is turned in to where Peeta is usually sleeping, but instead of finding myself wrapped around him, I find I am sprawled over an empty, cold expanse of bed. My face turns down. I've become accustom to waking in his arms and I don't much like the cold feeling creeping into me now that I've realized his warm body isn't here. Sighing, I pull his pillow toward my face and inhale deeply. I'm instantly comforted by the rich, spicy smell that is uniquely Peeta and I let my tired body relax against the soft coolness of his pillow. It's a sad substitute, but it will have to do.

A welcome smile spreads over my face when my mind flashes on the events of last night. The whispered I love you's. The soft caresses. The light in his eyes. The crazy, wild stair-sex.

All it took was just three little words.

I didn't think it was possible, but something changed again in us last night. Those three words I never thought I'd say again seeped into everything we did, morphing it into something deeper, more meaningful and even just a little crazier. I thought once we made love I would never feel closer to him. That first time was colossal in its effect on me. I honestly never thought I could feel so connected to someone. I had wondered if it was always going to be like that. If the enormity of the moment could ever be captured again. I didn't think it was possible…and then the fight over Gale happened and we cleaved to each other in that soul-shattering thunder storm of emotion, the feeling of our very souls seemingly connecting forever etched in my memory and in my heart.

And yet last night was different, too. We sat at the table wrapped in each others arms, our heads close, whispering sweet nothings to each other, our fingers softly wandering freely over the other, our food long forgotten. It wasn't until our server cleared his throat that we were able to pull ourselves from the haze we had created. When Peeta shifted to pull his wallet out to pay, I simply laid my cheek in my spot beneath his shoulder, my hand snaking around him, and sighed. My eyes were unseeing to the world around us, I was so lost in his warmth. I didn't care we were in the middle of a restaurant. I just wanted to remain in the moment forever, selfishly wishing the world around us would disappear.

The dreamy haze we were in at the restaurant gave way to a feverish, passion once we got home, unrivaled by anything before, and we didn't stop until the wee hours of the morning. I'm surprised he was able to get up so early for class.

Just three little words.

I don't think it was the words, necessarily, that made the difference. People say them all time. People misuse them all the time. For me, it was the simple fact that I could relax. I could let myself go in him. The last piece in the puzzle finally sliding into place. No more wondering if I would be rejected. No more wondering if I was enough for him. The words were out and he didn't run away from me, but rather to me, making me feel whole and full. It was the meaning behind the words. That I trusted him enough to expose myself in a way I never felt I would be able to again. He knew the significance, too. He understood.

True love can be very freeing, I've discovered. The thing that I have been running from for so long, terrified of it dragging me under, has actually had the opposite effect on me. Instead of feeling trapped inside a nervous bubble of anxiety about whether or not the other shoe is going to drop, I finally feel safe. I don't feel as though I always have to be the strong one. I don't always have to be fighting against what I know is real. I am not in this alone. I am free.

I can finally exhale.

I don't know how long I've been lying in bed reliving every moment from last night, but I do know I feel a little breathless and need to take a cold shower. I peel myself from the comfort of our bed, my aching muscles protesting every move. I don't know if it's all the running or all the sex that is making my hips and legs hurt so much, but if I had to choose…well, there really isn't a choice. It just seems unfair that I would have to choose at all.

With a quick glance at the time, I mentally catalog all the things I need to do today. I only have one class this afternoon and I have to work until close at the bar. As much as my body wants to protest, I think I can fit a run in before I head to class. I'm pretty sure it's a recovery day with pretty low mileage. So, it should be easy even though I've been plagued with thirst and fatigue all week.

When I walk into the kitchen, dressed and ready to run, I find Finn casually sitting at the table with a plate of cinnamon rolls in front of him.

"Are those rolls the reason I had to wake up alone today?" I say a little annoyed. "How in the world did you convince Peeta to make you cinnamon buns?" It's not often anyone can get Peeta to bake something, and if you can convince him, he always makes you help. He says it's too much work, too much clean-up and it reminds him too much of growing up in a bakery. He doesn't really mind it, he just has so many other things he'd rather do. For instance - me.

"I didn't," Finn pouts. "These are from a can. He's been too busy with you." He pauses, a smile lighting his features.

"Speaking of which…he told me…he couldn't stop smiling this morning." I roll my eyes. Of course Peeta told him.

"I swear, are there no secrets between you two? You're worse than a couple of fourteen-year-old girls." I take a roll from the plate and begin peeling the layers apart so I can get to the gooey middle.

"Pfft…anyway," he says, dragging out the syllables of the word. "I think it's great, Kat. Really. I'm happy for you guys…but do you think maybe you could keep it down?" He pauses slightly to watch my eyes snap to his and my face begin to heat. He's such an ass. "I mean really, I never would have guessed you for a screamer."

I throw my cinnamon roll at his face. He catches it and puts it in his mouth. I want to crawl under the table, but I know that's just what he's waiting for. Bastard.

He just laughs at me, thinking he's so clever. "You're just so easy to embarrass, Kat. I never tire of it…especially now that I've got all kinds of ammo." He winks at me.

"You're an ass."

"You know you love me, darlin'" He gives me his most dazzling smile and earns a scoff in return.

We're quiet for awhile. I'm still trying to come out of my embarrassment. I really need to try to not let him get to me. I'm a big girl. Sex is a natural part of being a woman. A really good part. I know I don't have anything to be embarrassed about and I just need to stop blushing every time someone mentions it.

Then I remember Annie blushing yesterday afternoon and I remember Finn and I have something to discuss.

"So, Finn, what's up with you and Annie?" I say popping another bite of cinnamon deliciousness in my mouth. They really aren't as good as Peeta's, but they're still pretty delicious. Finn's head snaps to mine and his eyes get big with excitement.

"Why? Did she say something?" He's almost giddy.

"There's that fourteen-year-old girl again," I snicker at him. He forces his mouth into a straight line.

I look at him curiously. His behavior is not at all Finn-like but I don't really want to give anything away. I would rather not tell him about all the differences I've seen in her.

He sighs, a frown moving across his face. He actually looks…dejected when I tell him she hasn't mentioned him. I find this very odd. Usually Finn just moves on. His carefree nature propelling him on to the next conquest like a tumbleweed blowing in the wind. Never dwelling on anything long. Always moving. Never looking back.

"What?" he asks when he catches me studying him intently. "What's the scowl for?"

"Do you actually like her or something?" I ask, the shock evident in my voice. "I mean really _like-like_ her?"

He lets out a snort and mumbles, "who's the fourteen-year-old now?" He shrugs his shoulders sadly at my question and sighs letting all the air whoosh out of him. He swirls his coffee in his cup then paces over to the coffee machine and brings the pot back to the table. I notice his hands are shaking and a loud clank sounds when he accidentally hits the pot on his cup.

"I don't know," he says quietly, shifting on his feet uncomfortably. My eyes get huge as I watch him fidget awkwardly.

"Oh my God! You do!" I exclaim a little more loudly than I had intended. "Ha! I was all ready to invoke the friend code because I didn't want you fucking up my relationship with her and look at you! You look like someone just kicked your puppy!" I am in shock. I look around me to make sure I haven't walked into an alternate universe. - Nope. Still here. - He has never shown interest in anyone like this - ever. The shock in me must be obvious because he's sneering at me over his coffee cup.

"Finn, seriously, I don't know what to say. Really. What are you going to do?" This conversation has taken a turn I wasn't expecting and I'm not really sure what to do or say.

"Doesn't seem like much I can do, Kat. She's shut me down every time. Every time! I've used all my tricks. All my best moves and nothing…nothing." His voice is laced with disbelief.

"Well, maybe you should forgo the tricks, Finn. Annie doesn't seem like the type to fall for tricks and she's certainly smart enough to see through your typical moves. It's probably going to take a little effort on your part if you're up for it…if you really actually want her and this isn't just another conquest or a way to prove something." He's the one who looks shocked now.

"Annie's not a conquest." He mumbles.

"Well, your reputation _is _vast and plenty, Finn. What do you expect her to think?" I lay my hand over his. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

"I could be different. I really think I could...For Annie I could be different." When he lifts his eyes to mine I can see the sincerity in them. My heart actually swells a little. I didn't think I could love Finn anymore than I already do, but damn if this new side isn't endearing.

I think long and hard about what I'm about to say. I think about all the things I know about Finnick Odair. I think about the public face he wears. The one that lures all the girls to his bed. The one that leaves them wanting more. Then I think about the face he wears at home. The one I know. The sweet, caring friend who would break laws just to help a friend. The one who is sitting in front of me wearing his heart on his sleeve.

"Do you want me to talk to her? Feel her out for you?" His eyes brighten and a small smile curves his mouth upward.

"Would you?"

I nod. "But you have to promise me you won't hurt her if I am able to convince her. Can you do that?"

The look he gives me lights his whole face up.

"Yes."

* * *

The bar isn't too busy tonight. There are a few people in the back room and the crack of the pool balls can be heard echoing through the building. A few shouts of amusement filter through the air now and again. Johanna and Finn are passing the time at the bar with me and a few beers. Peeta had to stay home tonight to finish a paper, but he said he'd try to make it out later. It's nice to have them here on a slow night to keep me entertained. They banter playfully back and forth about the shows playing on the overhead TV while I busy myself cleaning glasses, cutting lemons and stocking beer. They talk animatedly about how happy they are Jersey Shore has been cancelled, hoping that this may be a signal that American pop culture is taking a turn for the better…now if only the Kardashians would go away.

Haymitch wanders in from the back occasionally to see if I need any help behind the bar. We have three servers on the floor tonight, which, right now, seems excessive, but I imagine the crowd will pick up as soon as the last classes of the day are done.

The door opens and two of Gales band mates come in with a couple of tarty looking girls hanging off them. Their faces are heavily made up and their bodies covered - barely - with tight skirts and tank tops. I roll my eyes. Typical. They really do fancy themselves rock stars…groupies and all.

Seeing them, though, makes me wonder about Gale. I haven't seen him since Peeta put him on the ground.

"Um, guys." I'm hesitant about bring him up. Both of them were none to pleased about what happened. "Don't say anything to Peeta, but have you seen Gale lately?"

Finn tries to hide it, but I see the aggravation slither across his face before he can mask it. Johanna doesn't bother to hide anything. She rolls her eyes and lets a few vulgar comments slip out.

"Katniss, don't ask me to keep something from him. I won't do it…I'll tell him if he asks," Finn says. I can hear the disappointment in his voice and it makes me cringe. This whole Gale thing is just getting out of hand. I don't seem to be able to manage it without someone finding fault with me.

"Fair enough," I mumble.

"_I_ heard he crawled back into the hell-mouth he came from," Johanna quips. Finn cackles in delight.

"He'd be stupid to show his face at the house after the other night," Finn says, taking a long pull of his beer.

"Come on, guys. He's not that bad." Johanna just gives me a bland look and rolls her eyes.

"Keep telling yourself that, Kat. I just have to know - exactly how many times does he have to make you cry before you let him go? I need to know so I can keep track."

"That's pretty much the same thing Peeta said."

"Well, maybe you should listen to him, Katniss. Sometimes the boy is pretty smart."

"You guys just don't understand," I say waving her off.

"Damn right we don't understand," they say together. Their tone startles me as well as annoys me. I scowl deeply at them, fire lighting my eyes. It's bad enough I have to fight with Peeta over this issue, but to have to go there with them too, just flat out pisses me off.

Johanna sees the look in my eyes and softens her tone slightly when she speaks.

"Look, Kat, I like Gale. I really do. He's fun at a party, always has the best smoke and he's pretty damn easy on the eyes. But, you two together are just a toxic mess. This obsession you have for each other only brings out the worst in you both."

My hand stills in the mug I'm drying off.

"It's not an obsession. He's my oldest friend." For some reason that I can't explain, I can't meet her eyes. They remain fixed on the glass in my hand.

"I know, but he's also your ex. An ex that did something unforgivable to you, and yet, you forgave him. An ex that thinks he can take extra liberties with you and who is obviously trying to break you and Peeta up."

"No he isn't," I mumble. But I know it's true. Deep down I know it. He's not just trying to look out for me…he said as much the other night.

Johanna just rolls her eyes and I turn my back on her, knowing that if I look at them both and see the pity in their eyes I will lose it.

I'm still annoyed with them when the bar begins to fill. I've managed to take all the hurt and annoyance at my friends and channel it into anger. I'm slamming glasses around and yanking on the draft taps almost to the point of breaking them off. I've managed to work myself so far into a tizzy that Haymitch, who is surly on a good day, has to crawl out of his hole and take over the bar. I don't really know why I'm reacting so poorly to what they said, but I really need to get a handle on my emotions.

"Go stand in the damn cooler for a few minutes, sweetheart. You're scaring everyone." He growls at me. I grunt my response, throw my rag in the corner and stomp my way to the cooler. The first time Haymitch sent me to the walk-in cooler I wanted to shoot him in the eye. I mean, the cooler? It was my first time dealing with a horny drunk and the guy got me so angry I almost climbed over the bar and tackled him before Haymitch put an end to his advances. Surprisingly, the cooler works though. The frosty air hammers your skin sending chills throughout your body, while the florescent light practically singes your retinas after being in the dimly lit bar for so long. My body doesn't seem to be able to process the changes and be angry at the same time. I rest my head on the door and let the cool seep in. I feel myself begin to calm, my body too concerned with keeping my body temperature even to be hot with anger any more. The cold is so distracting I forget what I'm mad about.

I walk shivering back into the bar 10 minutes later just in time to see Glimmer stumble her way into the bar.

"Is she drunk?" I say to know one in particular. She stumbles some more, her body falling languidly into the arms of the first boy she sees. She giggles and runs a freshly manicured nail down his chest. "Holy shit, she is drunk!" I feel all the anger I left in the cooler creep back up my spine.

_What the fuck is she doing? She's pregnant!_

I push Haymitch roughly out of the way and march toward her swaying form. I vaguely register Johanna's sharp _Oh, hell! _before I feel her take my arm. She pulls me back with a nice yank.

"Don't make a scene, Kat." I look at her confounded. I want to drag Glimmer out of here and slap some sense into her. She's got a baby in her stomach. Doesn't she know what alcohol does to a fetus?

_Oh, God. She's got a baby in her stomach. Possibly Peeta's baby. Oh, God._

"She's drunk, Jo…and _pregnant."_

"I know, Kat. But," her eyes travel the space above us as if the right words might magically appear over my head, "do you really want this situation to go public like this? It could seriously come back on you and Peeta."

She's right of course. I know she is. The rumor mill is bad enough without adding this fun little triangle to the mix.

"I called Peeta," Finn says coming to stand beside us.

"Why the hell did you do that?" I ask. I don't think I've fully processed this whole situation yet and I can feel it all creeping up on me. I'm starting to realize I've been so caught up in Peeta and me that I've neglected to fully comprehend the gravity of this situation. Seeing Glimmer like this is starting to make me focus on things I'd rather were just left in the dark. Things I've been putting off thinking about.

My throat is starting to close and my ears are ringing.

"I think he needs to know. You know…in case…" Finn answers quietly. He drags a soft hand down my arm, his eyes full of concern. I hate that look. It's almost as bad as the pity he wore on his face earlier.

I turn and stomp back behind the bar. Haymitch has a shot of Beam waiting for me.

"You look like you need it." I know he's just trying to help me get through an uncomfortable situation the best way he knows how, but the gesture just makes me want to cry. He doesn't even know what the situation is and he doesn't ask. Still, he can read me like an open book. I toss the shot down my throat as quickly as I can. I only sputter once, although it doesn't taste any better tonight than it did the other night. Haymitch eyes me with a smirk and holds up the bottle.

"Another?"

I catch Glimmers blonde head bobbing my way and I put my glass on the bar a little more harshly than I anticipated, nodding my head. I need something to settle the angry volcano I feel brewing inside me. I'm slightly less likely to take her by the hair and drag her outside with a buzz than I am in my current state.

_I really wish I had a joint._

"Well, you don look any better today than you did yeserday, do you?" She slurs when she leaned on the counter in front of me. "I need a cosom…um…Cos-mo." Is she kidding me? She can't even say the word right.

"I'm not serving you Glimmer. You need to go home and sleep it off."

"Who the hell are you to tell me wha to do?"

"Glimmer, you're drunk. And you're fucking pregnant. You shouldn't be drinking at all!"

"I wanna drink!" She yells, looking at Haymitch with wobbly eyes. He shakes his head having heard what I said to her.

"Sorry, sweetheart, you're cut off."

Glimmer spews some impressive threats at us, but reins herself in and plasters a big, fat smile on her face when she spots Peeta walking through the door with Delly following close behind. Delly goes straight for Glimmer while Peeta makes his way behind the bar to me. Glimmer's eyes follow him, shooting daggers into me the whole way. It's petty, I know, but I can't help the smirk that overtakes my face.

He kisses me and cocks an eyebrow when he tastes the Beam on my lips. He doesn't say anything though. He knows me well enough to know my preferred way to curb my anger.

"Delly and I are going to take her home. I'll be back when I'm done with her." Interesting choice of words. I wonder if he'll ever be completely done with her.

_It's not his. It's not his. It's not his._

"I'm sorry, Kat," he whispers, placing a light kiss on my cheek before turning to go back around to Glimmer. He says a few things under his breath to her. I catch the words baby, drunk and a very clear "what the fuck" before she turns sad eyes up to him.

"I jus didn' know what else to do. You won' talk to me…I'm scared." I roll my eyes, but my gut clenches tightly as they walk to the door, her arms wrapped tightly around his middle.

It's several choice curse words, one more shot, and two broken glasses before Haymitch sends me back to the cooler again.

* * *

It's ironic that I'm here in his bed by myself again. I figured after the night Peeta and I just shared I wouldn't find myself alone so soon. Shows how much I know. Typical male response, I suppose. When things get a little challenging they disappear. I just never thought he would be so typical.

Peeta never came back to the bar after he took Glimmer home. At least he didn't before Haymitch threw me out. My attitude never improved and he told Johanna he'd pay her time-and-a-half if she'd take over for me.

"Go home and get your head out of your ass," he had barked.

I toss and turn, unable to find a comfortable position in this big bed without him. The room is too quiet without his steady breathing to lull me to sleep. Just the faint chirp of crickets can be heard from the open window. The moonlight is bright, casting an eerie blue glow on everything. Normally, I would find it romantic, but without him it just seems sad.

I pull the comforter up to my neck, wrapping it tightly around my body trying to replicate the warmth his body usually provides. It doesn't work and I only find myself sinking deeper into sadness.

Sleep is almost taking over when the door creeks open. My eyes flash open to see him padding over to his closet, removing his clothes, placing them in his hamper and then pulling on a pair of loose basketball shorts. When he slides into bed he is careful not to wake me, unaware I'm still awake. I don't do anything to make him think otherwise. As much as I want to be mature about the situation, I just want to forget about tonight. Forget that there is a very real possibility that train wreck of a girl will be tied to him for the rest of his life.

The mattress sinks when he settles himself on his back behind me. I want so badly to turn and wrap myself around him. To feel the comfort I was unable to find just moments ago, but I can't make myself do it. My body feels like stone, riveted to the spot.

I work at keeping my breathing soft and even in hopes of continuing this charade. I feel the mattress give again as he rolls to his side with a heavy exhale. He brushes my hair from my neck, letting his fingers linger briefly before kissing my shoulder and murmuring, "I'm sorry," and then settling himself along my back, his hand resting lightly on my hip.

* * *

When I wake he's still molded to my back. The comfort the weight of his body usually provides is making me claustrophobic today. I need to get out of here. My mouth feels like it's stuffed with cotton and my limbs ache from sleep. What little sleep I was able to find last night was fitful and plagued with disturbing dreams of a mutant Glimmer with an elongated snout trying to sink razor sharp fangs into Peeta's chest.

I peel myself from Peeta's grasp, carefully placing his arm on the bed so I don't wake him and quietly tip-toe down to my room. It's been awhile since I've been in here for more than a minute or two. The air is a bit stale and I wrinkle my nose. I don't bother with a shower, I just want to get out of the house before anyone wakes. I desperately need to put some mileage between me and everything in this house.

I'm readying my pack with gels and water when I notice Peeta's jean jacket laying over the back of a chair at the table. It's flung haphazardly over the back, which is unusual. Even when Peeta is careless he's usually still neat as a pin. When I pick it up to straighten it, a paper falls out. I pick it up and turn it over.

It's an ultrasound picture.

My breath catches.

It doesn't look like much, just a grey speckled blob in another black speckled blob, but I know what this is. I want to be sick.

I need to get the fuck out of this house.

I fumble with the picture, trying desperately to put it back in his pocket and forget I ever saw it. Picking my pack up, I head for the door. His voice stops me.

"At least take an extra water today. It's supposed to be a little warmer this morning and you look a little dry."

I turn to face him. He's leaning against the kitchen wall behind me with his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets. Pieces of his light hair fall into his eyes as his head hangs low on his shoulders. He peers out from under them at me, sadness blanketing his stare. He looks from me to the chair where his jacket hangs.

"We should probably talk about that."

I rub my pulsing forehead. I don't want to talk about anything right now.

"We haven't really talked about it, Katniss…about the possibility it could be…"

"Don't say it!" I shout, but I'm too late. He says it and it cuts me like a knife.

"…mine."

"I can't talk to you about this right now, Peeta. I'm too freaking upset. I can't do this."

I turn and race out the door and down the steps. I don't even warm up, I just take off as fast as I can down the street leaving him calling after me.

What a fucking mess.

I'm trying to be mature about the whole situation. I really am, but I think I'm failing miserably. He's right, we do need to talk this out. I've been so wrapped up in him, physically, to the point where I've been in complete denial about the fact that the baby in that picture could be his. I've spent all my energy praying that it isn't his, that I haven't stopped to think about what we would do if it actually is his.

I just can't make myself think about that. My mind shuts down when I even get close to going there. I bury myself in my textbooks, training or work and so far it's been working for me. The look on his face when I left said it's not working too well for him, though. He needs me and I guess I haven't really been there for him. Finn's words echo in my head, "_this is tearing him up inside_."

I'm about three-quarters of the way home when I finally decide to slow down for a drink. My mouth is getting really dry and my breathing is more labored than usual. I slow my pace and pull out a bottle of water. My hands are shaking furiously and I need to stop completely to calm myself down. My fingers feel weak when I try to open the bottle, but I'm able to get a few swallows down before my fumbling hands drop it on the ground, all the water rushing out over the concrete sidewalk. That was the only one I had in my pack. I left the other one on the table in my haste to leave. I know can't make the rest of this run without more water.

I just need to get home.

The further I walk the more nauseated and fatigued I feel. Our house is not far, but as I enter our neighborhood, my legs start to cramp and I have to stop again. I pull out a gel and put it in my mouth. I try to massage the cramps out of my legs but I can't get my arms and legs to stop shaking.

I need to get home.

I can make it. Our house is just around the corner. My head is fuzzy and when I stand to walk my head spins sending me stumbling a few steps. When I round the block to our house I know I'm in trouble. I can't keep a coherent thought in my head and my vision is wavering. My skin is burning and I'm not even sweating anymore. My stomach heaves and I empty what little I have in my belly in the bushes.

I know what this is and I just need to get home. I need some help.

I've been feeling something similar, but so much less intense for the last week or so every time I run. The fatigue and the light headedness have been there every time I run lately. The dry lips and cotton mouth as well. I had been telling myself it was nothing, exhaustion maybe, but I've been slowly letting myself get dehydrated without realizing it. Too busy with every other fucking thing on my plate to realize until it's too late.

I stumble up the porch steps, my body tingling and my vision dimming.

I'm thankful when I am able to turn the door knob and squeak out a weak, "Peeta!"

I feel more than see him moving quickly toward me and I don't remember anything after I collapse into his arms and everything goes black.

* * *

_Well, I hope you liked this one. I went back and forth on it a few times. Even had to toss a big chunk of it. Luckily, inspiration hit today and I'm pretty happy with the end result. _

_(Thank you, katnissinme, for bearing with me.)_

_We're nearing the end. Four or five more chapters, maybe. I know you guys are anxious for the Glimmer sitch to be done with and you'll get your answers in the next chapter._

_Again, if there is anything you want to see or think I've left out, let me know. _

_I just put up a tumblr: __**LibertySue dot tumblr dot com **__just in case this gets taken down here you can find this story over there and whatever other work I do in the future._

_There is a chance I may put a sneak peak up over there…or something...who knows…maybe if I get enough followers (*hint*). You can ask me questions and stuff too._

_Thanks again for all the follows! I can't believe I'm over 300 already! You're the best!_


	11. Chapter 11

I stare at the stained white ceiling of my hospital room as the attending yammers on about endurance running and hydration. He's an older, balding man with wisps of dark hair combed over his head, wire-rimmed glasses and a mouth that is perpetually set in a deep frown. He tells me of the dangers of dehydration, although I feel I'm pretty familiar with them right now, considering where I am. It's really not until he says the word "death" that I snap to attention and Peeta's hand tightens into a death grip around mine.

"You need to take better care…even in the cooler months, Miss Everdeen… If you're going to be training as hard as you have been." He scratches his head causing a few strands of hair to stand on end. "Now, you're looking better, but I want to keep you here over night, at least. We'll see if you can be released in the morning. I want you to rest and let the IV meds work." With that he turns abruptly and leaves the room.

All the air in Peeta's body whooshes out and he lays his head on the bed next to our entwined hands. The IV pinches the back of my hand as I reach to smooth his disheveled golden locks. The baby-soft strands slip through my fingers, tickling the skin between. He turns his face to me and I see a vein in the middle of his forehead angrily protruding. I've only ever seen it when he's in a highly stressful situation or he's been doing something extremely physically exerting. I smooth it with my fingertips. Flashes of his panicked face as I started to come to race through my mind. _Wake up, Katniss…Oh God, Katniss, stay with me…EMS is on the way…_

"I'm so sorry, Katniss. This is all my fault." His voice is sad and miserable and I wish I could take him in my arms. I wish he would just crawl up in this bed and lie here with me.

"How is this your fault, Peeta? You warned me…several times, in fact." He draws his eyebrows together and purses his lips, shaking his head.

"I should have taken better care of you."

"I'm not a child, Peeta. I'm an experienced runner who knows better. _I_ should have taken better care of _myself_."

"Katniss, you're mine. I should have done something when I noticed the changes in you. _I'm_ an athlete, too. I know the signs. I mean, what if you hadn't been able to make it home?"

"But, I did." I stroke his face. He looks so miserable and I want to kick myself for letting this happen. For making him worry. "I did make it home, and you knew exactly what to do. When things started to go down hill, I knew I had to get home to you. I knew you'd take care of me. It was the only thing I knew for sure…that I had to get to you."

He turns my hand over and rubs his thumb over the back before placing a lingering kiss to the same spot.

"You can't ever do that again, Kat. You scared me to death. When you came in white as a ghost and then your eyes rolled into the back of your head….I thought I'd lost you. I've never been so scared in my life. I _never_ want to feel that again...Promise me, Katniss…Promise me you'll never do that again."

"I'll try." His eyes snap to mine. Obviously that wasn't the answer he was looking for. "OK, I won't…I promise. I just wasn't thinking."

"I'm sorry for that too. If it wasn't for all my shit going on, you wouldn't have so much on your mind."

My mind wants to shut down again as we approach the elephant in the room and I have to remind myself that this is exactly the reason I'm lying here in this hospital bed. I…_we_…have to face this. I can't keep avoiding it, because it's obviously making me sick and he needs me. I can't keep shutting him out when he's facing something so huge.

"I suppose we haven't been dealing with it in the best way…it just seemed so much easier to set it on the back burner and think about it later. I just wanted to ignore it and get lost in you instead."

"Yeah, I like getting lost in you, too," he says as the cutest crooked smile breaks over his face, but it doesn't last long. "That's just it, Katniss, we can't get lost in each other anymore. If we don't deal with this and actually _talk _about it, it's going to eat us alive. You have to talk to me…and I have to know I can talk to you as well."

"I know. Talking really isn't my specialty, though. You know that, but I am sorry I haven't been there for you…that I've been shutting you out."

"It's not that, Kat…I just…" he pauses, searching for the right words. "I love you, you know that, and I just don't want to hurt you…and I obviously am." His hands wave around the room before he moves closer to the bed and hugs his arms around my middle, nuzzling his head into my abdomen. "I don't know how to make this better for us…for you."

"I don't think you can, Peeta. Until we find out whose baby she is carrying we're kind of in limbo. We can't move forward and we certainly can't go back. What's the point of all the 'What If's' ?"

"Well, then what can I say to make this better?"

_Tell me this is all a horrible misunderstanding. Tell me you won't want it if it is yours. Tell me you'll never see her again._

I don't say any of that because I know Peeta. I know he'd want to be a part of any kid that was half his. Even if the mother is a nightmare like Glimmer. It's who he is. It's what makes him so special. He's good. He's honorable. He's loving. It's why I fell in love with him…why she wants him too.

But those aren't the only thoughts that have been plaguing me lately. Glimmer's words sound in my head.

_He won't want you when he see's our baby…Why would he want you when he can have me and our baby?_

The rational part of me knows he doesn't want her. But when he came home so late last night and then I found that sonogram picture and all I could think of was he was with her - the mother of his child. _She's_ the one giving him that gift. _She's_ the one that will have that permanent tie to him.

Her. Not me.

"Tell me you'll still want me…if it is…yours." The word tastes foul on my tongue as it leaves my mouth. He looks at me, shock filling his eyes.

"How can you think otherwise?" He stands to sit on the edge of the bed, my hand held firmly between his in his lap. I don't think he's let my hand go since they put me in the ambulance.

"It's a _baby_, Peeta. And I know you - you love kids. You light up when you see kids. You coach Little League, for God's sake. She's the one that might be giving you that. I wanted…" I look away from him sadly. I want to cry, but no tears will come. Why is this so hard? Why do I have such a hard time being vulnerable with him? "What if you decide the baby is more important than me? You'll have a family, Peeta. Where does that leave me?"

I feel so selfish saying these things to him. This isn't really about me, but all I can think of is how it's going to affect me. How he won't want me anymore. How he will choose them and I'll be left with nothing.

He turns my face to him, his hand gently cupping the side of my face. I lean into him, my eyes closed, relishing the warmth.

"Katniss. Look at me." His eyes are wet when I finally meet them. "I've been floundering for so long now. Not knowing where I was going, what I was doing. I always knew what I wanted…there was never any question that you were what I wanted. I just never thought I'd get the chance to have you. And I made a lot of mistakes…and look where I am now…This whole situation is a mess. I have made a huge mess of my life, and I honestly don't know how to fix it, but I do know one thing." He pauses to kiss my forehead and grasps my face in both his large hands making sure I am looking at him. His face is serious. His cerulean eyes pleading with me to understand.

"Katniss, the only thing I know absolutely, is that I don't want to live my life without you. If there was any doubt in my mind - which there wasn't - all that would have been wiped away by today. I need you in my life. I want _you_ - only you….and you are crazy if you think I'm letting you go now."

My heart skips a beat. I honestly never thought I'd have this. This kind of heart-wrenching, all-consuming love. It's not something I ever thought a possibility and now I'm looking at it. I see it in his eyes. I feel it like an electric current running between us. It's frightening. It's exhilarating. It's breathtaking.

"We're going to be ok…even if…we're going to be ok."

"I want to believe you…I _do _believe you, Peeta, but the idea of you being tied to her in any way for the rest of your life terrifies me. You saw her last night. How are you going to handle that? She's a train wreck."

He smiles sadly at me and shrugs. "I don't know what I was thinking with her. How could a few dates turn into this."

"You were letting your cock do all the thinking, that's how." I smile at him, trying to lighten the mood a little. The air is getting awfully thick.

He barks out a short laugh and that crooked smile appears again. "Yeah, I guess he's not too smart is he?"

"Oh, I think he's doing ok now." It's nice to be able to laugh in the midst of all this uncertainty, because that's exactly what it is - uncertain. We can't make a plan when we don't know what we're planning for.

"I guess I'll just have to figure it out. Will you help me figure it out?"

I pull him to me so his head rests in the crook of my neck, his uneasy breath fluttering against the tiny hairs on my neck.

"I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

I wake to raised male voices in the hall. I turn my head to the door and find Peeta's bulky body blocking the doorway, his hand pressed firmly to Gale's chest.

"You are not going in there. She needs her rest!" The look on Gale's face is menacing and I suppose if I could see Peeta's it would be the same. I have to give them credit, though, they're not shouting and no punches have been thrown. That is something, I guess.

They both snap their heads to me when I call Peeta's name.

"Let him in. I'd like to speak with him." He gives me a weary look, but nods his head and ushers Gale in the room. He's not happy. I can tell by the way he begins pacing in the hall that he is not at all happy with me right now and we will most likely have words when Gale leaves.

"What happened, Catnip?" Gale asks, coming to sit next to me on the bed. He makes himself comfortable, grabbing my hand and hiking his knee up on the bed, his heavy boot dangling off the side. "Mrs. Meleski from next door cornered me when I came home and told me about the ambulance carting my little "songbird" away. I had to practically force Finn to tell me where they took you and then you've got your secret service detail posted at the door…what the hell happened?"

"Just dehydration. I wasn't paying attention to my fluid intake and I've been training too hard…I passed out for a few minutes...Too much stress…"

"That's not like you. You always pay attention to that stuff."

Gale was with me when I started running. It seems like Gale was always there for everything in my life. We ran together everyday at first before he decided music was more his thing. Right after our fathers died we would run the trails in the woods by our house. We found out pretty quickly that it was a good way to relieve stress and we were both under so much stress for being so young. My mother had checked out, unable and unwilling to provide any kind of care or comfort to me and my sister. I was left to feeding and looking after Prim…I essentially became Prim's mother. Gale had three other siblings to help with at home. Thank God his mother didn't check out too. No, she was a good mother and Prim and I often found ourselves sitting around their dinner table or sleeping at their house when our mother's wails became to much to take. There was no in between with her. She was either a silent stone sitting in the rocker in her room or she would cry and wail for my father until her voice was raw and weak with grief.

Gale and the wooded trails were my only escape from the madness.

"Like I said…stress…I have a lot going on."

"Hmm, I heard a rumor the other night," he says glancing at the door where Peeta is pacing like a caged tiger on the other side. "That got anything to do with it?"

The very last person I want to discuss that situation with is Gale, but I know he can see the answer written on my face before I can mask it. Although I shouldn't be, I'm surprised when it's not a smirk I see cross his features, but concern. This Jekyll and Hyde thing Gale has going on is extremely hard to keep up with lately. Every time I'm ready to say the hell with him, the old Gale shows up again. I suppose it helps that he is sober right now. I don't smell a drop of alcohol on him.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing, Catnip? You never really wanted kids before, let alone someone else's kid." His voice is soft and soothing. Full of reason. He lifts my hand, his fingers playing with the ring I still wear on my right ring finger. It's the ring he gave me the Christmas he first kissed me. It's just a simple silver band with infinity swirls etched in it. I know I should have put it away a long time ago, but I just can't. I love it too much.

He's not wrong, though. I never did want kids. Never thought I wanted that responsibility again. I already raised a kid. I suppose that's the question of the hour, though. Do I want to raise someone else's kid? No, I don't. But if I really want Peeta, what choice will I have if it turns out to be his?

Now, if it were my and Peeta's baby…that would be much different.

I need to get off this subject before I breakdown and we have another incident like the one in my room a few weeks ago. I don't think the hospital would be too happy having a hole in their wall.

"That's not the only stress, Gale."

"Me?" he says with genuine surprise.

"Yes, you, Gale. Jeez, I feel like I'm being pulled apart by the two of you and I just can't deal with it anymore. There is a freaking hole in my wall at the house! I _won't _put up with it anymore."

He eyes me carefully. His smoky eyes moving along my face, studying. I find myself avoiding his gaze. Instead I glance out the door at Peeta.

"Something is different about you," he says quietly. His eyes darken as they narrow and then become noticeably sadder. Sometimes knowing someone so well isn't a good thing.

"Don't make me choose between you, Gale. You won't like the outcome." His face blanches and he lets go of my fingers after slowly tracing the lines of the ring. He can hear it in my voice and knows I am serious.

As he sits back and pushes the sleeves of his long-sleeved t-shirt up around his elbows, I notice he has new ink. I take his arm in my hand and turn it over so I can see the tat on his forearm. The stars seem to be twinkling on his skin in the shape of Orion, The Hunter. Tears spring to my eyes and I hastily wipe them away. We always associated Orion with our fathers. They often took us bow hunting in the fall and winter months. Orion was the first constellation they showed us. The four of us in our sleeping bags under the night sky, the stars so bright it seemed you could reach into the sky and scoop them up. After they died we would search the winter sky for Orion, finding comfort that it was always there. It made us feel like our fathers were somehow still with us.

"That's nice," I whisper as my fingers trace the invisible lines the stars make, my voice weak with sadness. He trembles slightly under my touch and gently wipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumb.

"We always said we'd do this together," he says, sadness lacing his voice, too. I nod my head, unable to say anything for a moment. We sit silently together, our heads low as we remember the long winter nights we spent huddled together watching the night sky. Lost in the grief that only losing the most important man in your world can bring.

"Catnip," he pleads, his fingers tracing my jaw and pushing some loose strands of hair behind my ear. I hold my hand up for him to stop.

"I'm in love with him, Gale."

A wave of emotions crashes over his features. It pains me to hurt him and I know I have. It just seems like it is the only way to get through to him. If we have any chance at remaining friends, he has to understand.

I don't have to say any more. My face is telling him enough.

We watch each other for awhile in silence - studying each other. This has always been our preferred way of communicating. After a few minutes he nods and pushes himself to his feet.

"You want me to call your mom and Prim?" I hadn't thought about calling them. It's been so long since I felt any responsibility toward my mother, and Prim and I don't talk as often as I'd like. She's always too busy since she got a full ride to State studying Pre Med.

"Better to hear it from me, Catnip, than to see it on an insurance form, don't you think? Kinda hard to hide a hospital stay. Besides, Rory's been leaving me all kinds of messages the last couple of days. I owe him a phone call. I'm sure Prim will be there too."

I can't help the cringe that appears on my face. Rory is Gale's little brother and the only boy my sister has ever loved. The similarities between the brothers and the whole situation is far too much for me. I know it's why they chose State instead of Panem. I've never approved of their relationship…not after I found them in bed together, naked, when they were just 16. Rory is the spitting image of Gale and my sister is just so sweet and caring. If he ever hurt her…

"He's better than me. You know he is," Gale says sincerely. He knows what I'm thinking. He always does.

"OK. Tell them I love them and not to worry. I'll call soon." He leans over and places a soft kiss to my cheek.

"If you need anything, Catnip…anything at all…"

"I know."

He leaves quietly without sparing Peeta a sideways glance.

"Thank you for that," Peeta says coming over and making himself comfortable at my side. His eyes are soft and full of love. There will be no argument today.

"You heard?"

He nods. "You guys have always had a really disturbing way of communicating, you know. It's really quite unnerving to the outside observer…but I think you got your point across."

"So, you're ok with everything…him?"

"Not really. I would rather you never see him again, but I know that would make you unhappy and I've already made you unhappy enough. I'll put up with him…but if he hurts you again…he's dead."

I roll my eyes, but I understand what he is saying. I can't keep letting him toy with me. I was serious when I told him I would choose Peeta and leave him behind.

"Listen," Peeta says suddenly. "I think we should take a trip. Turn our phones off and get out of town for a couple of days. Doc said you need to rest and I'd like to check on my dad…what do you say?"

"I say that sounds like a perfect idea…you think you can call Haymitch? I'm supposed to work this weekend."

"I already did and he pretty much just grunted at me and said…and I quote…'You better not be fucking with my girl, boy, or I'll gut you like a pig'…Gotta love the old bastard. "

"Sounds like Haymitch."

* * *

The town Peeta grew up in is picturesque. The streets are all lined with giant old oaks, all the houses have finely manicured lawns with basketball hoops in the driveways. Kids play street hockey and run freely from house to house. Just a few streets down is Main Street where Mellark Bakery and Café sits surrounded by a dozen or so other fine businesses. The storefronts are all well maintained with flowers overflowing their pots, hand-crafted signs and inviting window displays welcoming customers. Sidewalks are free of litter and you'll even find a fierce game of chess being played by two older gentlemen in front of the hobby shop.

It's the perfect place to raise a family.

When we pull into the driveway my mind is lost in the beauty of this place and I wonder if he'll want to come back here after we graduate.

"Hey, where'd you go?" he says placing his hand on the back of my neck and pulling me to him before we get out of the car.

"I was just thinking about graduation."

"Hmm, something else we haven't talked about…" He brings my lips to his and slides them over mine. Just a gentle caress before he pulls back and nods his head to the front door.

"We've got an audience."

I turn back to my window to find the rest of the Mellark men standing on the front porch watching us.

Mr. Mellark is the first off the steps and has me in a bear hug before I can even gather my wits. His big body envelopes mine. He is warm and soft and the scent of cinnamon and freshly baked bread clings to him. His arms hold a comfort I haven't felt in so long. He feels like a…dad.

"There's our girl! Peeta!" he calls to his son, who is busy pulling bags out of the back of the Jeep. Marcus' voice is reprimanding when he continues, "I thought I taught you how to take care of your girl better than this!" He pulls back and holds me at arm's length, looking me over.

"I'm fine, really. I just wasn't being very smart."

Marcus frowns slightly and then gently rubs the top of my arm. "Now, Katniss, dear, it's a mans duty to take care of the woman he loves…no matter what." I duck my head before he can see my eyes start to glisten. His kindness and concern make me long for my own father.

All the bags of groceries Peeta and I stopped to get on our way here, plus all our personal bags are gone before I can even process what is happening around me. The brothers are loudly bickering back and forth. They push and shove like ten-year-olds here and there as they make their way into the house. Marcus follows behind them, shaking his head.

I'm still standing at the back of the Jeep when Ryan ambles up to me, hands in the pockets of his flour dusted jeans.

"You comin' in, sweetheart?" His eyes are full of amusement as I look for something to carry. Even my purse has been taken in.

"Well, I thought since you guys carried everything else in, you might want to carry me in too." I'm joking of course, but Ryan takes it as an invitation and scoops me up over his shoulder laughing as he bounces me up the sidewalk and to the front door. I shriek for him to put me down, pounding my fists into his back.

"Jeez, Ryan, how many times do I have to tell you to leave her alone! She just got out of the hospital, man," Peeta admonishes him, but I can hear the laughter in his voice. My faces in burning when Ryan releases me and I punch him in the arm before he can get away from me. He lets out a strong laugh as he rubs where I hit him.

"I heard you had a hell of a jab! I like her, Peet, I really do…feisty!" Peeta pushes him out of the foyer and pulls me to him.

"Sorry about that," he says, even though I can tell he's not. "Ry is just…Ry. He's never been able to contain his caveman tendencies…EVEN WITH HIS BROTHER'S GIRLFRIEND!" he bellows loud enough for Ryan to hear from the other room.

"Not when she's so damn cute!" Ryan calls back. My mouth hangs open unattractively. It's probably the perpetual scowl I wear, but I have never been called cute in my life.

Peeta closes my jaw with his fingertips as a tall, raven-haired woman enters the foyer. She's probably a few years older than us and she is stunning in her raw beauty. Her deeply sapphire eyes shine against the backdrop of flawless, porcelain skin. She holds her hand out for mine, a bright smile covering her face.

"Don't worry, you get used to that bumbling idiot," she says with dancing eyes.

"Katniss, this is Alexa. Lex is Marc's… girlfriend…wow, it's so good to see you!" Peeta says, clearly excited to see her. This is not the woman I saw Marc with last time we were here. The woman I remember him with was a curvy, uptight blond who always wore a pant suit, a tightly wound bun and never smiled. If I remember correctly, she even wore a giant diamond engagement ring. This woman before me is the very antithesis of her. I put this on the list of things I need to ask Peeta about.

My confusion must be evident because she lets out a light chuckle and says, "It's a long story…a lot has changed here at the Mellark home since…well, _since..." _And she's right. A lot has changed since the last time I was here. The house is still tidy as can be. Some things just can't be unlearned, I suppose. But there are tell-tale signs of life now. The house feels lived in. Warm. Inviting. When I peek into the family room I even see a PS3 laying on the floor in front of the TV and an errant book on the coffee table. Things I imagine would never have been allowed to lie around before.

Everyone has gathered in the kitchen and we make our way back there. The sight as I enter makes my heart swell. It's family in the very purest sense of the word. Marcus stands at the stove stirring a big vat of wedding soup, a fresh loaf of bread sits cut on the counter ready to be served. He motions with one hand as he talks animatedly to Marc who is casually leaning against the counter. He gathers Alexa in his arms and places a soft kiss behind her ear before whispering something in her ear. She softens in his embrace. They are a couple in love if I ever saw one.

Marc is the most changed here. His hard edges have been significantly softened. Gone is the hard, uptight, businessman. He's much more relaxed and approachable wearing a smile on his face and faded blue jeans and a t-shirt than he ever was in his standard tie and slacks from before. I wonder if it's all Alexa or if it has more to do with the passing of Mrs. Mellark. The latter seems more likely as I get the distinct impression that Alexa wouldn't even be here if Mrs. Mellark were still alive. Much like I'm sure I wouldn't even be here if she were alive.

Ryan slouches in a chair at the table with a bottle of beer in his hand. I notice he has a Mellark Bakery shirt on and his dark blond hair seems to be dusted with the same flour that covers his jeans. Peeta had told me before that Ryan always refused to work at the bakery. He would rather endure his mothers wrath for a short time than to have to spend hours a day working with her. It was just another form of rebellion and Ryan was always one for rebellion. I also notice the anger he seemed to always carry is gone. While Ryan was boisterous and obnoxious before it always seemed to carry the sharp edge of anger to it also. Now he's just obnoxious and loud. More fun-loving, I guess.

There is a loud bark at the patio door and I see a massive chocolate lab sitting patiently on the other side.

"A dog!" Peeta says with pure adolescent joy in his voice as he opens the door to let him in. "You got a dog, Dad? Wow!" I have to giggle at his exuberance. He is positively beaming at the gigantic creature currently laying on it's back in it's own doggie heaven as Peeta vigorously rubs its belly. "I always wanted a dog," he says to me quietly as I kneel beside him to join in the fun. "Mom never let us. Always said they were too dirty and smelled bad…I think you smell just fine…don't ya, fella," he coos and the big guy gets to his feet and licks Peeta's face wildly.

"Brutus, down." Marcus says firmly and he immediately sits and stills. He's so good and so cute with his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth that I have to kneel back down and hug his furry body to me.

"Aren't you just the best boy?" I love dogs too and was never able to have one. When I look back up at Peeta standing above me I know we have the same thought running through our heads.

We need a dog.

A lot has changed at the Mellark house and I think they are all better for it.

* * *

I am curled up on the oversized porch swing on the back patio with Brutus snuggled close to my body keeping me warm and cozy against the cooling fall afternoon. We fell asleep here a few hours ago and now I am enjoying watching the puffy white clouds move against the cerulean sky, his sweet doggie sighs keeping me content and happy. A dog makes everything right in the world.

I'm stroking his velvety fur when I hear Marcus and Peeta enter the kitchen.

"How could you be so irresponsible, son? I thought I taught you better than that?"

"You did, Dad…" A chair scrapes the ceramic tiles.

"How likely is it that it's yours?" I don't hear Peeta's answer. "Does Katniss know? …What does she think?"

"Well, that's part of the reason she ended up in the hospital…the stress of it all…she literally ran herself into the ground…what should I do, Dad?" His voice cracks. The emotion in Peeta's voice is stronger with his dad than he usually shows me. He sounds like he's on the verge of tears.

"I'll tell you what you do, son, you hold on to that girl out there and you never let her go. If this baby turns out to be yours then you'll care for it, too. Be a father. Be a man. But, if you love Katniss half as much as you say you do, then you'll hold on to her and love her and care for her with everything you have." He pauses and I can practically see him running his fingers through his hair like Peeta always does.

"Peeta…you know there are exactly three reasons I will never regret marrying your mother, right? You boys are what made that marriage worth it for me. But I don't want my life for you and when I see you making the same mistakes I made…I let the love of my life go because I was stupid and careless and got your mother pregnant with Marc…she knew I was in love with another woman and never let me forget it for one minute of the last 26 years…she took it out on you boys, too… and I am so sorry for that…Now I can't say it enough…I don't regret any of you boys. I never will. You are my reason for living… But I do regret missing out on my chance at true love. At true happiness. So, you make it work, Peeta. You do what you have to do to make it work. I'll support you the best I can."

I tune them out, tears prickling my eyes. I can't imagine what it must be like to be married to someone for 26 years and not love them. How sad and lonely a life that must be.

I feign sleep when the patio door slides open. Brutus lifts his head when Peeta appears and I open my eyes slowly as if just waking myself.

"Hey, you," he says softly, emotion still lacing his words. Brutus gets down and stands patiently at his feet, his tail sweeping back and forth over the brick floor waiting for some attention. Peeta reaches down and satisfies him with a quick scratch behind the ears. "It's getting pretty cold out here. Sun's going to be setting soon."

"Brutus is a fine blanket," I say stroking his fur.

"You did look pretty cozy all snuggled up together."

"I'd rather snuggle with you." I stand and move into him, letting my hands sneak under his flannel shirt and up his back. He groans when I place a wet kiss to the underside of his chin, his light stubble tickling my lips.

"I think that can be arranged."

Thankfully, Marcus is not in the kitchen when we pass through on our way upstairs to Peeta's old bedroom.

He turns to me after clicking the lock in the door and leans back against it, his eyes misty with want.

"We shouldn't do this. The doctor said you shouldn't over exert yourself." He swallows deeply as I slowly walk to where he stands, unbuttoning my shirt as I go. I stretch up on my tiptoes so I can reach his mouth with mine, my fingers finding the hem of his shirt and lifting it over his head.

"I'll let you do all the work," I say grinning against his mouth. His breath is sweet and his lips taste like sugar cookies. His only reply is a soft _mmmm_ as he eases my open shirt from my shoulders, letting it flutter to the ground around our feet, my bra following quickly after it.

His kisses are soft at first, our lips lightly gliding against each other. Gradually, he deepens the kiss, slowly adding pressure and opening his mouth so he can lightly brush his tongue along my bottom lip asking for entrance. I love kissing him. I could drown in his kisses. He has an astonishing way of pulling a kiss out of me, like he's drawing my very breath into him. Swallowing, tasting, savoring each stroke, each pull.

I can always tell what kind of love-making we are heading for just by his kisses. Hard and urgent. Soft and sultry. Light and silly. Tonight promises to be soft and sensuous.

* * *

The room is dark with the night. There is a soft ringing in the distance. We are dozing on top of his bed covers after the most luxurious sexual experience I could have ever imagined, wrapped only in each other's warmth. All the muscles in my body are liquid from his fingers easing any lingering stiffness away as he deftly massaged every inch of my body. I could do nothing but watch and feel as he moved above me, my body so relaxed I didn't even feel solid anymore.

"Peet, Finn's on the phone! Says it's urgent, man." Ryan yells through the door.

My chest tightens a little as Peeta quickly sits up. We share a curious look. He had left specific instructions not to contact us while we were here. If Finn is calling the house phone it isn't good. He quickly pulls on his jeans and tosses me his shirt to cover myself so he can open the door for the phone.

"Hello," he says, his voice husky from sleep. He listens as Finn talks and then sinks back down on the end of the bed beside me. His face is dazed as he rests his forehead on the heel of one of his hands.

He sucks in a long breath through his nose. "Well, I guess that's that, then…she ok?…ok…yeah, thanks man." He hangs up and flops back on the bed, his arm coming across his eyes.

"What happened?" My voice is timid. I'm almost afraid to ask. The sound of my voice seems to shake him from his thoughts and he rolls over so his head rests in my lap and his arms circle my waist, hugging me tightly to him. My fingers tangle in his hair.

"Miscarriage, Katniss…she had a miscarriage." His voice breaks on 'miscarriage' and I wonder if it's from sadness or relief. He won't look at me, so I can't tell.

I swallow the lump in my throat, relief washing through me like a cool wave. "Do…do you know why or, or how it happened?"

"Finn said she was drunk again and fell down the stairs at the Kappa house…she has a broken arm, too…he said I'll probably have about a hundred text messages and missed calls from her…she'd been trying to get in touch with me all day."

"Are you ok? Do, um, do you want to go back…check on her or something?" I want to choke on the words. I don't want to leave this little slice of heaven we have found here for her. Not when it's finally over and we can breathe again.

"No…I don't think so. It's over." I can feel his heart beating rapidly under my hand as I stroke his back. He pushes his head into me so I'll lie back on the bed and he eases his shirt up around me so my belly is exposed to him. I feel wetness fall on my stomach as he places soft kisses around my belly button.

"It's over. All I ever wanted is right here…will be right here." He places one last kiss to my belly and then silently sobs into my belly, letting go of all the stress the last few weeks have thrown at us.

_Oh, God, thank you! It's finally over!_

* * *

_I hope you stick with me now that the Glimmer situation is seemingly over…I have a lot more story to tell…and we have not seen the last of Mr. Hawthorne._

_Thanks for reading and reviewing! _


	12. Chapter 12

The sun is high when I finally shuffle into the kitchen the next morning. Peeta was long gone by the time I woke and I was left with a cold, empty bed. I can't say I was surprised, though. His sleep was fitful, at best. He tossed and turned for the majority of the night and I think I only found decent sleep after he left the bed. I thought he would be more relieved than he seems to be. Relieved that he isn't poised to be a parent with that disaster of a human being, Glimmer. However, he seems to be broody and restless. If I know Peeta, he's feeling some misguided sense of responsibility for the whole mess.

I suppose that's the difference between the two of us. I'm relieved it's over. A part of me knows it's wrong, that I should feel sad that a child is gone…and I do…especially if that child was Peeta's, but ever since we got together it seems like it's been one problem after another. We haven't really had a chance to just be together. We haven't had a chance to be happy in being an "us" without all the outside drama. I'm ready to just enjoy him. I want to have some time to ourselves and be kids while we still have the chance.

Is that so wrong?

Marcus is hunched over the grey and white marble-topped island rolling out a pie crust. The room is warm from the ovens and filled with the sweet scent of roasting apples. There is a large, red bowl of cut cinnamon and sugar covered apples sitting on the counter behind him and I am seriously tempted to scoop out a handful and devour them. I resist only out of politeness. I'm sure if it were just Peeta and me in here I'd never be able to resist.

He is lost in thought, humming softly over his rolling pin when I silently pad down the stairs and into the kitchen. He seems happy, like he wouldn't want to be anywhere else, doing anything other than baking apple pies on a Sunday morning. As my eyes move over him I can't help but think I'm seeing what Peeta is going to look like in 30 years. He is strong and healthy with large muscles defining his arms and shoulders. His golden hair is thinning slightly and is tinged with grey, but he is still an incredibly handsome man.

When he lifts his eyes to me a warm smile breaks over his face. My face flushes as I know I have been caught looking.

"Good morning, dear," he says as he straightens to stretch out his shoulders. It's then that I notice his apron. It says: "Kiss the cook, but don't touch the buns." A giggle escapes my mouth and I quickly cover it. He glances down and then back at me with a sheepish smile and says it's his boys' way of being funny.

I make my way to the coffee pot, but he "tsks" me and says, "No caffeine." I frown and even pout a little wondering how I'm supposed to start my day without caffeine as he pours me a glass of orange juice and motions for me to sit at the island with him. He sets a generous bowl of assorted berries in front of me as well as a small bowl of vanilla yogurt and the pout leaves my face. The berries look divine. Red and black raspberries. Plump blueberries and black berries the size of my thumb. I place a few berries in the yogurt and swirl it together, the berries bleeding into the white yogurt making a pretty, colorful swirl.

"Eat, this is good for hydration. The berries are fresh off the bushes out back." He busies himself with placing the crust on top of the apples and presses the crust closed along the edges making a pretty design with his fingers. He carefully cuts small shapes into the top and then sprinkles it with cinnamon before popping it into the second oven on the wall.

"So, are you feeling any better this morning, Katniss?" he says as he begins cleaning up his work space.

"Yes, much better, thank you."

"Peeta told me about his phone call last night. Must be a load off your shoulders." His eyes are kind, but all I can do is nod my head, my stomach tightening as I remember him holding on to me like I would disappear while he sobbed into my belly.

"Have you seen him?" I ask quietly before placing a spoonful of my breakfast into my mouth.

"He's got a lot on his mind, doesn't he?" He takes a long sip from his coffee, setting it softly back on the counter before he continues.

"He's always had such a sensitive soul. Always trying to do everything for everyone all the time. He internalizes a lot and I know this is going to weigh heavily on him for awhile." He reaches over the long counter and places his large hand over mine. "How are you feeling about all this?"

"I'm relieved…I thought he'd feel more relieved than he seems to be." There is something about this man that I find so comforting. I don't know if it is his gentle manner or the kindness that I have never seen leave his eyes, but he makes me feel like I can trust him with anything. "Is it wrong to feel relief that this is finally over?"

"I don't think so, Katniss. This has to have been very hard on you." He sighs and leans over the island so he's eye level with me, the blue of his eyes soft with understanding. "But, I think Peeta's been trying to get himself used to the idea of being a father…you know, preparing for the worst, but hoping for the best…and I think he is probably really feeling the loss because of that."

"Oh," I say quietly. I hadn't really thought of that. Jeez, I really am a horrible girlfriend. Here I am happy and ready to move on, thinking it's over and he's mourning the loss of a baby.

I really am emotionally deficient.

"Do you think I should find him, or do you think he wants to be alone?"

"I think he's been alone long enough. Just take the trail out back by the berry bushes through the woods. You'll find him on the other side." He straightens and begins to wipe the counter off.

I stand to rinse my bowls out and place them in the dishwasher. My thoughts are firmly on Peeta. How did I miss that? Was I so absorbed in my own feelings that I completely missed the reason for his breakdown last night? I thought they were tears of relief and maybe a little guilt, but not grief.

I'm still lost in my thoughts as I turn the door knob to go outside when Marcus calls my name. I look at him, my eyes low with shame.

"Thank you," he says closing the distance between us.

"For what?" I know he can hear the shame in my voice. I can't keep it from seeping through.

"For taking care of my son." He must see the disbelief in me because he takes me in his arms and whispers a soft, "You're doing just fine."

I don't know how well I'm doing. I haven't really done anything except completely misread his son. I hang my head and steel myself for what I'm going to find on the other side of the woods.

It's quite chilly out and I wrap my sweater tightly around me. The fallen leaves make a mosaic of color on the forest floor and they crackle under my Chucks as I step quickly over them. I seem to have lost the ability to walk quietly; it's been so long since I hunted or spent any time in a forest. The forest here isn't much different from the ones that backed our property at home. The same types of trees, vegetation and critters scurrying along the ground everywhere makes it feel like home. I sigh thinking I need to find more time to be outdoors.

The path opens onto a large baseball field and park. There are swing sets and other playground equipment off in the distance to the left and a long, narrow lake with picnic tables sprinkled around it on the other side. Today, the park is deserted, the nip in the air keeping everyone inside the warmth of their homes until the sun has a chance to warm the air. I see Peeta and Brutus lying in the grass in just a pair of faded jeans and a white thermal shirt along side the pitchers mound. He rhythmically tosses a baseball in the air as Brutus' whole head moves up and down in time with the ball, waiting patiently for a game of fetch to commence.

Brutus' ears perk when I draw near and he launches to his feet and barrels to me, tongue lolling out the side of his mouth. I bend to give him a good rub. "Have you been taking good care of Peeta? I bet you have…such a good boy, you are," I murmur to him as I hug him close, enjoying the feel of his warm, furry body against my face. He follows me to where Peeta is now lounging on his side watching us, head propped on his hand.

"Hey you," he says as I mirror his position on the ground.

"Hey yourself. Why didn't you wake me?"

"I figured you needed some quality sleep. Sorry if I kept you awake. I couldn't seem to settle down enough to sleep." Dark circles shadow his slightly puffy eyes and the pallor of his skin makes him look tired and drawn.

"Do you want to talk about it, Peeta?" He sighs and looks down to where his fingers pull at the grass in front of him.

"I don't know what to talk about, Katniss…or where to start. I've got so many conflicting feelings swirling around my brain that I can't make sense of. One minute I feel pure relief and elation…then the next crushing guilt …and then debilitating grief…part of me feels like I just lost a kid. That's the worst. The grief…and I don't really understand it. I didn't even want a kid now…didn't even know if it was mine and yet…yet here I am feeling an acute sense of loss." His eyes are mournful and dejected and I brush his bangs off his face trying to provide some sort of comfort to him.

"…and then there's another part of me that desperately wants to ignore that and move on like nothing ever happened…and then I feel guilty for wanting that and the cycle starts all over again…"

I don't know what to say. I never do in these situations. So, I just remain quiet and cover his hand with mine. He turns his hand over and laces his fingers with mine.

"And that guilt is only compounded by the guilt I feel for my part in the miscarriage." My inhale is sharp and quick.

"That was not your fault, Peeta. You shouldn't put that on yourself."

"If I had been there…" I don't let him finish his thought.

"It probably would have still happened, Peeta. You not returning her calls is not what caused her to get drunk and fall down a flight of stairs…and what does that say about the type of mother she would have been anyway? It's not your fault. Don't ever think that. Please." I inch myself closer to him and slide my hand around his neck and into his messy, curling hair and pull his face closer to mine.

"Peeta, you are, truly, the best person I know." He scoffs at me and rolls his eyes. I lean into him and place a soft, gentle kiss to his lips. His hand finds my hip and pulls me into him, his top leg draping over mine, hugging my lower body to his. I let my top leg fall intimately between his so we are flush together.

"Seriously, you are selfless to a fault. Most guys would have run screaming from that girl…but not you. You were ready to take on her and a child you weren't even sure was yours. Don't let this change who you think you are. You did everything you had to do and more, Peeta. All those other feelings are natural…but not the guilt over the miscarriage. That is all on Glimmer."

His hand comes up to cup the side of my face, his thumb tracing the line of my cheekbone and his nose brushing against mine before he collapses back on the grass again.

We are quiet for a while, just listening to each other breathe. Brutus lies with his head on Peeta's hip, eyeing me with droopy eyes. I reach my hand over to scratch behind his velvety ears. I can still feel a heaviness in the air. Something is weighing on him. Something more than just the miscarriage.

"This is where I spent most of my time growing up. This is the place I felt safest," he says suddenly.

Peeta never talks about his home life - ever. I know it wasn't good, just from my experience when his mom died, but I don't really have any more details. His choice of words sends a chill up my spine. I place my hand on his stomach, needing to touch him in some way. His hand covers mine, but he closes his eyes as he continues.

"Out of all of us, I was the one she ignored the most. She really wanted nothing to do with me. I was the mistake. I was supposed to be a girl. That's what she wanted. So, most of the time, as long as I stayed out of trouble, I went unnoticed and was left to my own devices. Marc, on the other hand, he was her golden boy - the only one of the three of us that she actually wanted. You'd think that would have made it easier on him - actually _being _wanted." He pauses to shake his head and lets out a sound akin to a laugh, but far from it. "No, she was so hard on him. She expected nothing less than perfection from him. If she didn't get it - well - it wasn't good. She was never one to spare the rod. That's why he's always so uptight. He couldn't make mistakes - ever - without paying for it."

"What's the deal with Alexa?"

"Marc and Lexi had been a secret thing for years…since they were kids. But mother didn't approve of her at all - said she was too trashy to be with a Mellark. There's nothing trashy about Alexa, but mother thought so because she grew up on the wrong side of town…and Marc, being Marc yielded to her will like he always did. He hurt Lexi over and over. I was surprised to see her here. I really was. She must really love him a lot to forgive him for all the shit he's put her through over the years."

I swallow thickly, not knowing what to say, but my words are unnecessary. The words continue to tumble from his mouth unbidden, like he unconsciously needs to free himself of an invisible weight he's been carrying around.

"And then there's Ryan… as much as Marc bent to her will, Ry wouldn't. He fought her every step of the way. Maybe that's why she never had the energy to deal with me. I don't know." He shrugs and this time he does laugh. Whether it's out of pride at Ryan's courage or stupidity, I don't know, but when he rolls back on his side to face me a sad smile graces his lips. I trace my finger over it, curiously. He kisses it softly.

"He'd bring girls home from all over town…he didn't discriminate at all…just so she'd catch him. I always felt so bad for the girls. She was so cruel to them with her biting words and profanities. He'd stay out all night, get wasted, you know, anything you can imagine to get into trouble, Ry would do it just to spite her. I remember the first time he came home with a tattoo. She went crazy - throwing things, shouting…even got the heavy marble rolling pin out...Dad had to physically remove her from the house that night. Ry was 15. We spent the night right here with a bottle of vodka. I was only 13 and she didn't even care I was gone…if she noticed at all."

My heart aches for him. I feel angry and sad and confused. I can only imagine what he felt like as a boy. It makes me want to wrap him in my arms and never let him go. I move closer, tracing the outline of the muscles under his shirt with my fingers. His hand comes up to tangle in the hair falling down my back.

"Where was your dad in all this? He seems like too much of a good person to let all that go on."

"That's the thing. Nothing bad ever happened when he was around. She was good at masking, for the most part. He knew she was hard on us, but he was too busy with the bakery and she made us feel like we deserved it, so we never really had the courage to tell...I don't know. I imagine it's why he never divorced her, too. Then we would have been left to just her mercy." He exhales long and loud, the pain of recounting his childhood evident in his sigh.

"When we were little we were too scared of her to say anything. When we got bigger - well, we were too big for her to beat us anymore. Then it just turned emotional. She used words to hurt us. She knew just how to use her words, too…We did our best to escape any way we could. Marc immersed himself in the bakery with Dad, and Ryan and I came here or went to friends' houses…or girls…there were always girls." He pauses and tentatively glances at me as if deciding if he wants to continue or not.

"The first time I had sex was right here in this park. It was the same week Ry got his tattoo." He says the last part sheepishly, peeking out at me from under a fringe of bangs hanging over his eyes as he lets that last part sink in.

My eyes get big and my mouth drops open when I realize what he just said. I can't hide how much that shocks me and I know the look on my face says everything that is stuck inside my throat because Peeta laughs at me.

"You…you were 13! I knew we had vastly different experience levels, but 13? How is it you managed this long with only one pregnancy scare?" My head is swimming. There is almost a 10 year difference in our experience levels. No wonder he's so good at it - all that experience coupled with his innate need to please makes him a genius in bed...and me, by default, one very lucky girl.

"I told you, I was always careful. Never went without my raincoat - ever."

"Thank god for that," I mumble.

I scrub my hands over my face trying to make sense of all the information he's thrown at me. I roll on my back and close my eyes. A picture of a bunch of little blond-headed, blue-eyed Peeta's running around town pops into my head and I have to shake it out. Ugh. 13! I can feel judgment creep in but I try hard to shove it down.

_My boyfriend is a long-time slut._

"Please don't judge me, Katniss," he says, as if reading my mind. "I was just a kid looking for…I don't know…I just needed to feel something. I needed to feel wanted by someone…and they made me feel that…most were actual relationships that lasted a while…some were fleeting, but not many."

I feel a twitch of jealously, but I quickly stomp on it. That was a long time ago. It has nothing to do with now and nothing to do with me. Plus, there are so many other things flowing through my mind, the one that stands out the most being anger. Not anger at him, he did what he had to do. Just anger at her for abandoning him like that. For making him feel unwanted and less than the amazing boy I see in front of me. A boy that would have done anything for her if he'd just been given the chance.

So much is making sense now. Why there were always so many girls since I've known him. Why he never wanted to go home on the weekends. Why he never talked about his mother. Why he's been so torn up over Glimmer and would never abandon a child that was his. Why he got so upset when I pushed him away the first time we came here after the accident. The words he used when he was so drunk and yelling at me ring in my ears, _Why else would I hang on to someone so completely emotionally unavailable to me?_

_I _made him feel unwanted. _I_ made him feel like his mother always had when I pushed him away. I had pushed him away for 3 years. Three fucking years. I feel awful. I feel terrible.

I'm no better than she was.

_I don't deserve him. I'll never deserve him._

"I'm so sorry," I say as a tear escapes my eye.

"Why are you sorry?" He catches the tear with his thumb and brings me closer to him.

"Because I did that to you, too. I made you feel unwanted. Every time I pushed you away…"

"Katniss, baby, I may not have had you the way I wanted, but I understood. Don't compare yourself to her. It's ludicrous," he says as he leans in and nuzzles my neck. His hot breath causes the tiny hairs to stand on end and sends shivers down my entire body.

"Besides, I know you want me now. Right?" he asks as his hand wanders the contours of my body and his lips tease the skin of my neck. I feel him smile against me when I gasp as his hand disappears into the stretchy fabric of my yoga pants and discovers just how much I really do want him. He fuses his mouth to mine and eases me back on the grass, shielding my body with his. His fingers circle and dip in me how he knows I like it and he brings me quickly to peak, shuddering and shaking underneath him, leaving me breathless, panting and more than a little fuzzy in the head.

I gulp as I realize what he just did to me in the middle of a park, under the bright, blue noontime sky.

"I love to watch you cum. You're so beautiful," he says with a big grin and twinkling eyes. I feel my face flame at his words and turn my head, avoiding his stare. He plants wet kisses over the skin I just fully exposed to him on my jaw and down my neck.

"You say things like that just to embarrass me, don't you?" I say shivering when he hit's the sweet spot behind my ear.

"Mmmhmm, but also because it's true." He turns my face back to him and kisses me again, his blue eyes still hazy with desire, hands creeping up my shirt, inching it up until the cool afternoon air brings me back to my senses.

I pull back slightly as what we just talked about slips back to the forefront of my mind. Understanding dawns on me as I realize that Peeta uses sex as a defense mechanism when he's feeling vulnerable. I still his roaming hands under mine and ease my shirt back down.

"Peeta, you know I want you for more than just sex, right?'

"Of course," he says softly, but his eyes don't meet mine, instead they remain fixed on our hands as he twists the ring circling my thumb.

My stomach sinks. I don't think he believes me. He always seems so strong and self-possessed on the outside. On the inside, however, he's just a boy looking for a place to belong. Somewhere to feel loved. My heart clutches. I wish I knew the right words to use to tell him how much he means to me, how much I need him. I wish I had his way with words so I could tell him he's everything to me. Everything I need and everything I want.

The sharp slam of car doors and voices pull our attention back to our surroundings. Happy shouts and playful screams echo over the field as the shrill screech of the swings fill the air and a father pushes a little flaxen haired girl up in the air.

"Higher, Daddy! Faster!" she yells, so happy to be out on a beautiful day with her father. Her mother is at the nearby picnic table with an infant snuggled into a car seat on top of the table. She waves as the little girl calls for her to watch, her smile shining and bright.

Peeta pulls me up to sit on the grass and tucks me close to his body, kissing my temple. He wraps his arm around my shoulder and Brutus noses his way under Peeta's other arm and we watch the happy family enjoy a day at the park. A bright smile covers his face and his eyes shine. This is what he wants. A family. Something to call his own. I can see the longing in his eyes.

My eyes travel the strong contours of his face. His eyes dance as he watches the little girl twirl and skip merrily around her father. I feel myself go soft inside and my heart stutters inside my chest. I don't really know if I'm ready for this. At least a few weeks ago I didn't think I wanted this. But when I look at him now and I see the difference between the sad, sullen boy he was just a few minutes ago and the joy and yearning I see in him now, I can't help but want to give him that.

He cuts his eyes down to me when he feels me watching him.

"What? What are you thinking about?" he asks quietly, leaning down to rub his stubbly jaw over my cheek. Suddenly I feel shy, like I've been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. My thoughts are so un-Katniss-like. I don't think about having kids. I don't think about marriage and family…at least I didn't. Now it seems like everything is falling into place. Everything that didn't make sense in my life, now seems to fit perfectly and it's him that makes the difference. He makes me want all these things.

I want all this with him.

"You. I'm just thinking about you and how much I love you."

The smile that overtakes his face is breathtaking. Yeah, there's no doubt in my mind what I want now. I want to see that smile every day for the rest of my life. I want to make a family with him and grow old with him.

I want everything.

* * *

_You know I'd fall apart without you_  
_ I don't know how you do what you do_  
_ 'Cause everything that don't make sense about me_  
_ Makes sense when I'm with you_  
_ Like everything that's green, girl I need you_  
_ But it's more than one and one makes two_  
_ Put aside the math and the logic of it_  
_ You gotta know you're wanted too_

_ 'Cause I wanna wrap you up_  
_ Wanna kiss your lips_  
_ I wanna make you feel wanted_  
_ And I wanna call you mine_  
_ Wanna hold your hand forever_  
_ Never let you forget it_  
_ Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted_

_ Anyone can tell you you're pretty_  
_ (Yeah)_  
_ You get that all the time, I know you do_  
_ But your beauty's deeper than the makeup_  
_ And I wanna show you what I see tonight_

_ When I wrap you up_  
_ When I kiss your lips_  
_ I wanna make you feel wanted_  
_ And I wanna call you mine_  
_ Wanna hold your hand forever_  
_ Never let you forget it_  
_ 'Cause baby I wanna make you feel wanted_

_ As good as you make me feel_  
_ I wanna make you feel better_  
_ Better than your fairy tales_  
_ Better than your best dreams_  
_ You're more than everything I need_  
_ You're all I ever wanted_  
_ All I ever wanted_

_ And I just wanna wrap you up_  
_ Wanna kiss your lips_  
_ I wanna make you feel wanted_  
_ And I wanna call you mine_  
_ Wanna hold your hand forever_  
_ Never let you forget it_  
_ Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted_  
_ Yeah, baby I wanna make you feel -_  
_ Wanted_  
_ 'Cause you'll always be wanted_

_~Wanted, by Hunter Hayes_

* * *

_I don't usually use song lyrics, but this song just fits Katniss and Peeta in this story so perfectly. It's all I've been listening to this week._

_I miss Finn, so we'll be saying goodbye to the Mellark men and returning to campus in the next chapter._

_Thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate anything you have to say…makes me stay focused and ready to write._


	13. Chapter 13

I watch Peeta through the front window of the house. He's leaning on the hood of the jeep with his phone pressed to his ear, arms crossed over his chest, listening, shaking his head. His eyes have lost the sparkle that filled them when we walked through the woods to the house after the morning at the park. He'd been on the verge of happiness again, a burden having been lifted from him after the retelling of his childhood. I feel closer to him now that I have this knowledge. I understand him better and feel the thread connecting us tightening, drawing us together.

His phone rang just as we were stepping onto the patio and his face filled with apprehension when he saw who was calling. Glimmer.

"I should take this," he said, his tone apologetic as he lifted the phone to his ear and backed away from me to walk around the front of the house. My insides clenched as I watched the sadness and guilt fill his eyes again.

I wish I knew how to elevate some of his pain, carry some of it for him, but I know I can't. This is a journey he has to take by himself. I can be there for him. I can provide him solace and an ear to listen, but this is ultimately his burden to bear.

"I'm going to tell my brother he has a creeper as a girlfriend." Ryan chuckles as I jump at the sound of his voice.

"Jeez, Ryan, do you always have to sneak up on me like that?"

"It's more fun that way."

I don't turn to him, though. Instead, I remain by the window watching as Peeta turns to lean his elbows on the hood of the Jeep, one hand massaging his temple tiredly and then running through his hair. I see his shoulders heave as he brings his hand up to wipe harshly at his eyes. My heart cracks open at that sight and my feet start to carry me to the door but Ryan's warm hand on my arm stops me.

"I'm worried about him," I say, anger filling my voice and causing it to crack. I soften, though, when I look up at him. His eyes hold the same worry mine do.

"I am too, but he needs to do this. _They_ have to do this."

I draw in a long, shaky breath, my shoulders falling in defeat. "I just don't know what I'm supposed to do."

He looks at me, eyebrows knitting together. "Here, come on," he says, reaching for my hand. I look down at our hands as he tugs me away from the window. "You can be my guinea pig for this new Italian bread I'm trying out for a restaurant in town." He chatters on about the new restaurant and all the different variations he's tried on the simple, classic bread style, obviously trying to take my mind off of the scene in the driveway. I appreciate the gesture. I was starting to tie myself into knots with worry.

"I brought this home for dinner tonight, but I don't think anyone will mind if a little is gone." He cuts a slice off the baguette and slides it in front of me on a paper towel. It's still warm and it practically melts in my mouth, the outside hard while the inside is warm and soft. I groan my approval as I take another bite.

"Here, try this…it's even better dipped in this." His eyes dance as he takes a small carafe of oil and herbs and pours it on a small plate he retrieved from the cabinet behind him.

I drag my slice through the oil and pop it in my mouth. The flavor explodes in my mouth.

"Wow!" I say when I finally swallow. "This is amazing…you made all this?" He nods, a bright smile lighting his face. He's really handsome when he smiles. He should do it more often.

"You belong at the bakery," I say, licking my fingers.

"I know," he says cockily, a dimple winking at me as he speaks. "I'm glad to be back."

"It's easier now?" I question.

"You have no idea," he says on a long sigh. "I always liked it there with my dad. I enjoyed the work and I hated I let him down so much…I just couldn't give in. It's against my nature. I'm not naturally good like Peeta or a push-over like Marc.

"You're not nice?" I question, teasingly.

"So they tell me," he says with a wink. I think he's wrong, though. The Ryan I have seen these past couple of days _is_ nice. He is fun and kind and I'm proven right when Alexa walks in.

His mouth tugs up into another blinding smile as the back door opens and Alexa walks through, her arms loaded with 2 paper bags of groceries. Ryan lets out a whoop of laughter, sets the bags on the counter and takes her in his arms, swinging her in a wide circle. She laughs heartily at him.

"Put me down, you animal! You're getting me all floury!" I hadn't even noticed his shirt. It's caked with flour. He must have just gotten off work at the bakery.

"Marc told me…congratulations…it's about time something good happens to this family." I look back and forth between the two of them, confusion filling me. I have no idea what is going on. I clear my throat to remind them I am here and they turn to me, mirth permeating the air. I smile in anticipation.

"What's going on?" I say in a whisper. I feel like I've been left out of some great secret. Alexa smiles sheepishly at me, but happiness is apparent in her gaze.

"We weren't going to say anything yet because of everything going on with Peeta, but this big ape doesn't seem to know how to keep his mouth shut…"

"…but Marc knocked her up…,"Ryan finishes for her. She swats him in the arm and says his name with an exasperated groan.

My hand immediately flies up to cover my mouth when I gasp. She's positively glowing with the news and I feel true happiness for this woman I barely know. This is the difference between the unwanted and the wanted. For Marc and Alexa this means the start of something new, something beautiful. This is the start of a family like the one Peeta and I watched at the park just an hour ago. I gathered from what Peeta told me this morning that they've been waiting for this chance for a very long time. It's so very different from the anxiety and dread we had been feeling for the last few weeks. This is something blooming in their hearts rather than hanging over their heads.

I can see why they would feel uneasy about telling Peeta. I know he would be happy for them. He would never begrudge them anything, but this will take its toll on him in a different way.

"Congratulations! This is wonderful news!"

"What's wonderful news?" Peeta asks, startling me as he wraps his arms around my waist and settles his chin on the top of my head. I didn't know he'd come in, and by the looks on Ryan and Alexa's faces, they didn't see him either. Alexa cuts her eyes at Ryan telling him to keep his mouth shut. None of us know what to say, our eyes dancing between each other waiting for someone to say something, but it's Peeta who continues.

"Come on, guys, what's so wonderful. I could really use some wonderful right now…did Marc finally ask you to marry him?" His voice is shaking a bit and his arms are like vices around my waist.

"Not exactly," Marc says walking in from the other room. "Lexi is pregnant, Peet." He says quietly, clapping a hand on Peeta's shoulder. I feel him stiffen all around me for a moment but he relaxes almost immediately. I can feel him pull himself together, like a tide ebbing back in on itself.

He clears his throat and says to Marc, "That is good news, congrats, man." He releases me and makes his way to where Alexa stands by the refrigerator, pulling her in for a tight hug. Before he lets her go he whispers something in her ear. She blushes and leans in to kiss him on the cheek.

Alexa and I are finishing up the dishes when she asks how Peeta is. I've been watching him all evening trying to gauge his reaction to the news but he has seemed shockingly normal. He's taken all of Ryan's jabs about being a better uncle than father in stride - even though I thought they were crass and harsh. I even kicked Ryan under the table a couple of times only to receive a "What?" and an innocent shoulder shrug in return. Maybe it's just the dynamic between the brothers that I don't understand that Peeta is completely used to, but while Ryan is always throwing jabs and attitude around, Marc seems to treat his brother with kid gloves. He seems to walk on eggshells whenever faced with anything uncomfortable, and Peeta just accepts it all as if it's perfectly normal.

"He seems to be taking everything in stride," I say to her. I try to push a stray strand of hair from my face with my forearm since my hands are covered with bubbles and then turn to look more fully at her. "I've always had a hard time reading him, though. He's very good at hiding what he's feeling…but I think he's genuinely happy for you guys. Maybe it will take his mind off the miscarriage."

"I hope so. He's always been like a little brother to me and I hate to see him hurting like this. It seems so unfair for this to happen to such a sweet boy, you know?"

I can only nod my head and try to steer the conversation away from Peeta and ask her questions about her pregnancy instead. I don't really know Alexa all that well and I feel uncomfortable talking to her about such a delicate situation, especially with Peeta in the next room. Although with the way they are shouting at the football game they are watching, I doubt he would hear anything we said.

The more she talks, though, the more her sapphire eyes sparkle and shine. She speaks of the house they are buying and all the little baby clothes she can't help but buy every time she goes to a store. She's so happy and proud. There is no anxiety or apprehension in her. She is perfectly content, jubilant even. When her hand strokes the place where her baby is, I think this is how it's supposed to be.

This is what happiness looks like.

* * *

I'm surprised to find Annie and Finn in the living room watching a chick flick when we arrive home after the long drive back to Panem. They are sitting close, but not too close. Not close enough for Finn, I'm sure. Annie has strategically placed a pillow between them and is leaning on it rather than on Finn. His arm is on the back of the couch, but he's not touching her. This is so very odd. We seem to have missed a lot during our voluntary exile.

"Hi guys," I say over the noise of the movie. "What's going on?" It looks like they are watching the new Kate Hudson movie…so not the type of movie Finn would normally be caught dead watching on a Sunday evening…especially when there is Sunday Night Football to be watched.

Finn's eyes leap to mine and he jumps off the couch and envelopes me in a big bear hug.

"I'm so glad you're home! How are you feeling?" He says loudly, and then in my ear as he lifts me off the ground, "Please help me. I'm failing here…miserably."

"Hey, man!" Peeta says as he comes through the door with our bags. "You got the game on?" He peaks into the living room to see what's playing on the TV and sees Annie. His eyes get big with surprise and he turns to Finn, a smirk lifting his mouth. I can see the jab perched on his lips.

"I told him we could watch football, but he insisted on a movie," Annie calls from the living room. I cover my mouth before the laughter I feel bubbling up inside me escapes. Finn is trying so hard to impress her it's almost comical. _Wow! _Peeta mouths to me.

"Alrighty, then," Peeta says trying to stifle his laughter. "Finn, come help me with the bags." He nudges me toward Annie and then drags Finn out of the house. I would love to hear what they are saying, but I need to find out what is going on with Annie. I practically skip into the room and plop myself down next to her, a bright smile covering my face.

"So?" I ask, dragging the word out. "Whatchyadoin'?"

She shrugs and then turns to me, pulling her knee up onto the couch.

"I saw him the other day and he invited me over when I asked when you'd be home. I wanted to see how you were," she says grabbing my hand. "How are you? I heard about the hospital and then about Glimmer. Is Peeta ok?" I raise my eyebrow at her, not buying her story at all. She could have just called. I lift my chin and peer at her, my lips pursed.

"Mmm hmm," I say, but I let her off the hook…for a moment anyway. "We're fine. We had a nice few days away. Peeta's dealing the best he can…but, really…why are you _really _here, Annie? I thought you didn't like Finn." I implore.

She exhales loudly, dropping her head into her hands. I nudge her with my knee and she peers at me sideways through her fingers and huffs out another long breath.

"I just don't know what to think about him, Katniss. I seem to see him everywhere I go lately and he's actually been nice. He's dropped his Don Juan act and has actually been quite charming."

"He's a nice guy, Annie."

"So you keep saying…I just don't trust guys like him. I've been burned before by guys like him and I am just not interested in it happening again."

"I don't think that will happen. And I would warn you off if I thought it would. Really. I like you too much to let you walk into something I thought wouldn't be good. I've known him for a long time and he's different with you."

"I don't know." She shakes her head as if trying to clear her thoughts. "When I'm with him I feel myself being sucked in. It's his eyes. The way he looks at me." She struggles with her next words, wondering if she should say them out loud.

"Katniss, I see his eyes in my _dreams_."

I steeple my hands in front of my face and, try as I might, I can't keep the smile from my lips. She feels the same way he does! Now if I can just get them to stop getting in their own way…

"Oh, Annie, this is great news," I say softly. "You would be so great together. You balance each other out so well. Give him a chance…truly…"

"You think?" she questions softly. I nod my head.

The boys come in carrying the rest of our things and laughing.

"Boys, I think we should do a double date this week," I say. Finn's eyes light up, but Peeta groans. Finn kicks him and says, "Dude!"

"Excellent idea!" Finn says and sits back down next to Annie who has moved the pillow to her other side and leans into Finn's side. He smiles brightly at me and eases his arm around her shoulders, tentatively.

"If I have to babysit you, Finn, then I'm watching the game," Peeta says, grabbing the remote off the table. "Sorry, Annie."

"No, that's fine. I'd like to see who's winning anyway."

"You like football?" Finn asks her.

"You'd know that if you weren't trying so hard to impress me," Annie jokes, poking him in the side.

I slide my arms around Peeta's shoulders as he perches on the edge of the chair with his hands on his knees flipping through the channels to find the game.

"I'm going to go up and shower." I whisper into his ear.

"OK. I'll be up in a minute." His phone dings in his pocket and he groans. "I just need to talk to Finn for a minute…if I can pry him away from Annie, that is…whatever you said to her seems to have worked."

* * *

I spent the entire ride back to Panem day dreaming about things I never thought I would ever think about and now I'm doing the same thing as I stand naked in front of the floor length mirror in Peeta's room. It seems like I am being bombarded with thoughts of children and I can't stop them. It is unnerving and putting me very much ill at ease. I feel like my feelings for Peeta and this relationship are spinning out of my control. I can't talk to Peeta about this. He's got too much going on and it seems pretty insensitive to bring up children when he feels like he just lost one. Plus, we haven't even been dating for that long. It's just happening all too fast.

But, still, I can't stop the thoughts.

I am lost in thought, rubbing my hands over my belly like I saw Alexa doing all evening, trying to imagine what I would look like pregnant when Peeta approaches me and slides his arms around me, settling his chin on my shoulder. I had hoped he would join me in the shower but he took a little longer with Finn than I expected. It probably had something to do with the 3 texts he got on the drive home. All, no doubt, from Glimmer.

He kisses my neck just above my collarbone and whispers, "What were you thinking about, babe?" His lips hover right above the rim of my ear and send shivers right to my core. His hands traveling down and tangling in the short wisps of hair isn't helping either.

My head falls back against his shoulder as he continues to nibble at the flesh of my throat. He knows it drives me insane when he does that.

"Tell me what you were thinking about, Katniss," he mumbles against my skin.

"Peeta," I groan. "I can't even think when you do that, let alone speak."

His hands stop their ministrations and he stops the assault on my neck. Peeta wants to talk tonight. Being the coward I am, I briefly consider turning into him and pushing him back on the bed to avoid this conversation. However, we told each other we would talk about things and even though I don't want to, I can't lie to him now.

"I was just thinking. It's not a big deal. I just keep having all these weird thoughts with everything going on."

"What kind of weird thoughts? Why were your hands here?" He asks, rubbing his hands over my abdomen. He knows why. I can see it in his eyes as they gaze out at me from the mirror. They are hooded and soft, but I can also see him warring with himself whether he wants to talk or jump into bed.

"I don't know…I don't really want to say, Peeta. It seems wrong and insensitive right now."

"I want to hear everything you're thinking about, Kat. It doesn't matter if it's insensitive."

"It's just…ugh…you know… with Lexi so happy and the look on your face when we were watching that family and then again when Marc and Lexi told you they were pregnant…I just…I want to see your face like that all the time." I pause feeling completely exposed. "I want to give you that." It comes out as a barely audible whisper. I'm feeling ridiculously vulnerable right now standing completely nude and talking about something that makes me feel like my heart is on the outside of my body ready to be torn apart. I try to turn into him so I can hide my face in his chest, but his big hands remain firmly on my hips keeping me in place.

"You don't even want kids, Katniss." His eyes don't leave mine and I squirm under his scrutiny. How can I explain something I don't fully understand myself?

"I never did. You're right, but…ooohh," I groan as his hands creep up and his thumbs brush the undersides of my breasts causing my nipples to immediately harden. I see him smirk in the mirror. He's not playing fair.

"But?" He breathes into my ear.

How can I form words when he does this to me? I can barely speak under normal circumstances, let alone when he does that.

"But, I can see them, Peeta." I gasp as he rolls a tight nipple in his fingers, his lips pulling on my ear lobe.

"I can see a blond haired, grey eyed boy or a dark haired little girl with your beautiful eyes chasing you around a playground like the girl at the park." I pause when he finally lifts his eyes to mine in the mirror, his hands only making small movements over my stomach now. I've got his attention.

"I can see them and it fills me with hope and promise and I know it's because of you. You make me want these things, Peeta. You."

His hands start roaming my body again and he plants a line of deep, wet kisses up the line of my shoulder and to my ear.

"Nothing would make me happier than to have you carry our children, Katniss." His hands splay over the place where a child would be and his arms hug me tightly. "Nothing. But not now, right?"

His fingers dip lower and I suck in a long breath through my teeth.

"No, not now… not now." My thoughts are becoming blurry and muddled. I reach my hands behind me and fumble with the button of his jeans and awkwardly try to push them down. He uses one hand to help me, but keep the other splayed across me keeping me pressed to him. When he kicks them and his boxers away his hand snakes around me and down between my legs.

"Let's just enjoy being us for awhile. There's no hurry. Nothing standing in our way now. Just us." He spreads me and his groan vibrates throughout my whole body when he finds the wetness pooled in me.

He turns my head to him with his right hand while the fingers of his left stroke me. He captures my mouth in a deep, open mouthed kiss, his tongue sweeping through my mouth at the same time two of his fingers curl up in me.

"Now we just practice…and practice…and practice." He punctuates his words with strokes of his fingers and swipes of his tongue. He steps back toward the bed, pulling me with him, his hands never leaving my body.

He settles himself at the end of the bed directly in front of the large, full-length mirror and pulls me into his lap. I feel him hard and long across my back. He moves his thighs between mine and presses his knees outward, spreading me . He hooks his calves around my feet for leverage. My thoughts are too fuzzy with anticipation to care about the position we are in. I'm already too lost in the feel of his fingers sliding in and out of me and his hot breath caressing my skin to feel any embarrassment.

When he has me where he wants me he pulls his fingers slowly out of me and brings them to my mouth. I open for him and for the first time I taste myself. He lets out a guttural, animal sound as he watches me lick the tangy wetness off his fingers.

When I release his fingers he moves his hand to my face and directs it to look in the mirror.

"Watch," he murmurs into my ear, "I want you to see what I see." He moves his hands to my hips and lifts me. I use my legs for balance as he positions himself at my entrance. My head falls back as I feel him brush against me. His left hand tightens on my hip.

"Watch," he says again, this time with more force behind his voice. It's not a request. I feel a fire ignite inside me at his demand. I lift my head and do as he says. I gasp as I watch his hands slowly push my hips down and he disappears inside me.

He sets a slow, steady pace, rolling his hips up into mine over and over. My feet and ankles are wound around his calves and I use that leverage to lift my hips, matching the movement he's making, and slide myself up and down his shaft. My head wants to lull back and my eyes want to close but his right hand is holding me so I can't move my head even a fraction. His teeth scrape the flesh of my neck causing my breath to hitch.

I am mesmerized by the sight of his entire length disappearing into me. I reach back with my left hand to tangle my fingers in his sweat-dampened hair. My legs are beginning to shake and my breath is coming out in shallow, uneven gasps.

I run my tongue over my parched lips and I feel him moan into my ear. My eyes leave the place we are joined and find his looking back at mine in the mirror. A wicked, incredibly sexy grin overtakes his face and I begin to shudder around him.

There is something about the angle and the curve of him that has him sliding across my sweet spot with every stroke. I am so close. Everything is condensing to that one spot and I can't keep my eyes from rolling back into my head. The pleasure is just too intense. I don't know how much more of this I can take. He's hitting that spot with every stroke now. My body is humming and I'm barely able to take in a breath.

His hand tightens on my neck again and my eyes snap open.

"Watch."

"I can't…I'm about to…"

"I know. I can feel you tightening around me. But I want you to see yourself come." His voice is strained and I know he's holding himself back. He's close too.

"Watch."

He takes my earlobe between his teeth and makes me focus again. I drag my eyes back to the mirror and to the spot where we are connected.

_Oh God. It's too much._

The pressure hits its boiling point and ignites a blaze of fire in me starting at that one tiny point and rolling throughout my entire body and out my toes and fingertips. He holds my hips down and circles his fingers over my nerves with intense pressure as I shiver and shake all around him. The waves of pleasure roll through me and I watch myself arch into him and my mouth drop open as I gasp for air. My face is flushed and some of my hair is stuck to my face and I can't find a coherent thought in my head.

"You. Are. Perfect." he breathes into me. He rips off his shirt and tosses it over his head. With the aftershocks still rocking me he lifts me slightly and sets me on the floor on my hands and knees in front of the mirror. He is still inside me and begins slowly slamming himself into me, bringing himself almost completely out in one long, hard stroke after another.

"Touch…yourself, Katniss." My name leaves him on a hiss. "Make yourself come again." I don't really think I need to. He's going to do it for me again anyway, but I do as he tells me and bring my fingers up to rub over my clit. My fingers feel him also and I hear his breath hitch as they graze over him where we are joined. His movements speed up and his breath is much more labored as he nears the cliff. I watch him in the mirror. His muscles strain with each movement, flexing and contracting, dancing under his skin. His strong, square jaw is clenched as he grapples for control, trying desperately to hold on just a little longer.

With one more stroke I am catapulted into another fiery orgasm as he holds my hips tightly to his and empties himself into me on one long moan of pleasure.

He leans over me and wipes his sweaty forehead over the back of my shoulder. He jerks his hips into me one more time for good measure and shudders again.

"I love you so fucking much, Katniss." he says on a chuckle. "Good God, that was fucking amazing."

He's heavy and my arms and legs are shaking. I don't know if I can hold him up any longer. I squeak at him, still unable to form words and he circles his arms around me and pulls me back so I am sitting in his lap on the floor. He nuzzles his face in my hair, breathing deeply.

"You ok?" he asks as I sag into him. I can only nod my response. I feel him smile against me.

"I see lots and lots of practice in our future," he says as he lifts me and carries my limp and thoroughly used body back to the bed.

* * *

_This chapter was fun to write. I hope you enjoyed it! Let me know your thoughts...good or bad._

_Catch me over on Tumblr: LibertySue dot tumblr dot com  
_


	14. Chapter 14

Peeta is surrounded by a mountain of books piled all over our bed when I come home from my first run since "the incident." It was short - only 2 miles, but it was nice to be back on the roads again. My hopes of running a full marathon have been dashed, but there's always next year and, while I don't plan to train hard, I at least need to keep up with a moderate schedule to keep myself in shape for when I do train again. Peeta wasn't all that thrilled with my decision to run again, but I have been feeling really good the last few days and I just wanted to get myself back into a routine.

I look at some of the titles scattered around him: The Way and It's Power, Tao Te Ching, The Tao and the Tao Te Ching.

"Heavy stuff," I say while flipping through a couple. Lau Tzo. I took this class as a freshman and found it fascinating.

"Why do I have to take these stupid classes," he says with a petulant, frustrated sigh. His hair is standing straight up at different angles all over his head. He keeps raking his fingers through his hair and tapping his pencil on his jaw, like all of life's answers would suddenly appear if he just keeps tapping. He looks adorable, even if his scowl is deeper than mine usually is.

"I just want to teach kids to draw and play baseball. I don't really care what some ancient philosopher had to say 2000 years ago. I just want to do my student teaching and get the fuck out of this place. I'm done with Panem."

He hurls a wadded up piece of paper at his trashcan across the room and it bounces off the rim. He curses softly under his breath and leans forward and settles his head in his hands, tension coming off him in waves.

His mood has gotten progressively worse this week. Peeta has always been one of those people who moves through life with an easy grace, always quick with a joke and slow to anger. Lately, though, he's been very moody and sullen. I know he's having a hard time dealing with the miscarriage. Glimmer has been calling him a lot and he's trying to help her the best he can. I don't exactly agree with everything he's doing and I think she is manipulating him and taking advantage of his kindness, but I'm trying to give him the space he needs to deal with it.

We've both been extremely busy since we got back to Panem. Trying to find time to talk is like trying to hold water in your hands. When we do actually find time to spend together I usually find myself on my back with him moving inside me. Not exactly time for a heart to heart about babies and ex-girlfriends.

"The semester is almost over. We're almost there," I say as I crawl up behind him and start rubbing his knot-laden shoulders.

"If I make it out of this semester." It's a quiet statement and if I wasn't so close to him I don't think I would have heard him. He hangs his head low. I lean my head on his back and circle my arms around him, hugging him close.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean - I've barely been to any of my classes. I mean - I haven't done any of the work. I mean - I'm probably going to fail all my classes this semester, lose my eligibility and flunk out of college." He's getting angrier with each statement, the anger and frustration rolling off him in waves. He crumples more paper up and hurls each one more harshly than the last toward the can.

"With all the shit that's been thrown at me this semester I just can't keep up. And now Snow says if I miss one more practice, I'm off the team…but it doesn't really matter, because I'm going to lose my eligibility anyway because of my grades!" He presses the heels of his hands tightly into his eye sockets and then scrubs his hands roughly over his entire face.

"I'm fucking drowning, Katniss."

I'm stunned. He hasn't said anything about school. I just assumed he was doing fine.

"Why didn't you say something?" I say softly, rubbing his back and hoping he'll calm down and really talk to me.

"When was I supposed to say something? When you're lying in a hospital bed? Or my during my mother's funeral? While you're at work or I'm at practice? We don't exactly do much talking…a lot of fighting and fucking…but not much talking." I gasp at him, hurt by the sharp slap of his words. I tell myself it's just the stress he's under - that he doesn't really mean it, but it doesn't make it sting any less.

I pull my hands from around him and begin to move off the bed, my temper quickening. He lays a hand on my knee before I can get away.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." I pull my knee away harshly and stand beside the bed. I can feel the anger welling up inside of me. _Fighting and Fucking?_ There's more to us than that. Isn't there?

"What the hell _did_ you mean, Peeta?" I say, my voice raised, but not quite a shout. It's taking everything in me not to rise to the bait and just start shouting at him. I can feel the blood racing through my veins and my head is beginning to pound. I really don't want to fight with him. I'd rather help him, but the tether on my emotions is unraveling quickly.

"Nothing. Never mind. I'm sorry."

His iPhone dings. He doesn't look at it before he hurls it angrily across the room. I jump as it bounces off the far wall.

"Who was that?" I ask, the delicate hold on my temper slowly slipping from my grasp.

"I'm sure it was Snow or Glimmer. I can't deal with them now. Look, I said I was sorry. Can we drop it?" He's annoyed and angry and begins flipping through one of the books scattered around him. My blood is boiling. He cannot speak to me that way and then just expect me to drop it.

"You know, this is completely unfair," I begin, my hands shaking as I point in his direction. "You always push me to talk to you, saying you need to feel needed and wanted. And I get that…I do."

I drag in a shaky breath. The last thing I want to do is burst into angry tears.

"So, even though it's not easy for me, I've been trying to be more open with you. That whole conversation the other night about children was very difficult for me. I don't like feeling that vulnerable…even with you. But when you hold back, it's not fair. You know you can keep things from me because you know I won't press. It's not who I am. You know I'll give you space if you need it. You know I'm not going to pressure you or … or…_sex_ you into telling me things."

"I don't do that. That's not true," he says softly, eyes never meeting mine.

"Isn't it?" I let my words hang in the air a bit. He doesn't try to deny it again, but he doesn't say anything else either.

"Look, I can help you with your classes, Peeta. I've already taken them as a requirement for my major. All you have to do is ask," I say exasperated. He still doesn't say anything, instead he turns away from me. I hate it when he does this. He's making me feel like a shrew with his silence, but I'm just too mad to stop.

I move to the other side of the bed so he has to look at me and I point my finger sharply at his phone lying on the floor. "And why is she still calling all the time? She's not your responsibility. _She's_ not your girlfriend!" His eyes snap to mine. I watch him push down his anger.

"You wouldn't understand," He mumbles, sagging back against the pillows.

"You're goddamned right I wouldn't understand. How am I supposed to when you won't even let me try?"

"Look, Katniss, can we not do this right now? I said I was sorry. I don't need anymore stress. I need to get this paper done. Can you just let it go?" His voice is clipped and even, his emotions leashed by an iron fist.

I feel everything inside me shut down at his dismissal. Everything inside me turns rigid and cold.

I turn on my heels and stalk out the door without another word.

I'm search through all the files in my closet cursing Peeta with every word I can think of and a few made up ones as well.

_Bastard, who the hell does he think he is dismissing me like that? Fucker. Mother fucking cock sucker…_

I kneel down in the very back of the closet and pull out the last box of filed papers I have. My knee hits the only pair of spiked heels I own. Searing pain radiates up my leg from where it stabbed me.

"Damn it!" I shout and throw the offending shoe over my shoulder with every bit of strength I can muster .

"Whoa! Easy there, Catnip. What's gotten in to you?" Gale says. When I glance over my shoulder at him, I see him lazily leaning on the door to my closet turning my shoe over in his hand. He lifts his eyebrows and gives an approving grin at the shoe and says, "Very nice…sexy."

"Whatever. What do you want?" I turn back to my box, thumbing my way through the files. I pull the one I want out and stand, rubbing my sore knee.

"What's up with you? Trouble in paradise?"

"Not your business, Gale," I snarl, pushing him out of the way.

"Damn, I feel like I should warn him."

"Not in the mood, Gale!" I sing-song as I walk out the door and head back upstairs.

"Come grab some food with me, I need to talk to you." I hear him say as I walk up the steps to Peeta's room.

"In a minute." I call back to him.

I push open the door to the attic room. Peeta's still sprawled on the book-laden bed, but he's just staring at the ceiling, head pillowed by his hands. My footsteps echo throughout the room as I stomp over the hardwoods to the bed and throw the folder at him. I turn back around, not giving him time to say anything and march toward the door. I'm still seething inside.

"That's my paper and notes on Lau Tzo. Do with it what you want," I call over my shoulder, slamming the door with a flourish before I stomp my way back down the two flights of stairs to the kitchen.

"Sandwich?" Gale says, waving a knife at me, indicating the piles of meat, cheeses and vegetables he has scattered around the counter before him. I nod my head and pull a couple pieces of bread from a bag and begin to assemble a turkey and cheese sandwich. He cuts his monster sandwich, which is so big there is no way I'd ever get my mouth around it, and hands me the knife so I can slather some mayonnaise over my bread.

He takes a huge bite of his turkey on rye and eyes me as he chews, his eyebrows screwed together. His eyebrows raise and his chewing slows as I slam the large serrated knife over my bread and start sawing at my sandwich with jerky, determined movements.

"I'm pretty sure it's dead," he says between bites. He jerks his head toward the stairs. "What'd he do?"

"Nothing." I don't bother looking at him. Rather, I turn my back and pull a water out of the fridge.

"Looks like something to me."

"Drop it, Gale." My voice holds a warning which he kindly heeds. He clears his throat and tries several times to say something.

"Um, so, ah…" I glance at him curiously. It's not like Gale to fumble with words. He's usually very straight forward and to the point. I cock my head to the side and motion with the knife to continue.

"Uh, yeah." He clears his throat again.

"Jeez, Gale, just spit it out."

"OK. I talked to Rory the other night." My stomach clenches and my hand tightens around the knife. He notices and moves to pry it out of my hand. He places it in the sink behind me, but keeps my hand in his.

"And…"

"And they're getting married…in June…right after they get out of school."

"What! Why?" I pound him on the chest with the side of my fist, overcome with the need to hit someone.

"Um, because they love each other?" He releases my other hand and rubs the place I hit. "Why'd you hit me?"

"Because I want to hit him and you're the closest thing. Did he get her pregnant?"

"I don't think so, no." I move to the table and slump down on the chair. He sits across from me, still rubbing the place where I knocked him.

"Why didn't she call me?" He gives me a pointed look. "She should have called me," I mumble quietly, more to myself than to him.

Things haven't really been all that great between us the last few years. We talk. Mostly about her schooling and occasionally about mom, but the topic of love and Gale's little brother rarely comes up. The day I caught them in the act was not my finest hour. It was just a few short weeks after Gale and I broke up and I may have flown off the handle just a little. Ok, a lot…but I thought we had gotten past that. It seems I've really messed things up with my baby sister. She doesn't even feel comfortable enough anymore to tell me the most important news of her life. She doesn't need me anymore. I feel a hollow sadness overcome me.

I don't even notice Gale is still talking to me.

"Katniss!" I jump in my seat as he shouts my name.

"What!"

"As I was saying…the other thing I wanted to talk to you about…" I give him a look that says "_there's more?"_

"We got a gig coming up. Capitol Beer and Music Festival. Next weekend." He pauses and takes a swallow of his beer. "Do you want to sing with us? Capitol is still interested, they want us in the studio after the show. There are going to be a lot of great bands." I groan.

"Gale, I told you I didn't want to do it."

"I know, and we've been looking for someone else, but no one compares to you, Catnip. Just give it a try . It'll be a pretty good crowd, you'll see, it's not too bad." I groan again loudly, frowning my displeasure.

"I don't like being the center of attention, Gale. You know that." My voice is low and pleading with a hint of whine, and while the thought of singing in front of a big crowd scares me to death, I know in the end I'll say yes.

Gale knows it too.

"I swear, if you don't want to do it after this weekend, we'll use someone else…I swear." I look at him incredulously and sigh. My mind wanders upstairs to the man I just fought with. My eyes flicker unconsciously to the stairs. I still haven't told him about the record. With everything else going on it honestly slipped my mind. I can't imagine it's going to go over well. It will be just one more thing for us to worry and fight about.

Gale rolls his eyes.

"Forget about him, Catnip. Does he consult you on everything he does?" I let out a sound that is something akin to a growl.

"Don't push it, Gale," I warn.

"So, you'll do it?" A big, gleaming smile covers his face. He knows he has me.

"Yeah, I'll do it," I mumble. I shrug him off when he comes over and gives me a tight one-armed hug and quickly kisses my temple before he heads back down to the basement. I'm left feeling a strange mixture of sadness and discontent rolled up in a sheet of bitterness.

I don't go back to Peeta.

Instead, I go up to my room, switch on my TV and try to take my mind off the amalgam of feelings I still feel rolling through me. While I try to make sense of everything, I find myself restlessly moving about my room picking up stray pieces of clothing that have found their way to the floor even though I am rarely in here anymore. Most of my clothes are tucked away in Peeta's closet or in one of his drawers, but when I come down here to find something, I often don't bother picking up after myself. It's a bad habit that I have tried to overcome now that I've basically moved into Peeta's perfectly polished room.

"Hey, honey. What are you doing down here?" Madge asks quietly when she sticks her head in the doorway of our adjoining bathroom. I'm so far inside my head that I jump and throw a handful of socks into the air when I hear her voice. She giggles at the expression on my face as I try to juggle the raining balls of socks.

I consider confiding in her about the fight with Peeta. That's what girlfriends are for, right? I just don't want to bring anyone else into it. It wouldn't be fair to either of them. So, I wipe all the emotion I can from my face and tell her Peeta has a paper due and needs some quiet time. It's not a lie, but it's not exactly the truth either. She holds my eyes for a second, searching my face for trouble, before she lays down on my bed with a magazine. She tries to make inane conversation about the show I'm not really watching and the articles she's not really reading. When that doesn't work she goes into my closet and rifles through the few articles of clothing I still have hanging in there. She picks out a cute little flowing green dress and jean jacket that I never wear and hangs them on the outside of the door.

"You need to wear this, Katniss. With your legs, you'd look amazing. Peeta would love it." I wrinkle my nose.

"I'm not much of a dress person…besides where would I wear that?"

"Anywhere," she states as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. Maybe it is for her, but it's not for the fashion dense person I am. "To class, on a date, hell…to the library. It's adorable." I make a face that tells her I'd rather eat Nightlock, but she only chuckles at me and pulls out my knee-high boots and places them under the dress. She takes me by the shoulders and turns me to the outfit she's prepared.

"Wear it," she says with a flourish of her hand. "Trust me." I roll my eyes and flop down on the bed, my mind not really on fashion. It's something Prim would wear everywhere, not me.

_Prim._

"Prim's getting married," I mumble quietly into my blanket. Madge's hands fly to her mouth as she spins around to face me.

"No way! Oh, that's wonderful!" Happiness dances in her eyes. Madge loves a good love story. Me? Not so much.

"She's only 19, Madge." I pull the blanket over my head to hide the emotion in my eyes. It doesn't cover the emotion tugging at my voice, though. "She didn't even tell me. Gale had to tell me." I choke back a sob.

"She's my baby sister, Madge. The little girl I practically raised myself. Now she won't even tell me she's getting married. What is wrong with me? Am I that terrible a person? Am I that hard to talk to?"

"Oh, honey, of course not," she croons, rubbing my blanket covered shoulder. I throw the blanket off my face and stare at her. Disbelief written all over my face.

"Then why wouldn't she tell me?" She purses her lips together, carefully choosing her words.

"Well, you haven't really been very…um…_accepting _of Rory since the whole Gale debacle."

"But she's my sister!" I lament.

"Yes, and she's probably scared to death to let you down."

"She's not letting me down. I just don't want her to get hurt. I just want her to be happy." I grouse.

"Then tell her that. But you have to let her make her own happiness. You worry about your own." I huff out a loud blast of air, my cheeks and lips puffing out, then settling in a pout. Madge chuckles at me and shakes her head.

I hear his foot steps on the floor above me and I sigh loudly. I pull my blanket securely around me and curl up on my side, anger flooding me all over again.

"Are you sure there's nothing else on your mind, Katniss?" She moves toward me and strokes my hair, glancing at the ceiling.

Sweet, nurturing, good-hearted Madge. She knows me so well and is always so patient with me.

"Peeta and I had an argument. It was just a small one. It'll blow over, I'm sure." _If I can just get him to talk to me. "_And he really does have a paper due…so, yeah...it's nothing, really."

"OK, but you'll find me if you need me, right?" she says, sitting on the bed next to me. She pulls me into a tight hug. Sweet, sweet Madge with her beautiful, bouncy, Barbie doll hair and misty blue eyes. I've said before that I think she'd be perfect for Gale…if he wasn't such a whoring asshat. She would cool the raging fire that burns so brightly inside him perfectly.

I nod, trying to swallow the tears I feel threatening. It was just a small argument. We've had worse.

_Because evidently all we do is fight or fuck._

She leaves after one more hug and a promise to check in on me tomorrow.

I feel better after a little time with Madge. She has a way of making sense of everything. At least I know what I need to do about Prim. I decide to call her tomorrow. It's late and I'm getting tired. Now I just have to figure out where I went wrong with Peeta.

I settle myself under my bed covers. This will be the first night we've spent apart since we got together. I feel empty and hollow without him beside me, but if he wants his space, he can have it. I stubbornly steel myself against the tears that are threatening.

I'm still angry at the words Peeta threw my way, and everything he said is on a continuous loop in my head. His words playing like an old record skipping in my mind.

Did I overreact? He's obviously under a lot of pressure. Maybe I should have helped him more instead of just throwing my paper at him. I hate second-guessing myself. It makes me feel weak and small.

I just don't understand him. He says I need to let him in, but he never lets me in. He doles out information only when he wants to, never offering too much of himself. I thought we'd made progress when he told me about his childhood, but he was hiding so much more.

Surely he doesn't think I'd judge him for succumbing to the pressure he's been under. What's even more frustrating is I can help him with this. School is one of the few things I'm actually good at.

I may be emotionally arrested, but I excel academically.

Maybe I'm hard to talk to. Maybe I'm too judgmental. I think my sister would agree with that. Ugh, Prim. My baby sister is getting married. How is that even possible?

I fall asleep with a torrent of emotions whirling in my head.

* * *

I wake to the bright morning sun pouring in my window, the soft caress of his breath on my neck and the reassuring feeling of his arms binding me to him. Relief floods through me as I weave my fingers through his and bring our clasped hands up to my lips, kissing his knuckles. His arms tighten around me and I sink into him.

This is where I belong. In his arms, safe and content. Not alone and utterly miserable.

"Hey," he says, his voice raspy with sleep. "I couldn't stay away from you."

"Did you get your paper done?" I smile at the deep rumble of his sleepy voice.

"Yeah. Thank you," he whispers into my ear, softly kissing the shell. "I'm sorry. There is no excuse for the way I treated you last night. And the whole fighting and fucking thing…that was uncalled for. " I hug him more tightly to me.

"That hurt, Peeta. You don't think that's all we are, do you?"

"No, of course not. We're so much more than that. I was just in a really bad place last night and I took it out on you. I really am _so_ sorry." I nod, accepting his apology.

"Would you like me to proof your paper for you?" I feel him nod behind me.

"I need to go to the library today. Will you come with me? I could use some help," he mumbles into my shoulder. I turn myself so I'm facing him. He hooks a leg over mine and pulls me to him so our bodies are flush.

"Yes!" I say, squeezing him to me. "Of course! Why didn't you tell me you were having so much trouble, Peeta? School is the one thing I'm good at. We could have avoided all this, sweetheart." His hand moves further up my hip, his thumb purposefully grazing the sensitive flesh below my breast. I move his hand down.

He will not sex his way out of this conversation. I give him a knowing look and he has the grace to look contrite.

"I guess that's why, Kat. You _are_ good at it. You are so much smarter than I am and I was ashamed, I guess. I didn't want you to think less of me."

My blood runs cold thinking about Madge's words from last night.

"That's what Madge said about Prim, too. Am I really that judgmental? I could never think less of you, Peeta. I love you." He smiles genuinely at me and rubs his nose against mine.

"Prim? What's going on with Prim?"

"She and Rory are getting married," I say, sullenly.

"And this makes you sad because…?"

"Because she's my baby sister and I just don't want her to make a mistake."

"She's not a baby anymore, babe. You have to let her make her own mistakes." He kisses my forehead softly. "And besides, haven't they been together for years? He hasn't hurt her yet, has he?"

"No," I pout. "But he…" I trail off because I can't think of anything to say. As much as I loathe to admit it, Rory is a good kid. I can't deny that simple fact.

"But he's not Gale. Just because they're brothers doesn't mean he's a scumbag, too. Ryan can be a scumbag…doesn't mean I am, right?"

"Ryan's not a scumbag," I say, petulantly. He barks out a laugh at my stubbornness.

"That's so not the point, Kat." I laugh, too, because I know I've been caught.

"I know, I know. I'm going to call her today and beg her forgiveness for being such an overbearing bitch of a sister."

He pulls me to him and ghosts his fingers over the exposed skin on my side. He smiles playfully and nips at my neck, his lips and fingers sending me into a fit of giggles.

"Can I touch you now? Please." His hands find a more secure grip on my sides and he sends me over the edge into full-out belly laughs as he relentlessly tickles me.

* * *

The third floor of the library is deserted, as usual. Peeta and I are sitting at my table behind the bound periodicals discussing the importance of the body and soul in Walt Whitman's poetry. Even though we are discussing a topic Peeta couldn't care less about, his mood is markedly elevated from last night and we are making excellent progress.

We spent the morning rolling playfully over my bed, his hands and body making mine sing underneath him, both of us finding release from the pent up frustration of the evening before. I'm glad he finally admitted he needed help, because I am confident we can dig him out of this hole together. It's just a matter of focus and a little help from my secret stash of papers.

"How is it that someone who has a remarkably hard time picking up after herself can keep a highly organized filing system of every note, test and paper she's ever written?" He quips as I rummage through a folder of papers on the subject.

"My system is coming in handy, isn't it, Mr. Smarty?" I bop him on the head with my folder as I stand to find another. "Besides, this is actually important. Putting clothes away isn't." I have to stretch over the table to get the other folder I'm looking for.

"Until you run out of underwear, that is," he says running his hand up the back of my bare thigh.

"You'd like that wouldn't you," I say as wiggle my butt at him.

"You know it." His hands roam up under the green dress Madge picked out for me. Peeta had seen it hanging on the closet door and requested I wear it. I begrudgingly put it on, not seeing why I needed to wear a dress to the library of all places, but now I'm glad I did because the groan he lets out when he discovers the tiny lace strip of my thong sends a shock of electricity through me.

"Seriously, Katniss? What are you trying to do to me, girl? We've been here for 2 hours. How did I not know this is all you had on under here?" He continues to rub my ass, peeking up under the skirt and kissing my cheek.

"We'd never have gotten anything done had you known, now would we?" I say flashing him the sexiest grin I know how to make.

"Mmmmmm, the things I could have been doing to you all this time…" he groans, pulling me to straddle his lap. He pulls my face down for a sultry kiss and I grind my hips into his, causing him to hiss in a breath. I feel him straining against his jeans and I rub a little harder. He kisses me deeply, our mouths so wide our teeth clank together.

"I think you're trying to kill me," he says pulling away from me. He leans in again and takes my bottom lip between his teeth and pulls. I squirm against him, the pressure building in me at an alarming rate. He reaches a hand between us and strokes me.

"You're ready for me." I feel a tug on the thong and the delicate fabric gives way. He curls a finger in me, causing my head to fall forward on his shoulder.

"Mmmm, Katniss. Can you feel what you do to me?" He adds another finger, eliciting a low moan from me. I smile into his neck and draw a line with my tongue up his neck and to his ear.

"You know what you do to me, Peeta," I breathe into his ear. His free hand snakes up my back and circles my neck. He turns my head and roughly brings my mouth to his for another deep open-mouthed kiss. I feel his hand leave my body and begin fumbling with the button of his jeans.

"What are you doing? We can't do _that here. _People will see us!"

"There's no one here. We haven't seen or heard anyone else since we've been here. Besides, your dress will hide us. Come on, it will be amazing." My resolve fades at the sexy gleam in his eyes. It would be amazing. I'm not at all sure how he gets me to agree to do these things, but as I lift my hips for him and he slides into me I forget to care where we are.

I lean my forehead against his as I rock my hips. My movements are slow and shallow, but the friction from the closeness of the position is sending shockwaves throughout my body. I have to bite my lip to keep from crying out when his fingers circle over the bundle of nerves nestled in the space above where we are connected. He pulls my mouth back to his, a hand fisting in my long waves, and kisses me with long and languid strokes, exploring every inch of my mouth with his tongue.

I pull back to watch his face. The strong line of his jaw is tense, the muscles jumping and flexing beneath his skin as he clenches his teeth together. His eyelids are low as he watches his hand knead and pull at my breasts through the cotton of my dress. His blond lashes are feathered over the soft skin of his face. They're so light and full they look like spun gold against his sun-kissed skin.

His eyes flicker up to mine when he feels me watching. His liquid blue eyes hold so much desire and hunger it leaves me breathless.

Maybe it's the excitement and thrill at the possibility of getting caught or the closeness in which we are connected, I don't know, but it doesn't take us long before our breath is leaving us in short pants and my body begins to spasm all around him. He swallows my satisfied moan with a kiss and then follows me off the cliff with his own shuddering release.

We rest our heads together as we come down from our high, desperately trying to come back to earth. He captures my lips with his, gently gliding them together in soft, delicate kisses. I could sit here with him still buried inside me, lazily kissing him for the rest of the day. He feels so good.

It's not until we hear footsteps echo on the other side of the stacks and a door slam that I jump off his lap, laughter bubbling between us as he fumbles to tuck himself back in his jeans.

"Oh, my god. Did we just do that?" I gasp as a tall, gangly man moves quickly past us, barely sparing us a glance.

Peeta leans into me when the man rounds the corner moving quickly away from us, and eases me back against the table, taking my lips with his again.

"We definitely just did that," he says between kisses. I try weakly to push him off me, but he won't budge, his hips pressing deeply into me.

"I'm never going to be able to study here again. You totally ruined my secret study spot, you heathen."

He wags his eyebrows at me, his blue eyes dancing with mirth.

"You loved it." His tongue darts out and traces the lines of my lips before sinking deeply into my mouth.

"You know it…and I'd do it again in a heartbeat," I murmur playfully when his lips slowly leave mine. He groans and grinds his length into me, holding me against the table. He lifts me so I'm sitting on the edge and leans me back over the table surface, pressing a hard kiss to my mouth.

"Just give me 5 more minutes…" His voice is husky with desire.

I giggle against him, but push him away. As much as I would love to continue this, we really have to focus and we don't have much time before he has to be at baseball practice.

He relents and kisses the end of my nose before moving to gather all our scattered books and papers.

We are all smiles and hands as we leave the library, playfully pawing at each other. Peeta tucks me into his side as we step off the last step and into the lobby of the library. There are students milling everywhere on this level. Peeta smirks down at me knowingly. We could have easily been caught.

"Who knew studying could be this fun," he murmurs as he stops to plant a luscious kiss on me in the middle of the lobby. I squirm as I feel eyes on us from all around, my face flushing red hot at the scrutiny. The librarian tuts at us and Peeta gives her his most disarming smile as we push our way out into the dimming afternoon sunlight. I'm pretty sure I see pink color her cheeks when I glance back at her.

It's hard to believe we were at each other's throats last night. Hard to believe I was going to spend the night alone. I swear when he smiles at me everything is right with the world. It sounds corny, like some vapid romance novel, but I just don't feel whole when we are apart. Like there is a hole in my heart that only he can fill.

My feet slow and my heart falters when we near his Jeep. I have to work to keep my jaw from dropping at the sight before me. Glimmer is slumped against the hood, her blond head a tangled mess of ratty curls that hangs low on her shoulders. She is wearing a ragged pair of sweat pants and top and not a swipe of make up. My hand tightens in Peeta's. His shoulders sag and he lets out a long, shuddering sigh, the light in his eyes gone.

I've never seen her look like this before. Peeta gives me a remorseful look before dropping my hand and going to her. I don't try to stop him. She obviously needs someone. I just wish it wasn't my boyfriend.

* * *

_I just want to take a minute to say thank you to everyone who takes the time to review. Every chapter I say I'm going to answer each of you and I just never get to it, so I just wanted every one of you to know I truly appreciate you. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!_


	15. Chapter 15

We haven't had sex in 5 days, 4 hours and 24 minutes. For someone who, just a few short months ago hadn't had sex in - well, ever - it seems slightly absurd that I would know, down to the minute, the last time he touched me with any type of urgency, but, it is what it is. I am wound tighter than a freshly strung violin.

Peeta, however, does not seem to be feeling much of anything other than exhaustion. When he's home, which is rare, he's either studying or sleeping. I found him asleep with a book on his face three out of the last five nights. The other two he came home so late I didn't even see him until I woke in his arms. That's the closest I've been to him since the library.

If I'm honest, I'm more than a little frustrated, and bordering on distressed. I've been stoically fighting a deluge of emotions, trying so hard to remain calm and understanding, but the more he's gone or the later he comes home, the less patient I become and the more angry and hurt I feel. Every time she calls and he runs to her side the more the fragile grip on my sanity weakens. My only recourse is anger. It's my most natural emotion, the one I always fall back on, the one that settles over me like a second skin, the favored emotion that goes down like a fine wine.

The only thing keeping my temper in check is his face. When he looks at me all I see is a boy whose emotions are depleted, leaving him raw and broken. I can't bring myself to add to the pain he's already feeling.

What I need to do is get him away from Glimmer. Whatever is going on with her is sucking him dry and Peeta, being Peeta, is letting her do it. Every time I bring her up, though, he shuts down. He tells me she's taken the miscarriage hard. That she's depressed. Little things like that, but not much more.

So, now I'm left with two options: bite the bullet and confront him, which will no doubt turn into a huge fight that ends with me a shattered mess, or let him keep walking the path he's on, which I fear is one where he leaves me behind. It feels like I lose both ways, because if we get into it and I can't convince him to let her go, then it's going to be me walking away. Because, honestly, I cannot sit here and watch him do this to himself. But I also cannot sit here and watch him walk away from me, either.

At the same time the issue of Gale also haunts us and only adds to the ticking time-bomb that has become our relationship. When I finally got up the nerve to tell Peeta about the festival and recording session Gale wants me to sing on, I could see the argument in his eyes and hear it in his clipped responses. Did he want me spending so much time with Gale? No, but I think he knew he couldn't do anything about it, especially since he's been spending an enormous amount of time with Glimmer.

This dance we're doing is a cruel purgatory. We circle around the issues but never actually touch them. We know the problems are there, but neither of us wants to confront them. But, that seems to be our modus operandi. We have a way of comforting each other with our bodies rather than with words, which in the end, solves nothing.

Even now, as I watch him get dressed for the festival, I am salivating at the muscles working fluidly under his skin as he tugs his navy blue t-shirt over his head and down his body. His muscled body is wickedly distracting. He catches me staring and smirks at me, giving me that half smile that has a way of making me do anything he asks.

"Tonight, I swear," he says as he stands in front of where I'm sitting at the foot of the bed and takes my chin in his hand. I stand and reach up on my tip-toes for a kiss I so desperately need.

His eyes are shadowed with dark circles. I know he doesn't want to go tonight and if I weren't singing I'm sure he wouldn't have even considered going. Not even for Finn who has been begging us to go out with him and Annie for two weeks now.

I stroke the dusting of stubble that covers his jaw.

"I'm worried about you, Peeta."

"I'm fine, Katniss," he says as he takes my head in his hands. I give him a look that tells him I don't believe him. "I swear. We'll leave as soon as you're done singing and we'll have some quality time. Just you and me. OK?"

"Promise?" He strokes my face with his thumb and then tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

"I promise." The kiss he gives me to seal his promise sends a bolt of lightening right down to my core. I've never wanted an evening out to be over so bad.

* * *

My fingers are numb from the beer sitting in my hand. It's a beautiful day, lit by a crystal blue sky but the crisp, cool breeze is typical for western Pennsylvania in early November. I should have brought my gloves or at least something more than the thin leather jacket covering my bare arms.

Peeta and I are standing closely together at the side of the stage waiting for Finn and Annie to get back from a beer run. Gale and the band are milling around waiting for the previous band to finish so they can set up. Gale came over a couple of times to say hello, but didn't stay long. There is still a significant amount of tension between Gale and Peeta, but at least they aren't bowing up and throwing around testosterone every time they see each other now. For the most part, Gale has stopped being an asshole and has been on his best behavior when we've been together. He's making an effort, which, really, is all I've wanted.

My heart is jackhammering in my chest. It feels like it's going to jump right through my ribcage. There must be a thousand people here. I've never sung in front of so many people in my life. I know most will be milling around the festival and aren't going to be pressed against the stage listening to us, but still the knot in my stomach is uncomfortably tight.

Peeta pulls me into him and rubs some warmth into my arm.

"Why'd you agree to do this, Kat? You're shaking so much you're making me nervous."

"I don't know," I whine. "I just couldn't say no. It was stupid. I'll probably puke all over myself as soon as I step on stage."

He chuckles, but leans in and kisses the side of my head.

"You'll be fine. I'll be right here. Just find me in the crowd and sing to me. You have the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. You're going to blow them all away, don't worry." His breath feathering over my ear floods me with warmth. I wish I could say his confidence in me made a difference, but I'm still shaking in my boots.

My nerves only grow when I spot a group of sorority girls standing in the crowd. Glimmer is in the middle looking pale and hollow-eyed. Peeta must have followed the direction of my eyes because he sighs heavily.

"Why is she here? Can't we just have one night without her?" I bite out, more than a little annoyed. "She's always around. We can't get away from her."

"I didn't know she'd be here."

"Did she know you'd be here?" He frowns. Of course she did. "You seriously need to do something about her before I do."

The tension is palpable when Finn and Annie return with their hands full of beer. We each take one. Finn looks between us and then follows my eyes to where Glimmer is sulking among her sisters. He glances at Peeta for a moment, a frown moving over his mouth. I can tell he wants to say something but he thinks better of it and tries to defuse the situation instead.

"Hey! Did you know the beautiful Annie, here, is a Yoga instructor?" He says, casually swinging an arm over Annie's shoulders. Peeta grunts an unintelligible response and shuffles around on his feet, looking everywhere but at me. I can do nothing but plaster a big smile on my face and push the growing feeling of annoyance down. I really don't want her being here to escalate into a full-blown fight. I just want my promised alone time. I need to feel something other than the anger and resentment I feel settling in my bones.

"Katniss hasn't been to any of my classes yet. Maybe the three of you need to come take my class. It'd be very good for you two also," Annie says to both Finn and Peeta. "It's good for stress and is an excellent complement to your normal training. It would make you both better athletes." Annie is so different from all the other girls Finn has been with. She's much more self-possessed and articulate than the fawning idiots he usually chooses.

"If it means seeing you stretching and twisting yourself into ungodly positions, I'm in." Finn says, wagging his eyebrows. "Yoga makes you flexible, right?" When Finn whispers something in Annie's ear I can't help but wonder what he could have said that could make the usually cool Annie blush so fiercely. I know the look on my face must be wistful because all I can think is when did Peeta and I stop being that couple? We haven't even been together that long and already something is missing. I push the nagging thought that keeps telling me that maybe we just aren't meant to be away and sidle back into Peeta. His arm comes around me and pulls me into his body. I feel him breathe me in as his strong arms tighten around me and I do the same, returning the quiet apology.

"I don't want to fight with you," Peeta murmurs in my ear. I stand on my tip toes and lean up for a kiss, not caring that we are in the middle of a crowd. Whenever I'm close to him it seems like the world disappears and I forget myself. The need to be near him can be overwhelming and I feel myself losing myself to him. It is both exhilarating and frightening.

Being with him has changed me. When he's with me I feel so much more than I am, stronger; but at the same time he turns me into a mushy mess. I just wish these moments weren't so few and far between now. I just wish it was easier.

"Look at them," Peeta says, nodding his head behind me to Finn and Annie. "The mighty Finnick Odair has literally been brought to his knees by a woman." We both burst into laughter at the sight of Finn on both his knees in front of Annie, his head bowed and arms clasped around her middle, begging. Annie wears a wicked grin and winks at us. Yes, there is no doubt in my mind Annie Cresta can handle him like an expert. He's all but putty in her hands.

"Tantric sex, Peet," Finn calls over his shoulder. "She's teasing me with Tantric sex. Annie is a cruel, cruel woman. Oh, God, please let me take you home tonight," he begs.

"They're good together," Peeta says as he leans his chin on my shoulder. "She's got to throw him a bone, though. I'm pretty sure his balls are 20 shades of blue by now."

"I know the feeling," I murmur, turning into him and running my hands down his chest to the waist of his jeans, bringing his pelvis tight to mine.

The kiss he gives me is slow and full of promise. "Tonight. We'll make up for all the lost time this week, tonight." This is what we're good at. I sink into his kiss, forgetting myself again, until Gale clears his throat behind me. Peeta doesn't let go of me, but rather pulls me back into him when I turn to face Gale.

"You ready?" he says curtly. I'm glad for the chill in the air as I bring my icy hands to my burning face after having been caught so thoroughly lost inside someone else.

"You've certainly changed your mind on public displays, Catnip," Gale says as we move toward the stage leaving Peeta with Finn and Annie. "You've changed on a lot of things." His voice isn't confrontational or even chiding. He's just Gale. My best friend. Stating a fact.

"I'm going home to see my mom for a couple of days tomorrow before I have to be in the studio at the end of the week. Rory and Prim will be there, too. Do you want to come?" He asks as he pulls his acoustic guitar from it's hard shell case and places a few picks in his pocket and one between his teeth.

"I don't know. That would probably go over like a ton of bricks. Peeta and I aren't really in a good place right now." He cocks an eyebrow. I know he wants to say something snide. I can feel him holding back.

"I've been trying to respect your decision to be with him, Catnip."

"I know. It's just everything. Everything seems to be hard right now. I don't want to add to it. I talked to Prim a few days ago. She sounds good." We exchange a few anecdotes about Rory and Prim before making our way onto the dimly lit stage. The sun is mostly set, just a dusting of pink on the horizon remains. There has to be at least a couple hundred people close to the stage waiting for us to begin our set and a few hundred more milling about behind them closer to all the beer tents and food stands.

In the center of the stage are two stools with mic stands in front highlighted by a soft, ambient light. I scan the crowd for Peeta as I feel the tell-tale signs of butterflies flickering - oh, who am I kidding - there are about fifty bats swooping around my stomach. I find him in the middle of the crowd about two deep with Finn and Annie. He gives me the half smile I love so much and a wink, but it does little to settle my nerves. I just pray the contents of my stomach stay down.

Gale settles himself on his stool and begins strumming the first notes of our opening tune. He peers out from a fringe of dark bangs and smiles encouragingly at me. Our stools are close enough that he rests his knees close to mine so we are touching. The simple touch allows me to focus on him and the melody he strums so the sound that flows out of me when I begin singing is strong and true. Confidence fills me with each solid note and I can finally peel my eyes from Gale's and search the crowd again to find Peeta.

Only he's not standing with Finn and Annie anymore.

Something shifts inside me as I scan the darkened crowd for him. I'm about to give up trying to find him in such a large crowd when I catch a glimpse of his light blue thermal t-shirt under a light post by the bright orange sign of the Shock Top tent. It's not until I see him bend his blonde head close to another that the sinking feeling haunting the edges of my heart the last couple of weeks begins to deepen. But it's when his arm goes around her and he disappears over the hill with her that my heart plunges and I begin to crumble.

I feel like I am always watching him with her. Like I am always on the outside looking in and it is bringing up all those horrible feelings of inadequacy I learned so well from the man sitting next to me. I knew this would happen again. I knew no matter how much he said otherwise that I would never be enough for him, just like I wasn't enough for Gale all those years ago.

Gale hooks his long leg over mine on the stools legs when my voice falters and brings my focus back to him. It's a small gesture, but one that holds me to him, anchors me to the stage and the songs we're singing. He knows I'm about to lose it and I know I have to keep it together for him. I can't ruin this for him and his band just because my boyfriend and I can't seem to get our shit together.

I am unraveling fast by the end of the set and Peeta still never returned. The tiny string that is holding my composure held on just long enough that it's not until I reach the wings of the stage that I completely collapse in on myself.

"Jesus, are you ok, Katniss?" Gale asks as his arms come around me and he pulls my shaking body into him. Both my hands fist tightly into the fabric of his t-shirt. Tears prickle my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.

"You were amazing, Catnip. Really."

"He left me here, Gale. He fucking left. With her." Disbelief fills my voice as the anguish I had been feeling all through the set steels itself into fury. It's actually a good thing Peeta isn't here because I really think I could rip his balls off, the anger inside me is so hot.

"Kat, look, I know this sucks," Finn begins. He starts to lay a hand on my shoulder but the burning look I give makes him take a step backwards instead.

"Did he actually leave?" My voice is low and even, the only thing betraying my emotions is the soft crack in my voice on the last word.

"He's trying Katniss..." I tune him out as I gather my things. I don't want to hear any more excuses for Peeta Mellark. I asked for one night. One night with out Glimmer hanging in the shadows. One measly night. I needed him here. He knows how much his being here meant to me and he just leaves before I even get through the first song. He promised me tonight.

Annie turns to me as we pile into Finn's truck. I lean my head against the cold glass of the window; it's a small comfort to the incessant pounding behind my eyes.

"She needs professional help," she says quietly. A very undignified harrumph rudely leaves my mouth. How am I supposed to respond to that? I don't know what the proper response to that should be. I am so far gone in anger that I can't fathom the correct response. My immediate response is "fuck her." But even I know that is inappropriate.

"I heard she's been threatening suicide," she continues. My eyes snap to hers. "I think she may have even tried."

"Where'd you hear that?" But I already know the answer. Her eyes cut to Finn who is just sliding into the driver's seat. The sad part is, I don't even care that she tried or wants to commit suicide. The only emotion I can gather right now is fury at the fact that Peeta didn't see fit to tell me this little tidbit of information. This giant piece of information.

* * *

I've been waiting on his bed for three hours. It's well past midnight. I have gone through a myriad of emotions that I really can't make sense of anymore. Now I'm left feeling empty.

When I hear his heavy footsteps on the stairs I try to steady my pounding heartbeat with deep, even breaths. But with each step he takes closer the more it quickens and the more the lump in my throat grows.

His appearance is haggard and disheveled when he comes quietly through the door. I guess he expected me to be sleeping.

"Where have you been?" I ask more quietly than I had anticipated, the lump in my throat making it hard to form words.

"I had to take Glimmer back to the house."

"Of course you did," I deadpan. "And did you tuck her in nice and tight…maybe read her a good bedtime story? Or maybe you just gave her a good fucking." His head whips to mine, eyes wide and full of heat. That's what I was looking for. Maybe I can goad him into talking to me.

He walks to me and I have to stand so I don't feel like he's towering over me.

"You know that's not how it is, Katniss. How many times do I have to tell you I won't do that? You know that's not who I am."

"Do I? How do I know what you've been doing with your ex for the last 3 hours Peeta? You left me over 3 hours ago to be with her. What am I supposed to think? You promised _me _tonight." He looks hurt now, the anger falling away. He acts like I've attacked his character, and I suppose I have, but I just don't care anymore.

"I'm sorry…she…I…she, fuck…" His fumbling words annoy me. All of a sudden I'm the one with all the words and I can't keep them inside me any longer.

"Let me guess, she threatened suicide if you didn't come running to her side. Is that it?" Yep, that was it. I can see it in the way his eyes fall and the guilt washes over him. "Why didn't you tell me it'd gone that far? Why won't you let me in?"

"Because you hate her, Katniss. And I just didn't want to get into it with you. I don't want to fight with you. It seems like all we do is fight about Glimmer or Gale and everything I say or do always turns into this…thing…this huge, never ending thing. I just can't seem to do anything right so you'll have to excuse me if I just want to put that all aside and lose myself in you instead of going over every detail of my fucked up life when I _know_ it's just going to end in a fight."

"So, what? We just ignore it? Wasn't it you who said we needed to talk about everything before it eats us alive? Or was it just me who needs to talk to you? This relationship is not a one way street." I wring my hands in exasperation. "I know you spent years hiding your feelings, Peeta, and I never really understood why until you told me about your mom, but when I find out you're confiding in Finn about _everything_ and telling me _nothing_, only throwing me a bone to placate me every once and awhile, how do you think that makes me feel?" He moves toward me again as if to take me in his arms, but I move quickly out of his reach and continue with every thought that has been brewing in my mind since I got home.

"It makes me feel terrible. Like I'm not good enough. Like you don't trust me with what is going on with you. I feel like all I am to you is a warm body and I have _never _felt like that with you, Peeta. Never. You've always had a way of making me feel special. Ever since the day I met you. But now - ever since this situation with Glimmer, I just feel like I come last." I pause to take in a deep breath to compose myself so the tremors lodging in my voice stop." This doesn't feel good anymore. I don't like the way you make me feel. I feel empty."

The tears are silently coursing down my face now. I can't stop them. I don't want to stop them.

He takes a couple steps toward me until I back away again. I don't want to feel him right now, because I know I'll give in if he touches me. And I can't give in. Not now.

"Katniss, I don't know what to do. She needs me. I feel responsible." He pauses when he sees me roll my eyes, annoyance filling his. "Don't roll your eyes. That is why I don't talk to you. You can never see past your own emotions. Do you even know what empathy is? God, Katniss, you just don't understand and I can't find a way to make you understand what she's going through…what I'm going through. This is serious. Suicide is a big deal. I may not be responsible, but I feel like I am. I can't just stand by and watch her destroy herself."

"What if it destroys you? Look at yourself, Peeta. You're a mess. You're about to collapse from exhaustion. And not only you, but it's destroying us, too. Can't you see that?" I'm pleading now. Everything is spiraling out of control. I'm at the end of my rope with this situation and I need him to say something to ease the gnawing ache I feel. An ache that feels very much like an end.

He sits heavily down on the space I just vacated on the bed and scrubs his hands over his face. The rough sound of his hands rubbing over the dusting of stubble poking out along his jaw line practically echoes in the room.

"Did you ever think that maybe this is getting a little out of hand, Peeta? That maybe she needs more help than you can give her? She has a house full of sisters to take care of her. And more-so, if she's talking suicide, she needs professional help." My voice is soft. I want so badly to sit next to him so he can hold me and make this feeling inside me go away. Instead, I sit on the hard chair at his desk across the room from him.

"Everything is not always black and white, Katniss."

"It's pretty black and white to me. It wasn't your fault. I'm your girlfriend. She is not. If you need someone to talk to, talk to me. Find her some real help."

"She needs me," he says under his breath. His words pierce my heart.

"I need you." I close my eyes and swallow hard.

"I'm just so confused."

"Confused about what? Her? Us?"

"Everything. I'm confused about everything. I feel like I'm being pulled in too many different directions. So yes, everything. Us included."

And there it is. Three lousy months and this is what it comes to. Everything clenches inside me and I can't help the numb feeling that seeps into every pore of my body. I should have never done this. I feel like I can't breathe, the air is so dense and my tongue thick with despair.

He stands from his place on the bed and moves toward me. I hold my hands in front of me and stand to back away toward the door again.

"Don't," is all I say. Any other words I have are stuck in the canyon that opened in my chest. I can't handle this anymore. All my fears were warranted. I am not enough for him. He won't choose me. He will leave me and I will have nothing. I just didn't think it'd be this quick. All my stupid fantasies about kids and a happy family were just that. Fantasy. They lulled me into such complacency that I laid my heart bare before him without thinking and now it's gone.

Again.

What makes this harder is that I know he loves me. I know he does. I guess sometimes love really isn't enough because I refuse to allow him to keep making me feel second best. If this is what love feels like, then I don't want any part of it.

"Kat, wait. Let's talk about this," he pleads as if reading my mind. I shake my head. I just can't anymore. I have to get out of here before I completely fall apart.

"You've had weeks to talk to me, Peeta. I've tried and I just can't anymore. I'm done."

"So, what? Are you just leaving? Walking away, just like that?"

"I'm giving you the space you seem to need to figure this out." My heart is breaking. I can feel the fissures splitting it wide. "You need to decide what you want. Me or her."

"It's not that simple, Katniss, please," he calls after me as I hurry out the door and stagger down the steps before he can touch me. My chest is heaving with unshed sobs when I reach my room.

Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I don't know how to empathize. I don't know. The only thing I know for sure right now is this hurts. It hurts more than anything I've ever felt before. I should have listened to the voice in my head before we ever got together. We should have never done this because now I'm left with nothing. No friend. No lover. Nothing.

I hear a crash upstairs as I bury myself under the covers of my bed, letting loose the deluge of sobs suffocating me into the safety of my pillows.

This is why I never wanted love. This is what love does. It leaves you feeling empty and broken. Love does little more than destroy.

* * *

_These two have gotten themselves in quite a mess, haven't they? __So, do you think Peeta is going to make the right choice? Just remember,before you start throwing things at me, I do believe in HEAs...we just have to get there._

_Honestly, I didn't enjoy writing this chapter at all. I put it off as much as possible. Sex is sooooooooo much easier to write. Oh, well.  
_

_A **BIG** thank you to my beautiful beta, katissinme, for keeping me on track and correcting my ridiculous mistakes._


	16. Chapter 16

I don't know how much I've slept. Not much, judging by the creaky stiffness that fills my body. I stretch my legs as far as I can manage, feeling the muscles elongate and then contract, sending a small sigh of relief coursing through my limbs. I pull the pillow I am curled around more tightly to my body. It still faintly smells of Peeta and I let the soft musk seep into me. It's a small comfort against the barrage of images that flood my mind from last night. It's also a bittersweet comfort. A reminder of everything I no longer have.

I toss the pillow, which lands with a thud behind me and am surprised when it's followed my a deep cough.

"Well, good morning to you, too, sunshine," Finn says with a chuckle as he moves the pillow from his face and I scramble around in my bed to face him. He is the picture of nonchalance lounging against my headboard with his ankles crossed and head resting on his clasped hands behind his head, a bright smile on his face as he cackles at the surprise written all over mine. Blame it on the long, sleepless night, but I didn't even feel his big body behind me. I can't say I'm necessarily surprised to find him here. It's not the first time I've woken up to him in my bed. Honestly, in this house, you never know who you'll find next to you. After years of living with Johanna and Finn I should know better than to go to bed without locking the door.

"Jeez, Finn, boundaries much?" I groan, still trying to pull the sheet up over my body even though I'm fully clothed in one of Peeta's old t-shirts. His foot starts jiggling causing the whole bed to shake with his nervous energy. Finn always has so much energy, enough really to light up a city block, and usually I find it endearing. Today it's just fucking annoying. I push myself up in the bed and swat at his bouncing legs.

"You know, I'm going to have to start charging you two for couples counseling," he laments, ignoring my attempts to push him off the bed. Finally, I give up and settle back under my covers, my body turned toward him, but my face buried in the soft fabric of my blanket.

"Do you know," he continues. "I finally got Annie in my bed last night? After months of groveling and my absolute best behavior, I finally convinced her I'm not the douche she thinks I am." I peer up at his wistful face and I can't help but smile at the look of wonderment he wears. "And do you know what I had to talk about after probably the best sex of my life?" he asks, glancing down at me. "You and Peeta. Yep, that's right, ladies and gentlemen. My two very dysfunctional best friends were the topic of my post-game wrap-up. Which really has a way of deflating the mood, if you know what I mean. Now tell me, what is wrong with this picture?"

"Sorry 'bout that." I mumble into my blanket, my face heating with shame and embarrassment at interrupting what should have been an amazing night for them both.

"No worries, Kat. It's a good thing you guys are my two favorite people, though." His mouth quirks up into an odd pucker and his eyebrows screw together as if he's deciding what to say next, long fingers scratching at the base of his bronze side-burn.

"How much did you hear?" I ask, curiosity getting the best of me.

"Enough. The rest I got from Peeta this morning." I want to ask about him. The words are poised on my lips. I just can't make them fall. The warring anger and sadness are threatening to overwhelm me again. I clench my fists until my nails cause enough pain in my palms to cloud the onslaught.

"He's devastated, Katniss. I've never seen him like this before." The scoff leaves me before I can stop it and I turn harshly away from him so he doesn't see the tears pickling my eyes.

"I just can't be with him like this. He's breaking me all over again."

"Did you really end it?"

"Yes…no…I don't know. He's been going through this huge thing…a freaking suicidal ex-girlfriend, and he hides it from me, leaving me completely in the dark while he runs off trying to take care of her for a week. Do you think I'm wrong, Finn?" I ask, sitting up and turning roughly back to face him, kicking the blankets around the bed. I don't seem to be able to sit still. Emotion is overwhelming me again. "This thing with them is too massive and I just can't compete with that…I _won't _compete with it." My voice is breaking and tears are streaming down my face now. I can't keep them down. How is it possible for one person to have so many tears? He pulls me into the warmth of his body and holds me until I finally calm down.

This is so humiliating, these feelings bursting from me. It's bad enough that I spent the night blubbering, but the fact that I'm here soaking Finnick's shirt is mortifying. He doesn't seem to care, though, and just begins speaking as if I didn't just spend the last five minutes losing my shit in his shirt.

"No, I don't think you're wrong and I told him as much this morning. This has gotten way too big for him to handle by himself." I release the breath I didn't know I was holding and let my head fall back on the pillow next to him, grateful to have him on my side. He's already standing and smoothing the legs of his jeans down by the time I can compose myself enough to respond.

"You know he loves you…like the deep down forever kind…right?"

I nod my head once unconvincingly. "So he says," I trail off, wondering if I even believe it anymore. "He's got a funny way of showing it and it's just not enough right now, Finn. I don't know if it ever will be."

"Don't say that, Kat. He knows he messed up." He sighs when I don't say anything. What can I say? I can't make sense of anything right now, the anger is too fresh and the damage too deep. "OK, fair enough. You know I'm here if you need me, right?"

I only nod my response because I can feel my eyes watering again. I love Finn like a brother and I wouldn't want a life without him, but when it comes down to it, he isn't my best friend; he's Peeta's. And yet here he is, talking me off this cliff, offering his shoulder. At least I know I won't lose all my friends. He gives me a half smile, enough so one of his dimples winks out at me and I remember what he said before.

"Hey, Finn…I'm really happy for you and Annie. You're good together."

He smiles widely and his sea green eyes shimmer with happiness. "Yeah, we are. She's amazing." His hand rests on the door knob, but he hesitates before turning it. When he turns back to me, I can see he wants to say something else, but he decides better of it and leaves.

I wait until I hear him clamber down the stairs before I get out of bed. The pull of the warmth and safety of my bed is almost too much to deny, but I know if I stay there I'll be sucked down into a melancholy I won't be able to pull myself out of.

I want to fall apart so badly, to just sink into myself and forget. Sleep for days until all this is a distant memory. But I'm just not that person anymore. I'm not some moon-eyed girl who can't get out of bed because of a broken heart. I refuse to be that girl. I'm a grown woman. A strong, mature woman.

I fall back on my bed, head buried in my pillow. Who am I kidding? This hurts. The gaping hole inside me physically hurts and I'm about to shimmy under my comforter again when the door slams open and the whirling dervish that is Johanna Mason barges in.

Locks. Door. When am I going to learn?

"OK, get the fuck up, Everdeen. We're not doing this again." She hauls me up by the armpits despite my angry protests and shoves me toward the bathroom, drags my shirt over my head and leaves me sputtering under the hot spray of my shower, modesty be damned.

I slump against the cool tiles, forgetting everything as the hard spray pelts my neck and back.

"Don't make me come in there. Wash, Katniss. You smell like sorrow and misery and it's making me twitchy," she grouses from the other side of the curtain. I hear her rummaging through the makeup and hair products littering the vanity and I pick up the shampoo and run it through my hair.

"How is soap going to help with that?" I mumble.

"Look, you two idiots are going to work this out. I've already seen his sorry ass this morning and told him what a fucking asshole he's being…always a sucker for a damsel in distress, that guy. He can't help himself and that twat totally hooked him…and you…always running…although I can hardly blame you this time." She sighs and sits roughly on the toilet seat.

"Jo, I…" She doesn't let me finish.

"What can I do, Kat?" Her voice is soft now. Gone is the brash, ball-busting Johanna.

"Well, seeing as I'm out of bed now, I think you've done it." My head is starting to clear and, while the pain is still there, I think I can keep myself upright and moving. I turn the water off and she hands me my towel from the rack on the wall.

"I think I'm going to go home. See Prim. Get out of here and reevaluate," I say wrapping myself up and stepping out of the shower, my hair still dripping over my shoulders as the door to Madge's room opens and she peaks in.

"Oh, honey," she says coming in and wrapping me up in her arms. My arms and legs break out into goose flesh as she brings the cold air from her room in with her. I have no modesty left. No one seems to care that I'm dressed in only a towel. "I can't believe this is happening."

Madge and Johanna prattle on about how maddening men can be, their man-hate rearing its ugly head. These are my friends. What would I do without them? There will be no wallowing. No pity. They won't allow it.

We filter out into my room to find Gale leaning against the wall opposite from us.

My room is a revolving door.

"Now this…This is a fantasy of mine come true," he purrs at us only to be met with a rude comment about nights in hell from Johanna and an eye roll from me. It's Madge who has the shy blush for him. His eyes pause on her momentarily and I watch something flash in them before he turns to me. "Got a minute?"

I nod as I pull some clothes from my closet and the girls go back to Madge's room.

"Does the offer to go home still stand?" I ask when I return fully dressed and infinitely more comfortable. He nods. We make our plans for the four-hour journey but before he turns to go I stop him. My hands are bunched in my lap, clasping and unclasping, but the nagging thought just won't let go. I have to get this out. I need an answer.

"What is it about me, Gale, that makes guys need something more…someone else? Why am I not enough? Why wasn't I enough for you?" I close my eyes and steel myself for his answer. It's a question I have asked myself a thousand times over the last three years but had nearly put behind me. Until last night.

Fresh tears threaten to surface again and I swallow thickly, trying to push them back and not make a fool of myself again. When he doesn't answer right away, I crack my eyes open just enough to see him watching me with sorrow in his eyes. He takes a deep breath, his whole body seemingly deflating, and folds himself down on the spot next to me on my bed, close enough so the whole length our bodies touch, but he doesn't move to put an arm around me, or hold my hand. Instead he mirrors my position, elbows on knees, head in hands.

"So that's what happened? Has he really been cheating with that Glitter chick?" The disbelief is clear in his voice. I clear my throat.

"I don't know for sure, but, no, I don't think so…it's pretty complicated though. But, you, ah, you didn't answer my question." He tilts his head to look at me sideways and I can tell he's deciding what to say or how to say it. Despite everything, Gale doesn't take pleasure in hurting me.

"It wasn't you, Catnip." He shakes his head and heaves out another breath. "I was stupid and too damn self-important and absorbed in myself to see what I was destroying. But it wasn't you. If I could go back…everything would be different. I hated myself for a long, long time for doing that to you…I still do."

If we could go back...would it really make a difference? Would I even want it to go back to that? We were never really good for each other and I truly believe we would have ended in a firestorm somehow, anyway. His infidelity just made it a clean, fast break. Easier in a way, but no less messy and painful. Our passion stemmed from clashing personalities that were just too stubborn and similar to blend. It was never physically powerful. It never had that kind of heat. Maybe that's why he sought out others to fulfill him and why I never felt the overwhelming urge to take that final step with him.

And then there's Peeta. Passion and heat have never been our problem. Or maybe it is our problem…it helps us ignore all our other problems. Distracts us from what is really wrong - our complete inability to communicate and our relentless past histories. If I could go back, would I want to take back these last three months? They've been hard, with entirely too much outside interference, but I don't regret them. I wonder if it was just us, away from everything, would we be different? Would we survive or would we always find something to pull us apart? Would there always be an element of our pasts haunting us?

I twist the infinity ring on my finger. My past. Circling my finger. Still.

No wonder we are where we are.

The lump in my throat is a jagged rock now and I shoo Gale out, telling him I will be ready to leave in a few hours.

They take turns checking on me. All of them. Even Annie, though she and Finn have been holed up in his room enjoying each other for most of the day. I chase them all away and try to pack a few things to go home. Most of my clothes are upstairs with Peeta, so I'm left with mostly sweats. No matter. It's just home. Just Gale. And I can't go upstairs. His heavy footfalls are anvils on my heart.

I stare at the boxes of papers in my closet. I wonder if he'll need anymore of my papers or study guides while I'm gone? I can text him, I guess.

_Coward._

_God, my heart hurts._

Again, tears sting my eyes. This just feels wrong. I don't know how to do this.

I have my head against the wall in the back of my closet, trying to swallow the tears threatening to consume me, when I hear Peeta clear his throat behind me. I swipe at my cheeks before turning to him, failing miserably in my attempt to smile.

"Is this really over, Katniss?" he croaks. There's a tremble to his voice that I have never heard before. "Please, baby, I love you. This can't be over." A flash of anger burns through me again. I can barely look at him, but at the same time I can't tear my eyes away from him. I swear there is an invisible fiber tying us together and right now it's strangling my heart. Slicing right through it. I push past him into the openness of my room, escaping the confines of that damn closet where it feels like he is sucking all the air out of the tiny room.

"You know, sometimes I swear you just say the words and don't actually mean it. You've got a hell of a way of showing me you love me, Peeta," I say, hotly.

"If there's one thing you have to know, it's that, Katniss. That will never change. Please, tell me what to do to make this not be over."

I don't want to answer him. I want to be stubborn and make him suffer, but it's the pleading behind the pools of his blue eyes and the ache in his voice that breaks my resolve.

"You have to make me understand, Peeta. Do you even realize how much you hurt me?" He nods his head slightly as he sits next to me on the bed. He's careful not to touch me, sensing that's not what I want. "I mean, is there something going on between you? Do you have feelings for her? Is that why she was able to get her claws so deeply into you?" My words are choked and broken, like I'll swallow my tongue at any moment. He rubs his hands over his face harshly.

"Gale said you were tossing that idea around." Gales name brings me up short and I look at him shocked.

"Yeah, I got a visit from him a little while ago, too. Along with everyone else. Not that any of them could make me feel worse than I already did…do." He hangs his head low on his shoulders so his bangs curtain his eyes. "Shit, Katniss. I never wanted you to think that. There is absolutely nothing there. Nothing. I would never cheat on you."

When he lifts his head he swipes his bangs up over the top of his hair, causing them to stand on end. He looks ridiculous and my hand automatically moves to smooth them down before I can think better of it. Hope springs into his eyes at my touch and I quickly yank my hand back to my lap.

"Then what is it? The baby? Why do you feel so responsible for her? I just don't understand."

"No, it's not the baby. I mean, I was upset at first, but…" he puffs out a breath and the hair I just smoothed flies in the air. He really needs a haircut. "She's really unstable, Katniss." He pauses, but my eyes urge him to continue.

"Look, Katniss, I realize I let it get way out of hand. I understand that now, but I just didn't know what to do. I really didn't. At first I didn't know how serious she was, thought she was just depressed, like I told you, and I just blew her off, and then Delly calls me in a panic the other day saying she's got razor blades…," he trails off, remembering for a second and shakes his head sadly. "And then last night…I know it's no excuse and I handled everything completely wrong, but…I don't know, Katniss. I'm just so fucking sorry this happened. It all happened so quickly and spiraled out of control. And I feel like a complete asshole for shutting you out and leaving you last night. I just couldn't think past anything but what was happening in the moment. I would never have forgiven myself if she had actually done it. That's all I kept thinking about."

He moves to take my hand and I let him. He brings it to his lips and places a kiss on the back.

"You have to forgive me, Kat. I know I was wrong." His eyes fall closed as he rubs his cheek over the place he just kissed. I want to give in to him, to just let everything go and forget it ever happened. But I can't. Not yet.

"So, um," I stutter, words flying out of my head as he brings me closer to his body, arm going around my shoulders. He smells so good and that all too familiar current is running between our bodies. I pull my hand from his and stand, trying to gather myself and try my words again. "So what's going to change? What are you going to do about her, Peeta?"

"Nothing," he says quickly. My eyes shoot to his. "I mean, _I'm_ not going to do anything anymore. You were right, this is way out of my league…and it's not my responsibility. I see that now. I talked to Delly this morning and told her I'm out. We even went to their house mom, Effie, and let her know what was going on. But that's it, Katniss. I'm done with her. I promise."

I want to believe him. But the word 'promise' just rings so false to me after last night. I turn my back to him when he stands from his place on the bed. Tears are silently running over my cheeks. Again.

I know that this very thing is what makes Peeta, Peeta. He's too good to ever shut someone out that is suicidal. But it doesn't make me feel any better. There is still a part of me that feels left out of everything. Not just in this situation. We always talk _after_ the situation is too far gone. The pregnancy, his grades, baseball, suicide. He leaves me out of everything until it's too late and now the trust is broken between us.

His arms circling around my waist and turning me into him bring me out of my thoughts. One of his hands cups the side of my face, moving the hair from around my eyes so he can study them intently. He separates and bends his legs slightly, bringing his face closer to my level. I like it when he does that, it makes me not feel so small, like we're on a more level playing field.

"Please, Katniss. You have to believe me." He kisses my temples and then each eye-lid. "I can't be without you. I need you. Forgive me?" He kisses both my cheeks and the fragile skin under my eyes before capturing my lips with his, his kiss salty from my tears. I sigh into him, sinking further and letting him surround me, consume me. It's not until I feel myself being settled back on my bed with him hovering over me and his hardness pressed tight between my legs that I come back to myself.

"No, no, no," I say pushing him off me, my breath coming quick and heavy as I scramble up to the headboard and away from him. It's just so damn easy to get lost like that. I swear he clouds my brain to the point where I just can't think. "No, this solves nothing, Peeta. This," I say motioning between us urgently, "this is what is wrong. We always gloss over everything and fall into bed. I'm not doing it anymore."

His face is stricken and confused as he stands at the foot of the bed adjusting himself uncomfortably. He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off.

"I want to believe you about Glimmer. I do. But, honestly, Peeta, that's not really even the heart of the problem. The real problem is we never talk." He moves to protest, but I cut him off again. "We don't, Peeta. We pretend to talk, saying just enough to give the appearance of talking, but we never solve anything and we always…_always…_end up having sex instead of solving anything. We can't hide behind that anymore. You have to let me in. It's destroying us."

"So what do we do?" he says, defeated, slumping his big body on the foot of the bed.

I gather as much courage as I can muster. "I need some space. I need to be able to trust you again. I need enough space to figure this out."

"Space." His voice hoarsely cracks. "That sounds a lot like a break-up."

"It's space." I say, feeling a little stronger now that it's out. "I'm going home for a few days. To think. Get my head straight."

"Home?" His eyebrows screw together and then his eyes narrow into slits, understanding darkening his eyes. "With him?"

"Not like that. Just home, to see my sister." I nervously twist the ring on my finger. His frown deepens as he eyes my fidgeting hand.

"I don't like it. I don't want you going home with him. I still don't trust him." His eyes flicker to my fingers again and he shakes his head. I pull the ring hastily off and toss it in the bedside table drawer. It's just a symbol, but if we're going to really try to fix this, I have to recognize my part in it too. His nod is brief, but I catch his acknowledgement.

He slaps his hands on his knees as he lifts himself off the bed and sighs loudly.

"OK. Space." His head bobs up and down as he rubs the back of his neck, as if trying to convince himself this is a good idea. "OK."

I have an almost undeniable urge to launch myself off the bed and into his arms. The muscles in my legs even flex in preparation and I have to clench my fists tightly to keep myself from moving, my nails biting into the flesh of my palms as a reminder to keep my distance.

"Peeta…I…" I squeeze my hands tighter to stop the words before they escape. Not because I don't mean them, or because I want to deny him, but because it doesn't seem fair to tell him I love him when everything still feels so unsure.

"I'll, um, see you in a few days."

* * *

_Wow! You guys are so awesome! A lot of you had _really _strong reactions to the last chapter! Because of all the reviews, I spent a lot of time getting this chapter ready so I could post quickly. Hopefully it answers your questions and concerns._

_I was really proud to have written a chapter that compelled so many of you to review. Chapter 15 was emotional for me to write and I'm glad you found it just as emotional and heartbreaking as I did._

_Please keep the reviews coming. Tell me where your thoughts are and how you think I'm doing.  
_

_Lastly, join me on tumblr. There are a lot of great writers and readers over there and it's a lot of fun to chat about everything Everlark.  
_

_libertysue dot tumblr dot com  
_


	17. Chapter 17

"Can you _please _stop with the sighing?"

We've been in the car for a couple of hours now and Gale is obviously getting very annoyed with me. I have to keep reminding myself why I decided to make this trip. Prim. I want to see my little sister. Make sure she is ok. Make sure she's not making a mistake.

I tell myself I'm not running away from my problems. From Peeta.

That's when the latest sigh escapes.

"Jesus, Katniss, if you sigh one more time I swear I'm going to make you walk." I don't answer him. I haven't really said much this trip. I just stare out the window at the passing trees. There's really not much more to this part of the country. Just rolling hills and trees. Every once and awhile there are a smattering of run-down houses lining the hillside. I try to focus on the rise and fall of the landscape. The beauty of the crimson and gold blanketing the mountains, evergreens adding depth to natures canvas. My focus wavers, though, because all I can imagine is Peeta at his easel bringing the countryside to life with the long strokes of his paintbrush. He would easily capture the beauty.

I never brought him to Seam, my home. I never felt comfortable showing him the place I grew up. Seam, West - by-god - Virginia. Coal country. Where coal-powered factories and long-vacant steel mills line the river like hollowed out carcasses left for buzzards. Where faces are ruddy with years of hard, back-breaking work in the mills and mines and everything is covered in the dark soot that falls from the air and clings to everything it lands on, mocking the natural beauty that surrounds the valleys.

So very different from the shiny, Norman Rockwell town he's from.

Another sigh is out before I can stop it, followed by a long, tired sigh from Gale.

"I can't believe I'm going to say this, Katniss, but I think you need to forgive him." I raise an eyebrow at him, waiting for the punch line. "I know you're hurt, but is what he did really cause for this? Look at you; you're miserable."

"I've been miserable before and I made it out ok," I murmur under my breath. He hears me, though, and hangs his head a little.

We fall back into silence until he turns off the highway and onto the run that will take us up to the seam, the place that gives our little town its name. It's a ridge between two strip mines where our neighborhood is located. The houses along the run are more dilapidated than most, falling in on themselves, paint peeling off in long, jagged strips; old skeletons of scrap cars strewn haphazardly among the weeds of untended yards.

Little has changed here. I suppose nothing ever changes where life is leashed by a blue collar.

"I hate this place. I wish mom would leave," he says emphatically, his lip curling in disgust. He always wanted more than the seam could give him. He was always dreaming of escaping the tether of the mines that bound so many to this way of life.

"Why do you think they stay?"

He shrugs. Neither of us ever understood and had begged our mothers to move. Anywhere would have been better than this place where memories haunt every hill and every corner.

"What do you think you'll do after graduation?" It's a simple question, really. One that shouldn't cause my insides to curdle.

"I don't know. We haven't really discussed it yet." I answer plainly.

"We, huh?" I hadn't noticed I said that, but Peeta was at the forefront of my mind. I shrug and avert my eyes out the window so he won't see them glistening.

"I thought so…not so sure now."

His fingers dance on the steering wheel.

"You're different with him. Better," he says quietly. He glances at me, but still keeps his eyes on the twists and turns in the road ahead. "You're brighter…lighter or something. I don't know. More confident." I scoff at that. I've felt anything but confident the last couple of months.

"I thought you'd try to convince me to leave him, record and then tour with you."

"But you don't really want that, do you?"

"No," I say tentatively, not sure where he's going with this.

"I just want you to be happy, Catnip. I won't push anymore." For reasons that I don't understand this makes me angry, and when I shift quickly in my seat, my knee hits his coffee, causing it to splash all over the console.

"Then why all the histrionics when Peeta and I got together, Gale? You were such an ass that you actually made me punch you," I screech at him as I stab at the liquid mess with a handful of napkins from the glove box.

"Jealous, I guess. He always wanted you, Katniss. It was always so obvious to everyone but you. Even when we were still together I could see it in the way he was around you and I hated the thought of you with him; it made me crazy. Didn't help that I was drinking all the time, too…you know how I get when I drink."

"You're an ass," I say plainly. He chuckles.

"I know…I'm a mean drunk…It's why I prefer weed."

"God, Gale, I hated you. That day you cornered me in my room I was almost afraid of you. I've never felt like that with you."

"I know, and I'm sorry for that." Something inside me softens. Gale never says he's sorry.

"So why the change of heart?"

"That day in the hospital. I could see it in your eyes. I knew I didn't have a chance. I knew you were his and there was nothing I could do about it. You didn't need me anymore."

He frowns a little and fidgets in his seat, his knees causing the keys to jingle in the ignition. The more I think about it, the more I realize just how different he has been the last few weeks. He's been socializing more with everyone, save Peeta, in the house. He hasn't been picking fights with me or making snide, backhanded comments. If anything, he's been supportive and kind.

"Madge and I talked some after that. She's, ah, been nice…" I can feel the scowl sinking into my forehead. So, that was what the look between them was about.

I don't like it.

"And what did you _talk_ about," I say through gritted teeth. I don't try to keep the malice out of my voice. Anyone but Madge. Gale will chew her up and spit her out in no time, and I won't let him do that to her.

I'm facing him completely now. I want to see his face when he talks about her. I want to see what's going on behind his words. I see something flash in his eyes, but he's quick with a mask. He thinks better of whatever he was about to say and settles on something less direct. Which in itself is strange. Gale is always direct with me. We've never been the type to hold any punches with each other.

"She just made me see things from a different perspective. That's all."

"That is _so _not all. Don't fuck with her, Gale, or I swear I will have your balls."

"I'm not fucking with her, Katniss. I like her. She's a good person…way too good for me." I groan. Loudly. My jaw is starting to ache from clenching it so tightly.

We don't speak again.

* * *

I find it difficult to concentrate on anything other than the glow emanating from my little sister. I can't help but be happy for her. She's always been a happy girl, so much like Peeta in that she has always been quick with a smile and a kind word. Everyone likes Prim the second they meet her. There's no warming up to Prim, you just instantly love her.

Just like Peeta.

Why does everything always come back to Peeta?

As I watch her move about the room easily maneuvering between different conversations with a natural grace, I can't help but think something has changed in her. She wears a maturity and a confidence I haven't seen before. Moreover, there is something in the way she looks at Rory that tells me he is it for her. That he's the one. I see no doubt in her blue eyes. They soften and her whole body relaxes into him when he is around.

"That's it," Gale says, startling me as he lays an arm across my shoulders as I watch them from the doorway. "That's the look that told me I didn't have a chance anymore. You look at Peeta just like that and after I thought about it, I realized you never looked at me that way, Catnip." He fumbles with the end of my braid, giving it a slight yank so I'll look at him. When he speaks again, his voice is so soft he has to lean into me so I'll hear.

"I don't want what I did to you to keep you from being happy. If he makes you happy, then fix whatever went wrong."

I can't explain the feeling inside me at his words. It's like something inside me relaxes. Relief, almost, but not quite.

He's letting me go.

I turn myself into him and give him a long, tight hug. The type of hug we haven't shared in a long time. A hug that says he's my oldest friend and that, even after all the shit he's put me through, we can at least still be that.

I hadn't really considered it before, but I suppose I've let his infidelity bleed over into my relationship with Peeta. I've never been the most communicative person in the world. Nor have I ever been the most demonstrative. I have always been too reserved to feel comfortable showing affection. But, since Gale's betrayal those qualities have doubled. Add to that an inability to fully trust someone with my heart again, and it just seems to spell disaster for my relationship with Peeta.

I am ashamed to admit that the first thought I had when Peeta left with Glimmer the night of the concert was that he was cheating. It was the same thought when he was sneaking around with her before I knew about the pregnancy. I didn't want to admit it, but the thought had lingered, out of sight at the back of my mind.

Why wouldn't it? I'd already been burned before.

But, the fact is, Peeta didn't cheat and I believe him when he says he won't. I know him better than that. I know what kind of person he is. But, is that enough, though? Is the promise of fidelity enough when I am still not sure he will open up and put me first?

I make my way back to my bedroom to settle in for the night. Watching Prim and Rory together is making me long for Peeta and I just need to be alone with my thoughts. I need to figure this out.

When I open my duffle, I don't find it haphazardly packed with sweat pants and t-shirts left over in my closet as I had done before we left. Instead, I find 2 pairs of my favorite jeans, a couple shirts and my favorite sweatshirt of Peeta's all nicely folded into neat little squares next to a stack of perfectly rolled wool socks and panties.

He packed for me.

When did he find the time to do this without my knowledge? I pull the Panem University sweatshirt to my face and inhale. I am instantly filled with all things Peeta and I feel my eyes well. Why is this so hard?

I set the sweatshirt down beside the bag and try, unsuccessfully, to meticulously refold the garment. I reach in the bag to find something to sleep in when I find an old sketchbook tucked under my clothes.

I recognize the sketch book as one of the many Peeta has stacked on the top shelf of his closet. I've never bothered to snoop through them, always thinking he'd show me if he wanted me to see, but I'd be lying if I said I never wondered what his hand had crafted inside the bindings.

What lies inside this one is a history of us. So many moments that have defined us over the years lie between these pages. Everything from the porch where we spent most of the first frat party we went to the night we met, to the view outside our front window when we were snowed in last winter, to me lying on the ball field where he confessed his childhood to me with Brutus.

I'm not in all the drawings. Sometimes it's just the scene or maybe my profile off to the side, a hint of a smile ghosting my features, but most are just poignant moments meant to be remembered. Moments we shared. Together.

What ultimately pulls the tears from my eyes is the emotion he somehow conveys in the sketches.

My favorite is the sunrise from the roof of the Humanities building where we snuck up one night during our freshman year. All of us: Finn, Jo, Madge, Peeta and I spent the night up there after Jo heard an upperclassman talking about a way to the roof. Apparently it was a right of passage kind of thing. We spent the night drinking and getting high. They never said so, but that night was meant to get me out of the doldrums I'd been living in the months after my breakup with Gale. It had worked too. In a way it was a defining moment for me. It was the first time I'd let myself live in the moment and be happy without Gale. It was the first time I'd consciously allowed myself to move on.

He'd known that. It's written in the strokes of his pencil.

It's not long before my eyes are watering to the point of blindness and I have to hold the book away from me in order to preserve the sketches from my free-falling tears.

Sometime during my journey through the pages of our story, Prim silently moves into the room and rubs my back as I try to recover from the assault of memories. Her soft circles slowly release me from the vice on my heart. I exhale a shaky breath as she pulls the sketch book from my hands and slowly flips through the pages.

"He's really talented, Katniss," she says quietly. "Looks like he's documented your entire relationship."

"Yeah, he's an incredible artist," I mumble, my voice still shaking with snivels.

"It's more than that. There's a reverence to these…especially the ones of you." She pauses, setting the book beside me, taking the tie out of my braid and gently separating the pieces. "Tell me what happened. You've been so sad since you got here and then I find you like this; you're a mess."

Her voice is soft and soothing. Everything that is Prim comes through in the tone of her voice and I want to confess everything to her. Just let every sordid detail of our relationship out to my little sister. Every wrong. Every misdeed that the two of us have done since we've been together. Because he is not alone in fault. He may have been the last to fail, but I have a huge part too.

"So, I guess the question is, Katniss, is this a deal breaker for you? Is this enough for you to walk away? Because it's pretty obvious to me that you are in love with him,"she prompt when I am done with my confession.

"I don't know what to do, Prim. It just feels broken. It hurts. Every time I think about him, I hurt. I just don't know if I can go through this again. What if it happens again? Or what if next time it's worse? I don't know if I would ever recover. Part of me just wants to close my heart off so I won't ever have to feel like this again," I cry, my voice breaking and the tears begin to free-fall again.

She takes my face between her thin hands and makes me look at her, her thumbs gently brushing the tears aside.

"Opening yourself to a serious relationship is a risk. And it's hard work, too. Running really isn't an option," she says pointedly. "Are you running, Katniss? Is that why you're here?" I close my eyes, unable to look her in the eye.

"I came to visit you."

"Mmmhmm," she says knowingly. I let out a long, annoyed sigh. When did she get so smart?

"I just can't be close to him right now. I've got too much to think about and he clouds my judgment."

"How's he do that?" She sits beside me on the bed, all her attention firmly on me.

I puff out a breath, not at all comfortable talking about this with her. I still picture her as my baby sister, but when I look at her and listen to her it's obvious she's more mature than even I am. Somehow along the way, I've let myself become emotionally stunted and my little sister has taken the role of the big sister.

"He just, I mean we just…oh god…every time we should be talking, we end up in bed." Her eyes get wide and her mouth forms an "o" but she still urges me to go on with a motion of her hand. "It's like I can't think when his hands are on me."

"And this is a problem because…" she prompts. My face flushes hotly.

"Because, Prim, we never solve anything that way. He uses sex to hide. It's his way of avoiding or escaping his problems. Now it's become a real problem because I've been letting him and we never confront our issues."

I'm on a roll now and the words begin to tumble out of my mouth.

"Going all the way back to before we were even having sex he was still escaping into my body…the night he found out Glimmer was pregnant…oh god, he never even entered me and he had me…oh god, did I just say that out loud?" I hide my head, the embarrassment too much. She only smiles encouragingly at me.

"You really don't have to be embarrassed with me, Katniss. You caught me mid-orgasm with Rory when I was 16." I chuckle a little and roll my eyes. I don't know when she became so practical and grown-up about everything, but it's starting to make me feel foolish. I need to let go of these hang-ups and just grow up.

"The first time we had sex was right after I punched Gale and he told me about Glimmer. It's like I was marking my territory or something. All logic flew out the window and I was so emotional…I just had to have him. Make him mine somehow. And now it's become almost like a sick habit. Anytime we want to forget or avoid or escape we crawl inside each other."

"There's nothing wrong with finding comfort in each other. I think it's rather quite healthy. But, it sounds like you guys just need to find some balance."

She taps her fingers on her chin like she's in deep thought.

"Ok, here's an idea. Maybe you guys could make a pact that anytime something is bothering one of you, you have to talk about it and resolve it before you have sex. Once you come to an agreement, then you can get all freaky." A big guffaw escapes me before I can stop it.

"You make it sound so easy."

"Not at all, Katniss. Nothing worthwhile is easy. No matter what your stunted heart is telling you, I believe love is the most worthwhile thing there is. It makes life worth living, even when it's shitty." She takes my hand in hers and tilts her head to the side, intently studying my eyes. "It's pretty obvious to me you love him and I think it'd be a huge mistake for you to let him go. He has to be worth the fight to put that light in your eyes even when you're miserable. So fight for him, Katniss. If there's a chance you think you're you're in love with him and you think you could be happy with him, you have to fight for that."

"When did you get so brave and smart?" I ask, pulling her into my arms and hugging her as tightly to me as I can. My baby sister is all grown up and I couldn't be more proud.

"I had the best teacher."

* * *

It's probably too cold to stay outside for any length of time, but I dig my fathers old leather hunting jacket out of the closet and head into the woods anyway. Gale had caught me on the way out and asked if I wanted company, but I told him I just wanted to be alone.

I climb up into a tree not far from the house. Just far enough to be alone with my thoughts. It's cold enough that the woods are mostly silent. No rustling from tiny bugs and critters can be heard under the fallen leaves that blanket the ground. There is the steady drone from the coal mine just over the adjacent ridge, the noisy slide and crash of the coal being dumped down the shoots and into the oversized dump trucks ready to be transported to the power plants in the valley. I hardly notice the noise, though. It's been there my entire life; more like white noise than the obnoxious cacophony it would be to someone who hadn't spent a lifetime blocking it out.

My thoughts drift to my father and how different my life would have been if he'd lived. These are thoughts I'm very familiar with, especially with the anniversary of his death so close. The closer it gets to the day, the more thoughts of him make it past my subconscious and into the forefront of my mind. Today, I can't help but wonder what he would say about Peeta. Would he want me to work things out with him? I know he would have loved Peeta. And my father believed in love. Prim is so much like him in that way. I can hear the words she said to me coming from his mouth so clearly.

He fought for the love of his life. When class division threatened to keep him and my mother apart he fought to keep them together. When her parents disowned my mother, he made sure she knew she was loved and would always be taken care of. He was proud of that and the story was his favorite to tell and always one I loved to hear.

Had he lived I might have held that same belief. Love conquers all and all that shit. I suppose I'm just too jaded now and I really don't know if I can open my heart up to that kind of heartache again. But I don't know if I'm ready to walk away either. I can't imagine my life without him but, at the same time, I don't know how to fix this mess either. My heart aches just thinking about it.

My phone rings and when I pull it from my pocket I see Peeta's face smiling back at me and a whole different kind of heartache fills me.

"I just needed to hear your voice," he says quietly when I answer. His voice is like warm water running over me. I sink into my dad's hunting jacket and I pull Peeta's sweatshirt up around my nose so I can breathe him in. Make him feel closer. No matter how much I tell myself I need space and I don't know if I can handle being with him, the fact of the matter is, there is still an undeniable force between us that pulls me toward him. No matter how far apart we are.

"Oh, Peeta, how did this happen?" The words rush out of me on little more than a whisper.

"Come home, Katniss. Please. Just come home and let's work this out," he pleads.

"We'll be home tomorrow." He's quiet for a moment and I can practically hear the question in his silence. I'm not proud to admit this, but part of me wants him to stew in his thoughts about me and Gale here alone, together. Make him feel what I felt when he would disappear with Glimmer, but I don't. We need to trust each other; not perpetuate the problem by being immature and vindictive.

"He wants us to work this out." By the sound he makes, it's obvious he doesn't believe me. "It's true. He says he wants me to be happy. He isn't even pushing me to record and tour anymore."

He still doesn't say anything so I continue.

"You know there's nothing like that between us, right?"

"I don't know," he mutters. "It just seems like he has a part of you that I'll never have, Katniss. You guys have this creepy way of communicating without even speaking, you know each other so well, and you and I can't even maneuver our way through a conversation anymore. It's a little daunting, you know? It's like you two share so much history, how am I supposed to compete with that?"

I don't know how to answer him. Gale and I have been through so much together. We survived something no child should ever have to go through and we did it together. He's always been there, and I don't know what my life would be without him. At the same time, though, our relationship has been changing so much lately and I'm not entirely sure how he's going to fit into it now. But I do know I don't feel the same way about him as I do Peeta, and I need to find a way to make him understand that.

"There's no competition Peeta. None. He may have my past, but you have everything else. It was written in the pages of your sketch book. That's why you wanted me to see that, isn't it? To make me realize everything we have is more than just the last couple of weeks?" My voice is more urgent than I mean for it to be because I'm so frustrated I can't see him. See what he's thinking.

But when he speaks, I hear hope in his voice for the first time in days…maybe weeks.

"So we have a chance? You said everything else. Do you mean that? I haven't completely ruined everything?"

I take a deep breath, remembering my conversation with Prim.

"No, it's not ruined. But there's so much uncertainty…so much we need to fix." The chuckle that escapes when I think of Prim quickly turns into a nervous one. "However, my baby sister says that everything worthwhile takes work…we're worth it, don't you think?"

_Please say we're worth it._

"Of course we're worth it." His voice is deep and thick and filled with emotion. I let out a huge sigh of relief. It's probably a good thing we're so far apart because I just want to touch him. Hold him until this is all over. I shake myself from that thought as he continues.

"And, yes, that's exactly why I put that sketch book in there for you. I wanted you to see us how I've always seen us. There is so much more to us than just the last couple of weeks. When I think back over the last three years, everything always comes back to you. Everything. Every thought. Every feeling. Every moment. I need you to know how much you mean to me." He takes a deep breath in and I imagine him with his hair all over his head because he's been raking his finger through it. I feel the corners of my mouth lift.

"Katniss, I'm serious when I say I don't want to live this life without you. It would be meaningless for me. Whatever it takes, I'll do it. I want us to fix this."

"I want that, too," I whisper, trying to choke back another onslaught of tears. I close my eyes and let his words sink in and in that moment I know things will be ok. We have a lot of work to do. A lot of old habits to break, but I think that maybe in the end we'll be better for it.

A car horn blaring in the background and a car door opening and shutting on his end distracts my next thought.

"Where are you? You sound like you're outside."

"Yeah, I'm painting. In the middle of a project."

"Outside? It's kind of cold, isn't it?" More car horns and a couple of shouts. Where is he?

"Yeah, but this is important."

"How's school going anyway?" I ask, directing our conversation into another grey area filled with land mines. We navigate them pretty easily as I jump out of the tree and head back to the warmth of the house, a content smile covering my face, the gentle, even happy tone of his voice settling deep into every fiber in my body leaving me warm and buoyant for the first time in what seems like forever.

We're talking. Really talking about things that are bothering him. Things that matter.

As I bound up the stairs, two at a time, to the back door of the house, I finally feel like we have a chance and we really can stitch the pieces of our hearts back together.

* * *

_Hope! _

_We're at the home stretch not. Just a couple more chapters left.  
_

_Please leave some feedback. I love to hear what you have to say.  
_

_Thanks for reading! Thanks, Katnissinme, for keeping me on the straight and narrow.  
_


	18. Chapter 18

There are a lot of good things about bartending. It's fun, there's the occasional free drink, good music…all things that I find make this job a tolerable way to pay my way through college.

Right now I'm grateful for the two feet of bar top separating me from Peeta.

I've only been home for 2 days but it's been increasingly difficult to keep my hands off him, and the way his hooded eyes follow me from under the fringe of his golden bangs, it's everything I can do to keep from leaping over the bar and having my way with him right now.

It's been too long.

Nine days and counting since we were alone together.

I'm starving.

I set a tall glass of Guinness in front of him and his hand wraps around mine before I can pull it away. My entire body hums to life.

"Come home with me tonight, Katniss. To our bed." I can tell he can feel it too. That ever-present current that runs between us. He pulls my hand closer to him and rubs his lips over my knuckles. "Please."

He's not playing fair tonight.

We've spent most of the time we've had together since I've been back either in a group - Finn calls himself our chaperone - or like we are now, separated by a bar. We've talked - a lot. He's opening himself to me, and I suppose I'm opening myself to him as well.

I feel like I'm getting to know the real Peeta. I'm understanding him more. The real him. Not just the sweet, happy boy who lives above me that likes to play baseball and paint and who can do amazing things with his hands. The boy he shows the world.

No, this Peeta, while still so sweet and kind, is also a man who is still trying to learn that not everything is his fault and he doesn't have to shoulder the weight of the world on his own. He's a damaged boy who has had love pulled from him too many times by the hands of his mother.

Trust is not something he finds easy. Nor do I, for that matter.

When Gale and I first got back from Seam, things were still tense between Peeta and I even though we had talked several times on the phone while I was there. Seeing us walk into the house together had flipped something inside Peeta and his eyes turned green.

"Everything went ok?" he had asked, grabbing my bag out of my hand and turning to go up to my room. Before he got too far I grabbed his arm and pulled him back to me.

"Peeta, wait. What's bothering you?" Although I had a pretty good idea what it was, I needed him to say it. He huffed out a long breath and dropped my bag on the floor with a resounding thud.

"I just don't think seeing the two of you together is ever going to be easy for me. I couldn't wait for you to get home and then just seeing you together…I seriously just want to kick his ass. I wish you didn't need him so much."

"I don't need him as much as you seem to think I do. Nothing happened, Peeta. Nothing ever will. That part of my life is long over."

"I just want you to need me the way you need him…the way I need you."

"I do."

"Then why don't I feel like you do?" I didn't really know what to say to make him feel it, so I did the only thing I knew how to do and pulled him close and kissed him. I poured everything into that kiss, willing him to understand what my mind couldn't say. It was the first kiss we had shared in days and it was awkward and unsure, his lips hard and unyielding at first.

And then I felt his whole body soften and his mouth yield to mine and I had hope.

Why is it that our bodies can speak to each other so much better than our voices?

I pulled away from him before we became consumed in the moment.

"I didn't go there for him, Peeta. I didn't go there because I needed him or I needed to find comfort in him."

"No, you went to get away from me - I get that. But why him?"

How do you explain something you don't fully understand yourself?

"He's always been there, Peeta. Always. And I guess I just haven't known how to let him go…but I'm trying, ok? I really am trying. And, I'm sorry if me going with him made it worse for you."

"I just need to be the person you run to when things get hard, Katniss."

I cocked my head at him and raised my eyebrows.

"That's exactly what I need from you, too."

He chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Well, it looks like we're on the same page then." His whole body relaxed then and he finally pulled me into his arms and gave me a proper hello. One that said 'I missed you' in all the right ways.

And so we are learning to trust together. Everyday I feel us growing back together, piece by piece, filling in the blanks and learning about each other in ways we had ignored before.

And every day I realize more and more just how much I need him. Not just physically, either, though that is powerful enough all on its own. There is a rabbit hole around the corner that I can feel pulling me. Every year, the same thing. The anniversary of my father's death looms like a vulture ready to devour me. But this year I don't have Gale. This year I don't _want_ Gale.

This year I want Peeta. I need him to help me get through this.

And every day it's getting harder and harder to be apart from him.

I lean over the bar and into him. I won't be able to deny him much longer. As his soft lips capture mine, I run my free hand through his hair. I pull away and look curiously at the rough spot my fingers found.

"Peeta, you have paint in your hair…blue…and white…green." His hand flies up to meet mine and he smiles sheepishly. There are dots of it over his hands and under his nails as well, but that isn't all that unusual.

"Yeah, about that." He twists his fingers together nervously. "I've got something to show you…tonight? I can take you home after you're done here and we'll stop on the way."

"I can't. Annie's coming to get me when I'm done here." His face falls a little.

"After you get home then?" I nod my head and lean closer to him.

His hand cups the side of my face. I lean into it. The room shrinks in on itself until it feels like it's just the two of us, him on his stool and me leaning over the bar with my face inches from his.

Haymitch shatters the moment by loudly clearing his throat behind me.

I slide off the bar and back to the floor, my face flaming red at losing myself so thoroughly in public - again. Peeta flashes me a quick grin, his eyes twinkling and excuses himself to the bathroom.

"You and the kid back on solid ground again?" Haymitch says gruffly as he pours himself a couple fingers of Beam.

"Getting there." He nods his head a couple of times and sets the glass on the counter next to the register. It dings open and he pulls a couple of fifties out and replaces them with a couple stacks of ones and fives.

"Good. Good." I raise my eyebrow at him as I rummage through the cooler for a bottle of Red Stripe. "What? I like the kid." He shrugs his hunched shoulders and smoothes his greasy, errant hair out of his face.

"What do you know, old man?"

"He smoothes out all your sharp edges, sweetheart. Makes you more likeable." He draws out the syllables of 'likeable' annoyingly and then sucks his teeth at me. "You got a whole lot of edges, girl. "

"Thanks a lot."

"You asked," he says on a bark of laughter before slinking back to his cave.

_Yeah, I suppose I did._

I glance at the St. Pauli Girl clock on the wall. Another hour until Johanna relieves me and I can go home.

Will tonight be the night? I still don't know if I'm ready.

As his arms snake around my waist, sending a pool of warmth to my core, I know my body is ready but I still don't know if my head is.

He nuzzles my neck, holding me close.

"You shouldn't be back here, Peeta."

"Why? Because of Haymitch? He loves me. We bonded while you were gone." I groan, partly because Peeta and Haymitch 'bonding' does not sound like a good thing and partly because when he shrugs his large shoulders behind me I can feel the hard planes of his muscles glide along my back and I instantly wish we were somewhere a little less public.

"Or is it because you don't want me touching you?" His breath tickles the sensitive skin of my neck causing goose bumps to erupt all over my body.

"You know I can't think when you touch me like that," I breathe, my voice filled with an embarrassing amount of want. I glance up at him through the bottles that line the mirror behind the bar. The dim can lights above reflecting off them seem to electrify his blue eyes.

It's always the eyes.

"I want to be with you…no, I _need_ to be with you, Katniss. I miss you so much. I miss falling asleep and waking with you in my arms. I miss the feel of your body under mine while I move inside you. I miss the arch of your back, the way your face softens and the shudder that consumes you when you come. I need to be with you tonight. I need to be inside you."

The velvet in his voice. The heat of his body. He's intoxicating. And I am burning.

I turn myself into him, ready to meld my mouth to his when the door opens, ushering a blast of cold air and a round of high-pitched giggles into the building.

Delly and a group of her sisters sidle up to the bar. A couple of the girls cut their eyes at us, the disdain clear, but Delly is all smiles, as usual.

Peeta kisses the side of my head and then releases me. He pulls a couple beers from the coolers, setting them in front of the girls, while I mix a couple of cosmos for the rest, trying desperately to compose myself before I do something embarrassing like dissolve into a puddle on the floor.

When the girls move into the back room, taking their daggers and spears with them, I turn to Peeta, curiosity getting the best of me.

"Have you heard how Glimmer is?"

The look in his eyes can only be described as skeptical.

He moves back to the corner seat at the bar and takes a long drink of his beer, draining most of the glass. His fingers dance rhythmically on the glass and his eyes remained trained on the swirls instead of on me. His silence is deafening.

"Talk to me, Peeta." I pull his face to look at me. "Let me in."

I tilt my head, searching his eyes, willing him to speak. His mouth turns down in a frown and I think he's going to shut down on me again.

I can see the emotions war behind his eyes.

_Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me._

Then, he tilts his head to mirror mine, questions evident and then shakes his head.

"I just don't know what you expect. You confuse me. I…," he huffs out a quick breath, eyes wandering the room. Avoiding mine. "I don't understand."

"Just tell me what you know."

"Delly came by while you were gone and filled me in on what was happening. She said Glimmer's mother and brother took her back to Nevada. That's all I know."

"OK."

"OK?" His eyebrows knit together in confusion. "That's it…just OK?"

"I don't know what more you want me to say."

"I really don't understand you, Katniss. I thought you'd be mad." He sighs in defeat and throws his hands in the air, but drops his voice to a determined whisper, not wanting to draw attention to us from the people at the bar.

"I mean, do you want me to know about her or not? I've been trying to keep away from everything and everyone concerning her because I thought that's what you wanted. I figured you'd be mad knowing I asked."

"What I don't want, Peeta, is for you to keep things from me."

"I wasn't…Delly just came by. I told you I was done with the situation."

I open my mouth to answer him, but am called away by a group at the other end of the bar. I poke my head back to call back for Haymitch, hoping he'll relieve me for awhile so Peeta and I can talk in the back.

He grumbles his way behind the bar as I finish up pouring a couple drafts, but nods his head, albeit gruffly, when I tell him I just need a few minutes with Peeta. That it is important.

I take Peeta by the hand and pull him into Haymitch's messy office and don't let go, not even when I pull him to me and press myself against him so I can kiss him as deeply as I know how. He sags against me in relief.

"I'm not mad that you asked, Peeta."

"But…" I lay the tips of my fingers over his mouth to quiet him.

God, I love him. This boy who was so starved of affection from the one person who should have given it freely and without condition. I don't want him to think I'm the same as her. No matter how unconsciously he does it, I don't want him to think I would withhold love and attention from him because he doesn't do things the right way or the way he thinks I want them.

It saddens me to understand just how much his mother has damaged him.

"Peeta, stop. I know these last few weeks have been awful, but we've been trying to find our way back. Right? And I don't want you to change who you are for me. The things I love about you - the way you care about people, the way you'll give up everything to help someone, the way you love…those are the reasons I love you and I don't want you to confuse that with what's happened to us. You can ask about Glimmer. I know you want to know. I'd be disappointed if you didn't…because that's who you are…I just want you to keep me in the loop. I want…no, I _need_…you to believe in me enough to trust me with what you are thinking and feeling."

I hold his face between my hands, willing him to understand me with my eyes.

"Trust, Peeta. That's what it all boils down to. Trust. I want to be with you. You have to trust that I want to be a part of your life…the good and the bad. Ok?"

He rests his forehead against mine. Our breath mingles hotly between us.

"OK," he whispers. Warmth washes through me when his arms enfold me.

"Just let me in and be the man I love and everything will be ok."

"You still love me?" he asks quietly against my hair.

"You know I do."

We don't spend much time in the back. I don't give him the time to do what he did to me just a few minutes ago behind the bar. No matter how much Haymitch likes the two of us, I know sex in his office would be way beyond his limits and I'd be out of a job.

"Are you guys done now?" Haymitch grouses when we come back out. He eyes us both, surveying us. His eyes land on our clasped hands. "I hope so, because I'm choking on all this damn angst."

He mumbles a few more unintelligible things under his breath as he disappears to the back again, but I don't miss the way the corners of his mouth turn up slightly as he speaks.

He really does love us.

"I'm going to go. I've got a few things to clean up." Peeta pulls me to him. I wrap my arms around him as he tucks a few strands of hair behind my ear. "What time do you think you'll be home?"

"Annie should be here in a few minutes, then we're going to run, so, I don't know, an hour or so, I guess."

He glances out the window and frowns.

"I don't like the idea of you running in the dark. Too many crazies out there."

"We'll be together. It's ok." The frown remains, but he nods.

"Keep your phone on you and call if you need to." He tilts my chin up to him so he can kiss me deeply. "Please."

I push him away from me. "Go, before I keep you here and I end up getting fired."

* * *

I don't usually run this part of town but we're not too far from campus, the bar or our house either.

We see it before we know what we are looking at. We slow our pace the closer we get.

"Is that Peeta? And Finnick?" Annie asks, grabbing my arm in her gloved hand and pulling me to a stop. We watch them struggle with a ladder as they try to fit it in the back of Peeta's jeep along with what looks like several gallons of paint.

My eyes drift away from them and to the building they are parked in front of and I gasp. My hand flies to my mouth to stifle my surprise.

Because it's me…but not me…on the side of a building. It's more of a faint outline of a figure with flowing chocolate hair and grey eyes. If you didn't know me or the artist, you'd never know it was me.

It's just a figure among the stars.

"Wow, Finnick told me he thinks you hung the moon, but this is just…wow…" Annie whispers in awe as we move closer to the wall. The whole side of the building is covered with his work.

This is the project. This is what he's been working on all week. He's painted the entire side of a building.

My hand runs over the rough surface of the painted bricks. As I look closer I realize they are not stars at all, but Katniss flowers. Thousands of little white flowers cascading like raindrops from the figures hair and filling the inky, midnight sky around her.

I walk the length of the wall, trailing my fingers over the swirling lines of the falling petals to the far corner. Thousands of flowers swirling down to the far corner where he's written a small message in the midst of it all. It's nothing fancy or poetic. No Shakespearian sonnet or lines from Neruda. Just 3 simple words.

Three little words lost in a rain of flowers.

_Please come home_

"You kind of ruined my surprise," he says close to my ear.

"You did this? How?" I ask when I feel him wrap his arms around me and pull me back into his chest. My voice seems to be lost or stuck because it comes out as barely a whisper.

He turns me to him and gently wipes a tear from my cheek with the pad of his thumb.

"I had to. I didn't know what to do when you left and what I was feeling was too big for a canvas."

That's pretty much what I'm feeling right now.

"I rented the wall from the owner. This is what I wanted to show you tonight. I just finis…" I don't give him a chance to finish his thought. It doesn't matter. I wrap my arms around his neck and press myself to him, fingers tangling in his hair, mouth moving over his franticly.

I barely register the honks and cat-calls from the street behind us as he lifts me and presses me against the wall. He groans deeply into my mouth as his hardness finds the heat that is burning between my legs and the fire that I have tried so hard to dampen down ignites into a wild fire between us.

There are so many words tumbling around the haze clouding my mind. Words of love. Words of need. But the only ones that fall are:

"Take me home."

* * *

My back hit's the wall of his room with such force one of his paintings falls to the floor and a glass of paintbrushes spills over his desk.

We are all hurried hands and hot breath and battling tongues as I tug his shirt violently over his head.

My body is blazing with a need I've never felt before. Somehow I'm still standing. I'm not entirely sure how I'm managing because my legs are trembling fiercely.

I lose the battle with my legs when his mouth latches onto my throat in that sweet spot just below my ear. He scoops me up and presses me into the wall, forehead coming to rest on mine.

"Slow," he pants. "I want to savor you tonight."

He carries me to the edge of the bed, our mouths fused together in the kind of kisses that are deep and wide. Unrushed but not lacking in intensity. The kind that leave your jaw aching and your heart gasping.

My legs reluctantly find purchase on the floor and I steady myself with my hands on his shoulders as he kneels before me, easing my pants slowly down my legs. He trails wet, hot kisses down my abdomen and down the quivering muscles of my legs until finally settling at the juncture of my thighs.

He breathes me in deeply, his chest filling with my scent.

"I've missed you," he murmurs against me. "I want to taste every inch of you, Katniss."

His large, calloused hands span my hips and hold me in place as if he knows I'll collapse onto the bed when his mouth covers me. And I want to. Oh god, I want to. The way his firm tongue swirls and dips send my body into spasms almost immediately.

"Peeta, I can't," I groan as he slides a finger, then two, then three inside me. Slowly, ever so slowly, he pumps into me, as his mouth suckles my nub and I just can't hold on any longer. I tug at his hair, eliciting a guttural moan from him as I shiver and shake all around him.

He slowly pulls his fingers from me and lavishes me with one more long, languid stroke of his tongue before easing himself back up my body.

The glint in the depth of his blue irises is one I've never seen before. A hunger so deep and wicked it sends chills coursing through me.

"Lay back." He directs me back to the bed and onto the pillows before kicking out of his jeans, sending them flying into a heap in the corner.

The air seems to crackle and pop around us with the intensity of the moment as he settles himself between my thighs. I feel his rock hard cock brush against me and the need coils deep inside me. I pull him to me, desperate to be filled.

"Slow, we have all the time in the world." The succulent words drip from his lips as his fingers delicately skim over the curves of my breasts, his tongue flicking over the taut peak. But he just doesn't understand the desperation I'm feeling right now. He doesn't understand how this slow pace he's chosen has nearly driven me over the edge. The powerful need to have him inside me, to quell the ache he stirred back in the bar that has been slowly building to the point where I am sure…no, I'm positive… I'm going to combust if he is not inside me right now.

"Peeta, please. I can't wait. I need you. Please," I beg, pulling him to me with every bit of strength I have.

He acquiesces, and positions himself at my entrance. His eyes bore into mine for a moment.

"I won't let you go again, Katniss. You're mine. Always." Naked, raw emotion plays across his face.

"Always," I answer.

He slides home and I whimper as my body rejoices at finally having him where he belongs.

Through soft pants and delicate sighs we move together. I can't explain the sensation I feel as the space between us blurs and melds together. I can feel nothing, know nothing, other than his body moving within mine and I melt into him, through him. Everything tightens and coalesces into the space where we are joined. The pressure pulling us under with each ebb and flow of his movements.

Another orgasm overtakes my body, violently exploding into a kaleidoscope of color behind my eyelids. He moans heavily as my body grips him over and over again sending him to his own shuddering release.

His sweaty body collapses onto me and I wrap my arms around his heaving shoulders as he struggles to regain his breath.

"Promise me you won't leave again," he says, his voice choked with vulnerability.

"I promise."

How could I leave? Not after this. All of it. Everything that has made us. Everything that has brought us to this point.

When I'm with him everything is right.

I am home.

* * *

_Hope you enjoyed this one. Please review._

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	19. Chapter 19

"So, you're really leaving me?" Madge says, flopping dramatically onto my bed as I stuff what little clothes I have left in my room into one of Peeta's duffle bags.

"Madge, I'm just going upstairs. I haven't spent any time in this room in months. It only makes sense for me to move up there and make room for another roommate."

"Everything is changing so fast, though," she pouts, pushing her bottom lip out and frowning. "Annie's moving in, Gale's moved out, you're going upstairs…Are you sure you're ready for this?"

"We are still working it all out, but, yeah, I think I am."

"I never thought I'd see the day where you actually let yourself love someone enough to move in with them." I feel like there is an insult in there somewhere, but I choose to believe Madge wouldn't mean it that way.

"I'd hardly call it 'moving in' - we've lived together for three years now, Madge."

"This is different. This is a whole different level of commitment and you know it. And you've seemed a little off lately. Are you sure about this?"

I hadn't really thought of it as a commitment - per se. It just seemed practical - a way to save some money by adding another roommate, especially since Gale decided to move out last month.

Ever since the night I saw the mural, things have been different between me and Peeta. Simpler. It felt like we turned a corner. We were so new when everything started to fall apart. I think we were too ill-prepared to deal with our issues with Glimmer and Gale, at least within the confines of a relationship. Neither of us were equipped to handle those kinds of problems so early in our relationship. It put too much stress on us, and we kind of forgot each other in the process.

Maybe falling apart like we did made it easier to come back together stronger.

Madge and I carry boxes up the stairs to Peeta's - um, my - room and set them in the corner. I drop the duffle on the bed and begin pulling clothes out and refolding them into the dresser Peeta and Finn hauled up here yesterday.

"You've always been our biggest shipper, Madge. Why all the questions now? I thought you'd be happy for us."

"Oh, you are definitely my OTP. It just seems a little fast and after everything that happened last semester…I don't know, I just don't want to see either of you so broken again. I mean, you guys got a dog and everything," she says when the 3-year-old Golden Retriever Peeta adopted and left under the Christmas tree for me nudges her hand. Madge kneels down and runs her fingers through the long, white-blonde fur of Maggie's body. "And you didn't say why you've been so off lately."

She's not wrong. I have been 'off' lately. This isn't an easy time of year for me, and when Peeta asked me to move the rest of my stuff, I jumped at the idea. It seemed like a perfect way to keep busy while trying to get through the anniversary of my father's death.

So many times this week I have found myself curled up with Maggie on the bed, struggling to keep the tears at bay. Struggling to keep the darkness from covering me completely.

Teetering on the edge of depression is an odd feeling. Mind fuzzy. Body heavy. Any moment you could tumble over into the void. And I don't want to feel like this. I want to be happy and move on, but I'm not entirely sure how to do it.

You would think that after 11 years my father's death wouldn't still affect me so much, and I'm actually a little shocked to find myself fighting so hard to stay afloat. In fact, I think this year it's worse. Everything has changed. I don't have anything to keep my mind busy. I don't have Gale whisking me off to this show or that party, always keeping me occupied, never letting me think too long about what this time of year means. I don't have Prim to worry about or take care of, or worry how I'm going to pay the bills or put food on the table. I'm on my own. For the first time since my father's death I only have myself to worry about and the weight of that is forcing me to actually think and remember about things I had always preferred stay buried under work and booze.

"It's not fast. We've been together for six months and you know this time of year is hard for me, Madge. I just need to keep busy. Get through the next couple of days. I'll be fine."

"Well," she says straightening and smoothing out her skirt. "If you need me, I'm just downstairs."

I follow her down the stairs, but we part at my door so she can go to class. She hugs me tight before she leaves me standing in the doorway of my now empty room.

Change is good. I'm moving on. Leaving the past behind.

There is just one thing left to move.

I stare at the very last box left in the back of my closet. I know what is inside the unmarked box. I haven't looked inside it in years, but I know. I take my father's old hunting jacket off the hook on the door and shrug it on. It seems silly to hope it will provide some sort of shield from what awaits me in the box, but I feel like I need some sort of armor. Because I can't help but look.

Inside is all I have left of my father. Two bows lay inside - both carved by his hand, one smaller than the other to fit my eight-year-old hands, and then the one he always used. A box of hand-carved arrows, a pair of his leather gloves. A leather hunting hat. A wilderness survival guide he made himself. Seeing all of it after so many years shatters something inside of me.

I keep dwelling on how much he has missed this year. How much he will miss this coming year.

He should be here for Prim's wedding. He should be the one walking her down the aisle, not Gale. And he would be so proud of what she's become. She's so full of light and goodness. Just like he was. I may look like my father, but Prim has his spirit.

And I wonder what he would say about me. Would he be proud of me? I'll be graduating in a few months. I'm looking at grad school. We're reaching these huge milestones and he's missing all of them.

I keep telling myself he wouldn't want me to wallow in grief. But I just can't make myself move. Thoughts of everything he's missing swirl in my head, making it impossible to do anything but slide down the wall and sob.

Maggie nudges me with her snout and lays her paw on my thigh as if asking why I'm crying. She whimpers with me and I sink my face into her fur and hug her close.

Peeta finds us curled up in the corner of my closet clutching the bow, hat on my head, gloves on my hands with a sheaf of arrows slung over my shoulders. I must look ridiculous, dressed like this and curled around our dog, because he laughs when he first sees us. I know exactly when he realizes I'm not just fooling around or playing dress-up.

He's by my side in a heartbeat, arms circling me, pulling me into the safety of his body.

"Hey, hey, what's all this? Why are you crying?"

I sputter and trip over my words, nothing coherent leaving my shaking lips.

I snivel a few times, willing the tears to stop. My embarrassment is palpable. I wipe at my eyes with the back of my hand.

"How was practice?" He chuckles at my obvious attempt at avoidance.

"It went great. Now would you quit avoiding and tell me what is wrong and how I can make it better?"

When I don't immediately answer, he pulls one of the handmade arrows from the sheaf and examines it, waiting for me to say something. When I don't, he sighs and turns my chin to face him, his eyes boring into mine.

"This is the new us, remember? We talk about stuff now. We don't run."

"I'm not running. I'm right here." I hiccup. It's not that I don't want to talk to him. I do. It's just hard to find the words.

" True, but we don't hide, either. You've been a million miles away for the last few days, Katniss. You've been moody and sullen, and then I come home to find you a trembling mess, dressed in what I assume are your fathers things, crying in your closet." He sighs, and reaches his hand up to rub the back of his neck in frustration. "Is it me? Are you having second thoughts about us? Do you not want to move all your stuff?"

My eyes snap to his. There is a sadness in his eyes that mirrors my own. Only I'm the cause of his sadness. It never occurred to me how my silence might hurt him. Of course he would think this was somehow his fault. That is what Peeta does. He internalizes everything; he turns everything in on himself, sure that he is the source of everyone's discomfort. He's not wrong, though. I have been moody and sullen. But moving all my stuff upstairs was more of a way to distract myself from what I have been feeling, not the reason. I already feel like I've moved in with him.

Moving my stuff is just symbolic, not a necessity.

"No, Peeta, it's not you." I pull my hand from where it is curled around the bow and slip my fingers through his.

"Then what is it?"

"I'm having a hard time dealing with…gah, this sounds so silly," I pause trying to find the words for my grief, suddenly feeling like a drama queen. "I haven't seen any of his things in so long, and it all came rushing back to me. I know it was a long time ago, but for some reason, finding all this now hit me really hard. Everything is so different, now."

His eyebrows knit together and he lets out a long breath.

"That's not silly, Katniss. What is it you told me when my mom died? 'You can only feel what you feel?' But what is different about this year from all the ones before? I don't think I've ever seen you break down like this."

"_Everything_ is different this year, Peeta. I feel completely alone in this." His reaction to my words is visceral and I immediately regret my words. "I just need to figure out how to get through this. I don't have…I have nothing to distract me this year, my family doesn't need me…it's just me…"

"It's not just you, though. Don't you see?"

"No, I guess it's not. But you didn't know him and I…I don't know how to do this."

"Do what?"

"I don't know how to feel." He looks at me curiously, not understanding. I don't blame him, I barely understand myself. I search desperately for a way to make myself clear. "I guess I've spent so many years burying everything that I don't know how to just let go of this overwhelming grief."

"What have you done before? How have you dealt with it in the past?"

"That's just the thing. I don't think I have. I always had Prim to think of first. And then I always had Gale and we always kept each other busy. There wasn't ever time for grief, I guess."

"Do you want me to get him?" He mumbles from between his teeth. The look on his face tells me he'd rather chew his own arm off. I nuzzle myself into the crook of his neck and breathe him in. He's smoothly shaved and smells like my favorite aftershave - a scent I'm beginning to associate with home.

"No. I need to figure this out alone."

"You're not alone. I'm here. We do things together now."

I want to laugh as he presses a tender kiss to my temple, not because it's necessarily funny, but because of what we've been through the last few months. It seems like we both have a way of shutting the other out and one of us seems to always have to remind the other that we're supposed to figure things out together. It's not intentional for either of us. I guess it's just how we deal. But he's right, if we're going to have any chance, we need to do it together.

He lifts me off him and pulls me to my feet.

"Come on. Let's get the rest of this stuff upstairs." He pulls my arms out so he can get a good look at me and shakes his head, a smirk on his face. "You're going to have to let me paint you in that outfit…it's pretty badass…and then you're going to have to show me how to use that thing, although I have to say it looks more like a piece of artwork than a weapon. The detail is incredible," he says, taking the bow from me and reverently running a gentle hand over the carvings on the limbs and riser as we walk up the stairs to our room.

"Yeah, he had a real talent for woodworking." I set the last box at the foot of the bed and slip the too-big jacket from my shoulders and hang it in our closet. "Our closet" - it sounds so weird.

When I come out, Peeta is taking down his favorite painting from its place above the bed, the one of the rising sun over the ocean, and replacing it with my bow. I feel tears sting my eyes, my heart swelling with emotion.

His face falls when he turns to me, mistaking my trembling lip. He has no idea what he does to me.

"Is this ok? I thought this would be ok?" His voice stumbles with uncertainty. "You can take it down anytime. I just thought you should have something you love in here, too."

"No," I whisper, my voice watery with emotion. "It's perfect."

The bow's not the only thing in here I love and I tell him as much, fitting myself into his arms and whispering in his ear.

"Where do you feel closest to your dad?" he asks suddenly, not moving from our embrace. I turn my head to the side, resting my ear on his chest, letting his heartbeat sooth the ache in my heart.

"Outside," I say without hesitation. "The woods I guess. Nowhere specific, but the woods by our house is where he always took me hiking and hunting. Just being outside, though, makes him feel closer. Especially at night when the stars are shining. He was a star-gazer. Taught me everything about the night sky."

"Well, let's go then. Let's get some gear and spend the night outside under the stars." My heart soars at the idea and I feel like I might burst.

"Really?"

"Sure, why not? Finn and I have cold weather camping gear. And - bonus - I'll get to keep you warm," he says with a suggestive wag of his eyebrows. "We'll just stay the night. Maybe feeling closer to him will make you feel better. Help you get through this…and you said I didn't know him…maybe you could tell me about him." He shrugs his shoulders. "What do you say?"

I can't help but melt into him. My eyes close and I squeeze him to me and nod my head, excitement zinging through my body.

Sometimes loving him is so easy.

* * *

It's almost 9pm by the time we get everything set up. We didn't go far. We didn't have to - there is a campground a couple of miles west of the campus near the lake. It's deserted tonight and it's perfect. Just far enough from town that the skies are alight with celestial beauty. The stars are blazing, the crescent moon allowing the stars to blanket the night sky like an ocean of diamonds.

Peeta starts a small fire while I pour us each a steaming cup of hot chocolate. I hold the large wool blanket I have draped over my shoulders out so he can join me in its warmth.

"It is pretty cold out here tonight," he says watching the heat from his breath cloud in front of him.

"You said you'd keep me warm, though." I bump his shoulder with mine when he settles himself beside me.

"You better believe I'll be keeping you warm," he says hotly in my ear, sending a blast of heat right to my core. "But first you have things to tell me. We're here to feel closer to your father. I can't be fucking you senseless when we're supposed to be where you feel closest to him. That would be weird. We'll do that later…_after_ we say hi."

"Oh my god, you are such a dork…an adorable dork, but a dork all the same."

"You love me."

"Maybe, but I'm questioning my judgment."

"Oh, come on. What's not to love?" With his eyes dancing in the firelight and the slight breeze ruffling his hair I can't think of a single thing I don't love about him.

"Are you looking to have your ego stroked?"

"I could use some stroking."

"Gah, see…there's that dorkiness again. How is it you're so popular with the ladies?"

"I'm told I have certain skills, and I'm incredibly charming."

"And incredibly modest, too." The laugh that rolls through me is full and strong. I double up and roll down onto my back, taking the blanket and Peeta with me so we're looking up at the starlit sky. Peeta rolls to his side so he is propped on his elbow looking down at me. His eyes are soft and his smile easy.

"See, I do have skills," he says gently, tracing the lines of my mouth. "I made you smile." He fits his mouth to mine for the most tender of kisses. My entire body sighs.

He breaks the kiss entirely too soon and settles himself on the ground next to me, pulling the blanket over us. I lay my head in the cradle of his arm.

"So tell me, what are all these stars?" he asks softly.

And I tell him. Each word that tumbles out leaves me feeling lighter.

I tell him how my dad would spend Sunday mornings singing in the kitchen while he fixed breakfast, and how the smell of bacon still makes me long to hear his voice. I tell him about the nights just like this where my dad would take me outside and point out all the stars, naming them all and regaling me with the stories behind them. I tell him about our nights with the Hawthorne's and what Orion means to me and Gale, as I trace the hunter with my finger. I tell him about the tattoo Gale has.

I tell him everything that matters and some thing's that don't. I want him to understand. I want him to know everything.

"We never did this, you know," I say, referring to Gale. "We never talked about our fathers. I mean, I guess we never thought it was necessary, since we experienced it all together, but we never really talked about them. You say we have a strange way of speaking without words, but that's not really what it is at all, Peeta. I've known him forever and anything big or small that has happened to me…anything catastrophic…has happened with him. So, I guess we already know how each other feels about everything because we experienced it together. There's a kind of peace in knowing that - a safety of sorts. It was hard to let that sense of security go. I know I keep saying it, and I hope you believe it now, but I'm sorry if I ever made you feel less than him. Because you're not."

He laces his fingers with mine and brings them to his mouth and places delicate kisses over each knuckle.

"And this," I say, motioning to us and the sky. "This helps so much. It's nice to talk about him with you. He would have loved you, I'm sure of it."

"Yeah?" he says, his voice cracking slightly from not using it for so long. I nod my head. "He sounds like an amazing man."

"He was. It was devastating to lose him. I feel like I got robbed of so much. I probably would have turned out so different had he lived."

"How so?" He's so close to me now, no longer stargazing, but focused completely on my face. Somehow, he has closed what little space was between us in order to keep the cold night air from seeping under the blanket.

I've never felt more comfortable in my life.

"You know how I am. I don't let people in. After he died, something inside me went with him. The only person I ever let in was Gale and I didn't really let him in…he was already there. I clung to him, and I suppose that was my mistake. I mean I learned at a young age that all love does is leave and Gale just reinforced that notion. Love scares me, Peeta. Leaving myself open for that kind of hurt scares me. Had he lived…I probably wouldn't feel like that."

"Do I still scare you?" he questions, lifting his fingers to feather over the angles of my face.

"Yes." It's a whisper. Barely audible. If he wasn't so close he never would have heard.

"I won't hurt you, Katniss. I'm not going anywhere."

He untangles his finger from mine and lays his hand on my stomach. He inches my shirt up just enough so he can wrap his hand around my waist, but he doesn't move it from there. It's comforting, not sexual. A few months ago he probably would have eased my discomfort with sex, but he's made significant strides since we got back together not to go there so quickly. Now, his hand just feels like an anchor locking me to him.

"Peeta, you can't know that." I have to force myself to look him in the eye. I feel completely exposed revealing so much about myself, but the feel of his hand soothes the desire to run away. "We've only been together a few months and we've already royally screwed everything up."

"But we're getting through it. Isn't that part of what love is, working through the hard times and coming out the other side better? Look. I can't promise I won't fuck up, but I will never intentionally hurt you. I'm in this for the long haul. All in."

The sincerity in his eyes stops my heart, but my insecurities refuse to relinquish the hold they have on me.

"But what happens when you decide I'm not enough for you? What if I lost you the way I lost my dad?" My voice hitches and I feel tears threaten, because this is my fear. This has always been my biggest fear. I still feel myself holding back. No matter how much I love him…and I do, I love him so much it hurts…I still find myself keeping something for myself, so if he does leave, I'll have something left of my already fractured heart.

I divert my eyes from his for fear of what I will find there. Instead, I stare over his shoulder to where the slivered moon hangs low in the sky.

"Not going to happen."

I roll my eyes at him incredulously.

"You don't know that. How do you know what the future holds? What if you die tomorrow in a car wreck or what if I do? What if you find someone else who makes you happier than you are with me?"

"I don't want to live my life on 'what if's', Katniss. What kind of life is that? Is that the kind of life your father would want you to live? Questioning everything? Living a half-life for fear of the possibility that something may or may not happen? Of everything you've told me about him, that seems like the last thing he would want for you."

"No, he would want me to embrace love and live life to its fullest. He would want me to love you completely, because that's how he lived his life."

"Then trust me. Trust I won't hurt you. You keep telling me that I have to trust you not to run when I do something wrong, to trust you enough to see the bad parts of me as well as the good…and that's hard for me too, but I'm trying. I know you're not like my mother. You're the opposite of her, but still I, like you, learned at a young age something that left me damaged. Something that almost ruined us…but I'm learning…and _trusting…_that you are not going to do what she did."

His hand tightens on my waist, holding me to him, urging me to look at him, believe in him.

"You're more than I ever imagined you'd be…more than I ever thought I'd have and everyday I love you more than the last. I will spend every day of the rest of my life proving that to you, Katniss. Because it's all I have to give."

"The rest of your life?" His words both exhilarate and terrify me, but I see the truth in his eyes.

"If you'll allow it."

I know in my heart it could be no other way. I can keep holding back, keeping a small piece of my heart for myself, or I can let go of the past and all my fears and we can move forward together.

"I'll allow it."

His eyes bore into mine as if memorizing every detail of my face in this moment and I feel foolish for all my misgivings about this boy. As the sweetest smile I have ever seen creeps onto his face, I know without a doubt he is it for me, too. He's all I ever wanted when I didn't know I wanted anything at all.

Right here, under the twinkling infinity of the sky it becomes clear to me my future lies with him.

Because I am his and he is mine.

**~Fin~**

* * *

_AN:_

_Well, that is all. I cannot find the words to say how happy I am that you all took this journey with me. It has been an incredible ride for me. I've learned so much about myself and what I'm capable of. I know we all say things about our work being a labor of love, but that is exactly what this has been for me. There were times I hated it. Times I loved it. Times I wanted to throw my laptop out the window.  
_

_Thank you for your kind and not-so-kind words. They all kept me motivated to see this to the end.  
_

_If you haven't done so already, check out my new work 'Hope & Sacrifice' - I'm very excited about it.  
_

_Lastly, thank you katnissinme for your stellar beta work. I couldn't have done this without you! Muah!  
_


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